To call myself 'Mrs' even though I'm unmarried?

[DottyBaguette]

In the past I've used Miss/Ms. My preference is Ms, I think Miss sounds very young.

I've never been married. Two teenagers. Live with them in my own house, everything paid for by me as I've always worked and never had a man to depend on, I can't imagine ever risking my financial independence.

I've noticed that post 40, I'm almost always assumed to be 'Mrs'. School teachers, tradespeople, even the bank, refer to me as 'Mrs'. I used to correct it but now I can't be bothered. Why should men not be defined by their relationship status but women are?

So aibu just to let the assumptions continue and even start ticking 'Mrs' on forms, so I don't have to correct people who obviously think most women over 40 are 'Mrs'?

I tried to correct the bank, who seemed to think I'd need to post all sorts to get 'Mrs' changed to 'Ms'. So I left it, that was several years ago, so obviously the bank thinks I'm happily married...

Part of the problem is that there isn't a clear cultural assumption in English. Some people will assume the default for an adult woman is Ms. (which is logical), but others (as you've seen) will default to Mrs. There's apparently a really complicated history in English, and it also differs among English-speaking countries. But there's some historical evidence that all of these types of non-official honorifics (Mistress, Miss, Mrs., Ms - but also Mister, Mr. and Master) had more to do with class, social standing, professional status, and/or status as head of household/property owner than they did with marital status.

Pre-19th century, important women and men who lacked an aristocratic title used Mrs. and Mr. respectively. Miss would be used for girls and young women from important families who were still living in the parents' home, to distinguish the members of the household. A similar process happened with Master for boys, but men with money would eventually start their own household anyway, married or not, while for women leaving home usually coincided with marriage and the convention was to change to the husband's last name. At the same time, servants in the house would simply be called by their first name, even by the children, regardless of age or marital status (unless they were servants of standing, like a head housekeeper).

Probably we should drop all of these conventions and just use first names - but in the meantime, Ms. is probably the closest modern equivalent to the traditional (pre-19th century) use of Mistress or Mrs. as a sign of adulthood/independent status for women.

I am 66 and when I was younger I used MS on principle as I didn't wish people to assume a marital status, but it's an awkward word.
I am married but kept my name, I am Mrs. Myname.
My preference would be that all women over a certain age, say 18 or 21, would be Mrs. Similar to the French Madame.

I agree OP use Mrs if you want.

I am married. I am also frustrated by the default assumption of a 'Mrs' title I have never used, and yes, I do correct it every time. It's ridiculous in 2024 for women's identity markers to be defined by our sexual status in a way that men's are not.

I don't understand the point of titles anyway. Unless they are professional ones - Dr; Professor - they are obsolete. A name is sufficient to identify a person, surely.

I can't see why you would use Mrs if you're not married. Most married women I know use Ms. Our marital status is nobody's business.

Me too. Well said.

I'd use 'Mrs' were this the default adult female title as it often is on the continent.

Until or unless that becomes the case I'll continue to reject it. My actual preference would be to use no title at all.

I’m mid 30’s long term partner but not married.. I tick miss on forms but if people assume I’m mrs (which they do) I can never be bothered to correct them any more

I've interchanges between Miss, Ms and Mrs all my life, and never really cared. I kept my maiden name and get mistakenly called 'Mrs DH's Name' and he gets mistakenly called 'Mr My Name' – as long as it's correct on official documents, we don't bother to correct. Even our children get confused as to what their last name is and my surname is their middle name! Granted, everyone may feel differently about what they called, even casually.

I honestly wouldn’t care one way or the other 🤣 I’ve been Mrs for years, but my hospital consultant always address my letters as Ms, and the bank account I’ve had since the 80s still has me as Miss, even though I changed it with them donkeys years ago. It’s not my main account so I’ve just left it now, too much hassle to change it again and it doesn’t impact my life in anyway

I am a Dr on all correspondence ... usually addressed correctly and then the letter starts Dear Sir ... because of course a PhD / medical qualification or however I earned my title makes me a man

Just use what you want, it's ridiculous women are labelled by their relationship but men aren't.

