Not dating 25 year olds liivng at home?

[itstheocto]

I am nearly 25, would I be unreasonable to refuse to date men still living at home around my age?I have lived by myself since I was 18, surely most men by their mid 20's live elsewhere?

I think this particular 26 year old can do better than op tbh, what does op bring to the table? Bet she wants to live in the house that was saved for whilst living at home, that she didn’t buy, no doubt.

Your prerogative. You can choose not to date someone for whatever reason you choose

I felt the same at that age, but now housing is so much more expensive I'd probably be a bit more lenient about it based on that.

But it really depends, are they living at home because they don't want to move out because they like that their mum does their washing or because they are saving up a house deposit for example. Very different things!

This, and tbh men do not need to settle down as early as women biological clock etc, so when they do leave home, if they have saved for a home, they might take time before committing. They would be wise to go for someone with similar finances to themselves. If op thinks she is in the same position as them, no she really isn’t…

There's more than one way to set yourself up for the future

I left home and rented in order to take up a place on a prestigious graduate scheme. As a result, I earn a lot more than I would have done by staying in my hometown even though I did pay rent in my 20s

You can date or not date people for whatever reason you want but if you actually think that someone living with their parents at 25 says anything meaningful about their character, their ambition or whether they will be a good partner to you, then you're not very bright yourself. And maybe people will pass you over for your kneejerk assumptions.

Wouldn't rule out but be careful - find out why they live at home still, and more importantly, what their plan is.

I dated one guy for too long who still lived with his family, I didn't see it as an issue but it turned out - in his case - to be an indicator that he was far from growing up. He even saved up to buy a property in that time, but still kept living at his parents afterwards (choosing instead to rent it out). The biggest issue for me was he wasn't ready to have an adult relationship with me - I paid rent for my flat where he got to come and play adult, at no cost to himself, and meanwhile got himself on the property ladder. In this case the living at home was just a symptom of many other issues, of which there were other symptoms that I just didn't see at the time.

I do know other folk who stayed at home til mid 20s or so and then move in together without issue though. If it were me again I wouldn't rule out, but would look for other signs of them being a man-child.

But is the fact someone is living in a flat share a quality?! My DH was living at home because he was being financially prudent, not wasting money on rent and saving money for a deposit to buy a place. I was living in a cheap flat share 200 miles away from home to further my career and ensure financial independence in the future. We were both being financially prudent in our own ways to fit our particular circumstances. That was the quality that I was looking for and it paid off…the OP’s statement was far too sweeping and she is a fool if she dismisses a relationship with someone just because they live with their parents.

This will no doubt be a controversial view, but I really do think that young adults miss out on something by living at home in their 20s. That's the time for being independent and living in shitty house shares and moaning about bills and finding out who you are independent from your parents and without them knowing when you came home last night. I realise that this has never been more expensive for young adults, and it may be financially prudent to live at home, but I do think it's a different sort of young adulthood.

Date who you want, but, given the housing crisis, I think you overly restrict your dating pool if you rule out people still living at home.

I think this is true

But also I think everyone looks for something different in a partner and it's not necessarily the case that all the OP values is financial prudence

Maybe at 25, she just wants a casual relationship and the vibe of having to meet the parents isn't what she is looking for

Maybe she values her own space more highly than financial prudence and wants someone who feels the same way

Myself I wanted in my 20s someone who wasn't silly about money but I wouldn't have prioritised financial prudence over absolutely everything else in a partner

I agree with that. It's yet another of the damaging consequences of the housing crisis and why it's so important it's dealt with.

But we live in the world as it is and not as we want it to be. Right now that involves a much larger number of adults still living with their parents.

As someone who has also been living independently since 18. I wouldn't date someone who still lives with their parents. There's alot of growing up that happens when you move out and you don't want to be their new mummy. They need to know how to run a house by themselves. Learn that when something needs doing it's them that has to do it

What about someone’s who has gone away to uni and then comes to back to live with their parents for a couple of years after? Because that is pretty standard.

But she doesn’t have to meet the parents does she? I didn’t meet my DH’s parents for ages. He actually met mine much earlier even though they lived 200 miles away.

