Aibu to only want DD to participate in one showing of the school nativity??

[HulaHoopz]

DD is in Year one. School nativity is on twice in the day, once in the day and once after school. Separated from DDs dad not sure he'll even attend as he usually doesn't bother to attend school events.

DD has another performance the following week for her drama club and has to attend all rehearsals up to the show. If she participates in evening show of school nativity then she'll miss the last rehearsal before the show.

Its not unreasonable for me to say to school she can't do the later showing? I feel unreasonable and I don't know why.. its probably because if her dad did come it would always be the evening performance as he'd never take time off. We have very little communication and school won't communication anything extra outside what they already do.

I also do prioritise her after school activities as she enjoys them so much.

DD wants to attend her rehearsal and is happy only participating in one showing.

Its ok isn't it? I'm not depriving her am I??

She doesn't want him there. He's abusive and she hates him.. I've invited him to many things and he either doesn't turn up or she's cried that he's there.
He is perfectly capable of contacting the school himself to check dates. He is on the email circulation and receives everything I do. I will not be making a rod for my own back and checking anything.

DD has told me she doesn't want to do both and wants to go to her drama rehearsal.

As long as you told the school well in advance that your daughter will not be doing the evening performance so they can give her the 'right' role under the circumstances, then it shouldn't be an issue for anyone.

It’s fine. No one will mind, it’s a school play.
My children’s school has an evening showing, which we are encouraged to miss if we feel it necessary.

I disagree.

It's up to the father to make sure the school has his contact information so they can send him emails and messages to keep him updated of what's going on. It's NOT the mothers responsibility to keep her ex updated about school events.

And people wonder why schools never do anything in the evenings and so many working parents end up being excluded. Hardly surprising is it given that parents who are around during the day are happy as long as they get to see their kids in the nativity. Who cares about those pesky working parents eh?

And I speak as someone who was a SAHM while mine were growing up.

And yes, you should be telling your ex about school events. Yes in an ideal world he would find out this stuff, but when your daughter grows up and asks why you never Told him about any of her performances “I’m not his secretary” won’t fly.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and while I completely agree you're not his secretary, I think it would be good to find out if he is planning on going before you make a decision (if you can, I understand it's not always easy).

Or you could at the very least text him and say she won't be at the evening show so he has a head up and doesn't go to find she's not there. I know it's not ideal, especially if he's difficult.

I do think generally a drama show she's committed to voluntarilys last rehearsal does trump a date dictated to you, especially if her not being there doesn't affect the other performers which it sounds like it doesn't..

It's fine OP. Honestly. I can't believe some of the replies on here. In an ideal world yes she'd go but it clashes with another commitment. That's life.

It's not the responsibility of the parents who are aound during the day to cater to the needs of working parents or whichever parents are only available after school!

And it's up to the father to make sure the school has his contact information so they can send him emails and messages to keep him updated of what's going on. It's NOT the mothers responsibility to keep her ex updated about school events.

Then that's absolutely fine

And FYI, I'm full time working. I'd taking annual leave to watch her show during the day.

To an extent I agree, but it seems here that the OP is very much encouraging her daughter to turn against her father and to essentially have far too much control in other areas.

OP says she “doesn’t want to see him,” that she “hates him,” Added to which she is giving her daughter the choice as t whether she’d like to be in the nativity or the drama rehearsal.

She’s 6. She has far too much control here, and the OP is influencing her far too heavily against her father.

Why do you think DD's father can't communicate directly with the school the way most parents do?

As she's in the choir/chorus, I'd say it's fine for the reason you have given - and I am a drama teacher responsible for the nativities and many other shows for the older children around this time of year. The stage school will also be saying their final rehearsal is compulsory - and for good reason, to be fair. It will be a bigger scale show than the school nativity and a more important experience for your daughter. Most children will turn up for the school show because most will want to (or their parents will want them to!) It leaves the opt out for really good reasons like yours and for children who really wouldn't cope with 2. An evening performance is a lot for Y1 anyway. We only do daytime ones for infant year groups and only evening ones for the juniors and seniors. Partly so we can fit everything in but also because the little ones would just be too tired.

It’s an event outside school hours and she’s already got something on that evening. I’d just tell the teacher you’re sorry but you can’t make it.

This is simply not true in the slightest and not going to derail the thread with this.

DD loves her activities so of course I'm going to give her a choice.

We have no idea what has happened in the past. OP says he’s abusive- I don’t see why they should be doubted.

If she has no speaking part and doing the after school performance means she misses her theatre show, I don’t see why she shouldn’t just do the school time one. I’m sure school would understand. That’s the only conversation that is needed - with the relevant school staff.

Oh, it's fine. It's just a primary school nativity, it's not the bloody Oscar winning stage show posters are trying to make it out to be, lol.

To you perhaps it's 'just' a primary school nativity. To some of the children taking part it might be something they're really proud of. Do you say to the child who is thrilled to be First Shepherd 'it's not the bloody Oscars, lol'?

If she’s only singing I can’t see the issue , if the school want to get uppity about it pull her from both . Frankly if the school want to do 2 performances they should be am and pm in school time .

DD had this predictment one year and the school was absolutely fine as she was also just a singer. A 7pm nativity performance is also quite late for Infant children, they weren't out until 8.30pm one year.

Her drama school had a full costume run through on the evening, with all children participating, so it was very important that everyone came and interacted together.

In the OP's shoes I would send a small message to the dad, saying that DD will only participate in the day show and let him make the decision if he wants to take time off.

That's what I try to do too. But if I can't make it then that's fine. Children are intelligent enough to understand its not always possible for parents to be at the plays etc.

But I'm not so entitled to think other parents should be putting themselves out and doing what is or isnt convenient for me.

She is being asked to take part in a school activity out of school hours, so yes you can say whether she goes or not depending on other commitments.
Annoys me when children are in a school play (no choice) and then expected to be available after school hours.

Performance trumps rehearsal, school trumps hobby.

But in this case if she's just in the choir I'd speak to her teacher and take it from there. If the teacher would rather she attended then I'd support that as per my first paragraph.

DD might also enjoy being at school in the dark etc with her friends so don't rule out how much she'd enjoy it.

Apparently the second night of our school's nativity last year was absolute carnage as loads of kids didn't come.

Of course I wouldn't tell a child that, but adults should have the common sense to put things like this into perspective.

Ultimately, if the school wants all children to attend, then the performance needs to be in school hours, not in the evenings when many of them will be unable to attend (for a whole variety of reasons).

I can't get worked up about a six year old "chorus" singer missing this - can you? Really?

Her ex is perfectly capable of signing up for and reading weekly newsletters and emails from the school about such events.