He's p*ssed on the bedroom floor

[Girlmath]

NC for obvious reasons.
I don't know why I'm even sharing this. I think I need to vent because I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in person.
It's DS's birthday tomorrow (well, today now). DP went to the pub last night, absolutely no problem with that but I asked him not to be too late home because we still have all the wrapping to do, balloons etc.
Children finally fell asleep quite late because they were excited. I got ready for bed and then waited for DP to return. I waited and waited and it got to 10.30 and I was feeling very pissed off and tired so I thought I'm going to have to do this myself or I don't know what time I'll get to bed. Pretty much done by the time he gets back absolutely stinking of alcohol. I'm annoyed so I put the pressies up and he helps me blow up a couple of balloons. I go to bed.
Hour or so later he wakes me up drunkenly getting out of bed in the dark. Then I hear a funny noise, I turn my lamp on and he then opens the door and goes out to the toilet. It takes me a minute to process what the noise was and I realise it was him having a wee behind the bedroom door. It's everywhere. Stinky beer wee. He staggers back in and starts putting his clothes on top of it to try and blot it up. I just get him in to bed and start the clear up. It's all over the cream carpet, splattered up things and all over one of my slippers - it's drenched. He goes to sleep and I clear up as best I can for tonight, I don't want to wake the children.
I'm raging. Hours later I'm just laying here fuming and it's just dawned on me he drove home.
It's just like he has zero respect for me. I started a new job this week, I'm pretty drained. We have family coming over for dinner for DSs birthday. I asked him to do the food shop and the cooking for this birthday tea as I've done them for both children and him for the past 7 years. He scoffed at me and said 'its a Mum job' then reluctantly agreed. Bus has he done a food shop? Nope! That will be for me to do tomorrow - which I didn't want to do as it will be time away from my DS.
He just doesn't take on any of the mental load of anything. As I was wrapping the presents I thought to myself he has no idea what we've got (aside from the main present which he bought) . He hadn't had to think about them, buy them, hide them or even wrap them.
Has he done this on purpose because he knows I won't want to ruin the day tomorrow and 'be in a mood' as he says.
I'm so upset.

Disgusting on every level. From how poorly he respects you, to pissing on the floor, to the drink driving.

Get a food delivery, have a great day, do the best for your child.

Only you know what you should do after that.

Every so often one of these threads comes up and a few people will claim that kind of binge drinking is normal. Its not normal. Its not normal to get so drunk you lose control of your bodily functions. If my partner did this I would tell them to stop drinking or it's over. And if they made a mum job comment it would be over anyway.

my mother used to do this.
this is not to disagree that its 99.9999% men you hear about doing it. It’s to say that the day my dad finally left her was the best day of my life.

Happy birthday to your son OP. I have no doubt he’ll have a gorgeous time without even being aware of a problem. Its what you do.
Imagine how wonderful next year will be when you don’t have to carry any built up burning resentment over your dead weight of a husband, sadness at his total lack of respect for your family (and other people), or piss on your floor. 🖤

YANBU - yikes you and DS deserve so much better than this arrested development man child.

love the previous poster’s suggestion re: asking his mum if he’s always had an incontinence issues. That is gold.

what I recommend is STRIKE - withdraw your labour for him/house - but so it doesn’t effect son and you. and see what happens. Based on whether he steps up or gets angry feeling entitled to your labour would dictate whether I would leave him or not.

but how could you trust him driving DS about?

for today I wouldn’t go to the shop- I’d go out for lunch or order something in that DS likes eg Dominos. You can Deliveroo groceries to include a cake if it’s missing. You pay a premium but it’s stupidity tax to be paid by your DP. I’d tell everyone (except DS) that you’ve had to experience by wth it today as partner got drunk instead/pissed the carpet. I’d be open coz it’s not your shame to bare. It’s his.

then I’d never wash his clothes again, meal plan for him, buy him snacks, organise , iron. Nothing. Trouble is you can’t fully withdraw your labour as you’d need to food shop and tidy house for son so dp benefits there. Good luck today- it’s not you, it’s him. You deserve better. A family unit is such a blessing and he’s wasting it.

OP I have a feeling that this isn't out of the blue. Maybe the pissing on the carpet is but the taking you for granted, being unreliable, leaving you to pick up the pieces and try to cover up his failures to make sure everything is nice for the kids isn't out of the blue, is it?
I have experience of this and it doesn't get better. The resentment and anger just grow and grow. It's not tenable.
Add in an alcohol problem and drink driving and it's even less tenable.
You deserve better.

I agree. This behaviour is bound to be a pattern, not a one off. If my DH told be something was a mum job, I'd be getting him a psychiatrist.

Yes! Absolutely! Shame him! Tell her everything including the driving a car when rat arsed.

He has absolute zero respect for you. He is spelling out what a selfish creature he is. What guy would not want to help out for his son's birthday????

I am so sorry that so many mumsnetters are married/living with these creatures. You can all do so much better.

It's just like he has zero respect for me.

You’re downplaying it OP. Maybe without realising it. But it’s not “like” he has zero respect for you, he has zero respect for you.

Grit your teeth, get through today. I’m sure you’ll make it a great day for your son.

Tomorrow, you can plan your next steps. They cannot include staying. You know the detail of what he is like now, if you stay you are complicit in your DS growing up in this environment.