Living in a flat share does not equal home space. If my DC live at home in their 20’s they will still have their own bathrooms and a separate living room. I certainly didn’t have that luxury in a flat share.

And where did I say that financial prudence was the only quality that I was looking for?!

Well my DH has managed just fine despite always living with his parents before he met me. He is a fantastic cook, does most of the ironing and all of the DIY.

I completely agree and it comes from experience.

I lived on my own from 22. No financial support, just working hard with a good job. My ex lived at home when I met him and my god it showed. It meant he moved into my home without contribution to furniture or a deposit etc. he had no idea how it worked and essentially sailed into a lovely property that I worked hard for. He did contribute to his share, granted. But he never had to do it on his own. He didn't know how to work a washing machine, or read a gas meter. Yes we all have to start somewhere but these things should be taught by the parents, not left to the girlfriend. These are grown arse men. We split up last year and I'm now 30. I'm about to buy my first house on my own with DD. He's back in a box room at his parents. He's shocked at how much he has to pay to get a place of his own with initial costs etc.

If someone's living at home but paying their way, earning their keep by doing their own washing cooking and chores, paying their share of bills etc and saving frugally for a mortgage or rental down payment then maybe so. But if they're just living at home u til they find a suitable partner to bunny hop off into a property, no. Absolutely not. Any man that's living with parents in their late 20s to early 30s is just icky. Perhaps my vision is warped due to previous experiences but it just screams enmeshment.

By the way, I've never had any financial help, I came from a working class background and was the first child in the family to attend university.

You either choose to be a bum or choose not to be.

Why doesn't the 32 year old not have enough to move out on his own? Not saved enough for even a rental? At 32?

I can't imagine why anyone cares, especially in this climate, with few rental properties available and high rents. Staying at home could in theory be a sign of smart decision making , and that they don't come from families with too much domestic strife, both good pointers for a future relationship (unless they are overly reliant on mummy!).

Although not knowing how to cook or use the domestic appliances is a step too far!

Did you never stay with him when you were dating?

I think it's unusual and pretty difficult not to meet the parents if your boyfriend lives with them. I guess unless they take advantage of you having your own place

I wasn't trying to say that you did value financial prudence above everything but just that different people have different values and preferences. The OP might prefer someone who values living independently even if that costs more - that is just a difference of opinion.

It's not necessarily that she doesn't understand that some 25 year olds are valuing saving money more highly than living independently but that she might not find that attractive - which I think is fine.

Its your choice, when I was a similar age to you I felt the same, now I have DC of similar age/ slightly younger who do live at home I feel it's a bit harsh!
It's harder to move out now. I think what's important is do they have a plan-are they working towards moving out? Are they doing their own washing, helping round the house with chores etc or do they have everything done for them.
How did you move out at 18? Was it as a student?
You could find someone who rents/flat shares but has no chance of buying as they are paying extortionate rents, whereas someone at home could be saving a significant deposit to buy so longer term might be more financially secure.
It's tough but you just have to go with who you find attractive but I wouldnt necessarily dismiss someone automatically because they live at home at 24/25 you will be ruling out a lot of potential partners

Loads of threads recently relating to the idea that adults who still live at home are somehow failing at life. The reasons are increasingly so complex, I'm not sure why the bashing of it is even a thing. And yet, here we are.

OP, you do you innit? Good for you leaving home at 18 (FWIW so did I) but not everyone in this day and age is able to do so.

You can date or not date who you like.

However, you might be missing out on someone who invested a lot of time on education and is just starting out on a career.

You might be as ambitious as each other and share a lot of common goals and interests.

I think there are more intelligent criteria quite frankly.

No, never. And my DH never took advantage of me having “my own space”. In fact he asked me to move in with him to the flat he bought 10 months after we got together because he knew that I was unhappy in the flat share as the other girls weren’t cleaning up and I was the one doing all the hard work. And we’ve been a partnership ever since. I think some (a lot of) people make bad choices about relationships. I could see that my DH respected me and was going to do his equal share from the way he behaved in my flat share. He would tidy up, cook, go food shopping with me etc.