Same. The connotations with marriage mean Mrs isn't a viable universal adult female option. The nearest thing we have to one is Ms, so I use that, but that also isn't universal.

That said, the more women doing what OP does, the more the norms and assumptions are eroded. So yeah OP go for it!

Because, unless I am mistaken, it is 'his' name a woman has taken. It doesn't 'swap' from him to her so it's no longer his.. So in the case of an acrimonious divorce, I don't understand why a woman would want to keep it as a constant reminder. The practice of taking the man's surname is the ingrained patriarchy.

Some interesting history here about it. https://www.brides.com/why-do-women-take-husband-last-name-5116974

But fair point re the case of identity.

I see your point but it's just not a battle I can be bothered to fight.
I always found that correcting people just comes across as me being awkward, it doesn't change anything.
I will now answer to anything though at my age the assumption is Mrs. DH will happily answer to MrWoffley and I answer to MrsHisname.

My female surgeon likes to be called Miss. She is married.

My female ballet teacher asks to be called Miss. She is married and in her sixties.

Mrs, I always thought was "Mistress of" as in power or authority over the household, the business, the husband, herself etc.

Both Miss and Mrs derive from Mistress so I guess the teacher and the surgeon are using Miss to mean - Mistress of their field of specialist expertise.

I wouldn’t correct most people as I just think it’s unnecessary, unless they are someone I see regularly.

I definitely wouldn’t tick boxes and pretend I was a Mrs though.
That goes against every feminist bone in my body.

You should be proud of being married, if you are happily married.

And you should be proud of being unmarried.

You should not pretend to be married/be called Mrs when you aren’t one as that comes across like there is shame involved.

Yes I prefer the way the Quakers have it - no titles at all

Which I think is what we are moving towards, but it'll take a while yet.

And I knew someone would misinterpret my post. Please note that I said they’d be viewed that way by some. Not all and certainly I never indicated that was my view. By ‘some’, I mean the sizeable cohort of those who think marriage is the ultimate achievement for a woman, that it’s what we all desire, even if we don’t admit it to ourselves, those who say they are “proud to be Mrs” etc. There are very many women (and men) today who do view single women as objects of pity. And those single women suddenly calling themselves Mrs, a title heretofore associated with married women, would only reinforce that view in those people.

I don’t personally think it would be tragic. In fact, I’m very happily single, have never married and intend to never marry. It’s not something I wish for at all. But as I said to another poster who responded similarly to my post, there are lots of people who view single women (never single men, of course) as sad, pathetic, pitiable figures, who assume those women wanted to me married but it never happened for them. Some people view marriage as the ultimate goal and measure of success for women. They are the ones that are likely to view single women calling themselves Mrs as tragic figures.

I do think we should have a universal title for women that doesn’t indicate their marital status. But I don’t think it should be Mrs as that is too closely associated with marriage.

Because my marital status is no one’s business but mine and my husband.

That's you. To me, it matters. Low-level misogyny encountered on a daily basis matters.

I'm not willing to acquiesce happily to being addressed by names and titles that are not my own. Once upon a time I didn't insist on 'Dr' as my default title. These days, since attitudes to this issue seem to have gone backward even since my marriage in 2008, I do.

Awkwardness doesn't trouble me in the least. Misogyny does.

I’m married but kept my own name so use Ms even though the world and their dog want to call me Mrs….stick with the Ms! Eventually people will stop pigeonholing women by their marital status.

44, never married and use Ms. I have no idea why we live in a society in 2024 where a woman's title is conferred on her based on her marital status. I do often get Mrs now and tend to correct people multiple times if I have to.

I have a partner now and if we get married at some point he's aware I won't change my name. I've had it 44 years and changing it seems like a real pain in the arse, which women are just expected to have to deal with.

Of course it's not fraudulent. Your title isn't part of your legal name. I could record my title as lady of if I wanted.