If you know he drove home, why haven't you called the police? Why would you let him get away with doing something like that? How would you feel if he'd killed someone? A family? A baby? A child whose birthday it is today? Fucks sake, like.

OP leave him. He’s a disrespectful nasty prick! You can do better and deserve better. Come siding he considers some jobs a mums job ask him is his mum coming over to clean up his piss considering her little boy made the mess!

I’m fuming for you!

Not today obvs, but ask him if he has a drink problem..
(He does) if he's not willing to accept this and take some action, start planning to leave, safely, or chuck him out. Things will not get better.

That aside, have a lovely day with DS.

I hope your son has a lovely day. And I hope you give that disgusting pig hell.

This. Get legal advice, get Christmas out of the way and be done with this failed human.
Fucks sake. He should be in a zoo.

drink driving also an immediate relationship ender for me. Disgusting selfish twat of a human.

that’s before I read anything else. I’m so sorry.

im fed up of hearing what women put up with from men. It’s all financial inequality that traps so many of us in this dynamic because we worry about how we’d support our kids alone.

Oh my! So much to unpack here. The wee is annoying and I've had it happen on my clothes. I was younger and more tolerant but he cleaned it up well and was apologetic. I think that the wee is the least of your worries.

He had a responsibility last night. We can all get carried away but the fact he will now be hungover and useless on his poor kids birthday and he didn't help because you're there to pick up the slack. Awful.

Could he have been driven home? Honestly, this is leave territory! He has shown he doesn't care about you, his son or anyone who happened to be on the road. At least you know it isn't personal...

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I honestly wouldn't have the energy to go mad at him and would mentally check out from him and the relationship. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Even if this is a one off it's an awful level.

I hope you can get through today. Thinking of you

I never say LTB, but please LTB.

Why on earth would you even consider staying with a man who drives when drunk and treats you like absolute rubbish (I’m not even going to mention the pee incident-disgusting excuse for a human).

Sorry to say this OP, but if drunk driver killed one of your children and you found out his wife knew he had previously driven when drunk, what would you think of her for staying with someone like that?

I asked him to do the food shop and the cooking for this birthday tea as I've done them for both children and him for the past 7 years. He scoffed at me and said 'its a Mum job' then reluctantly agreed. Bus has he done a food shop? Nope!

It's just like he has zero respect for me.

Well, yeah. But unless he's been recently radicalised by the Rude Boys or Proud Boys or whatever they are, he never did have and never could have had any respect for you.

I was the child who saw his father piss by the fireplace because he was so drunk he couldn’t understand anything. I also had the pleasure to assist to the fight that ensued afterwards between my parents. Whatever else my father did, that was the lowest point in our relationship, even more than him drunk driving (I was 8, so not understanding the full issue there). There’s something terribly upsetting in seeing such a vile and uncontrollable event happening in front of your eyes. And. There was no carpet to soak up the piss and stink forever. I know how it feels OP, but please leave this ‘man’ before your children have to go through what I have. Also, it’s not a coincidence that this happened the night before your child’s party.

You are a better person than me, I’d have gone absolutely ballistic there and then.

This sort of behaviour quite simply is not acceptable and is worth reconsidering your relationship with him over. He sounds like a horrible, selfish man who adds nothing to the lives of you or the children.

I hope your son has a lovely birthday today and you’ve managed to get some sleep.

That is appalling behaviour from a grown up man with a wife and child. I have heard of teenage sons thinking the toilet was their wardrobe but he should have left that behaviour behind him.

I would have left it to him to clean up, it's disgusting, however if you're having a party later I suppose you felt you had to do it.

I'm so sorry.

After the party let him know how you feel in no uncertain terms and don't put up with it again.

I agree with this but also I blame the systemic patriarchal social conditions that lead parents to bring boys up to expect women to look after them, whilst society (especially other men) support this way of thinking.

To those telling OP to call the police and get his licence taken away, having a husband who can't drive his car for a year will not help OP nor her child.

To those judging OP for 'putting up with this', shame on you. All women suffer from patriarchy to a greater or lesser extent and I think we need to support each other not judge.

OP, I feel for you and I've been where you are. I suspect you've been unhappy for a while and that you asked him to do the birthday shop as a sort of 'test'. Well you have your answer. Whatever you choose to do, please put yourself and your children first. Don't sacrifice your health and wellbeing to hold together a family when the other half of your partnership clearly wouldn't do the same.

He puts himself first. Time you did the same. x

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
There are helplines specifically to support people dealing with unacceptable behaviour from partners/family/friends with alcohol problems. It may be helpful for you to take some advice from them with regard to what to do next (options include: LTB).

It may be easier to LTB if you have signposted him to some support for his problems (eg disgusting behaviour caused by alcohol abuse, and the fact that this has ruined his relationship with his partner and kids). If he has the option of professional support (even if he is not ready to take it), it may be less of a psychological burden on you, and make it easier to prioritise you and your children, when you decide whether or not to leave him. It may also be helpful to explain exactly what the problem is to his parents/friends so that they understand the full extent of the disgustingness, and why you cannot allow him to literally piss all over things belonging to you and your children. You cannot let them grow up in a house with him behaviour like that.

It is a horrible situation, and you must feel so absolutely drained with anger and disappointment, at the same time as the need and desire to have a lovely birthday for your child.

Best of luck for today, and please do reach out to professionals who will have plenty of experience and resources in dealing with this kind of situation and supporting partners and children. You are not alone, no matter how uniquely horrible this situation seems.