I can't go dutch

[Whatinthedoopla]

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

Google agrees with you, me and other posters. It's generally used to mean each person pays for their own food and drinks, not splitting the bill evenly.

I'd skip the event. If they're not people you're close to and you can't raise this with them easily, then there's a danger that you'll put in the time, money and energy to go, but what will be remembered is the "fuss" (as some might see it) about the bill at the end.

Just don’t go.

I thought going dutch meant no undies......sorry. Sucks when you are broke. Been there many a time.

I've only heard the phrase used in the context of a date, when the bill is split rather than one party (traditionally the male) paying the whole lot.

Yes, me too, so today at age nearly 50 I’ve learned that this is not actually the definition!

Don’t go then 🤷‍♀️

Just message and say, I'm sorry my financial situation has changed and I will not be able to come after all, I'm so sorry.

In my little world 'going Dutch' is what you've had not an even split, and that's how it's seen in all of my friends circles....... even AI agrees with me 🤣🤣

PS I get that you are saying that you can pay the £80 but draw the line at splitting everyone’s drinks evenly too. However £80 plus probably a fiver for a posh soft drink is a fuck of a lot of money when money is tight, and what with the stress of worrying what people will think, much better just to bow out altogether.

If you can't afford it, you'll just have to find an excuse. There's nothing else for it.

Of course there is. Just be honest.
I'd message distant cousin and say
"Sorry, I hadn't realised it was going to be such and expensive place. I am going to have to send my apologies. Hope you all have a lovely time and I'll see you at Christmas"

No reason at all to start making up excuses.

However, I wouldn't go and spend that much on a meal, if funds are tight.

@Whatinthedoopla actually, £80 for a meal is awfully dear! that could nearly get your weekly messages! Is it in a top class hotel or something?? I would decline the invite! I just wouldnt pay that even though I can afford it!

Why would you dump someone because they don't fund a meal for you? Bizarre

Either don’t go, or take cash and just say no I’m only paying for what I had.

Did we read the same link? I completely read it to mean you pay for what you personally consume, which is how I always understood it (I'm 57 years old.)

I’d say I was poorly and not go. I’m not very social however and hate things like this 😂

Same! Can’t believe it doesn’t mean splitting it even like I always thought

Why are you all still talking about the definition of going Dutch and completely ignoring the point of the thread in the first place? Nobody is interested in these petty squabbles so take it elsewhere.

Regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary says, OP is expected to pay £80 plus drinks. This is out of her budget. OP, in your shoes, I would use something like the wording above. Something like,

’Hi Cousin, I’ve just realized that the cost of your birthday dinner is £80 plus drinks. This is beyond my budget so I’m going to have to bow out. Have a wonderful time and let’s catch up soon.’

Edited as on reflection yes, I think, “ going Dutch” does just mean you pick your items off the bill and pay those… I was lead by Op’s description but I don’t think she does have to cover a portion of their drinks etc.

But if you are too stretchedop, you are too stretched. I’d be inclined not to mention cost and just find a diplomatic excuse to bow out. Otherwise you’ll get offers to contribute etc which might be awkward.

whatever the meaning of "going dutch", OP clearly means that if they go, they can only pay for their own soft drink.
How is everyone else going to feel eating a sumptuous meal with someone at the table not eating & nursing a coke for the entire evening? Doesn't sound like a bundle of laughs for the OP either.
Decline.
Wish your cousin Happy Birthday and meet up another time.

Covid. Best excuse for everything.
( and going Dutch means splitting the bill evenly between everyone - don't care about your silly online dictionaries or AI😁)

I have always taken "going dutch" as paying for your own meal.

OP you haven't said whether you actually want to go and you need to clarify whether £80 is the cost or if you can get away with spending less eg if you just have a main and a soft drink.

Or is it fine dining where you need to order 3 courses because a main on its own is a tiny amount of food with no sides?

But if you're not bothered about going just say you can't make it any more as you didn't realise it was a posh place and that's outside your budget at the moment.

@user942557 when a man pays for something, like your example or you know, anything while his wife is on maternity leave, it's always "fund." Why? Do people think it sounds more formal and important? Because "fund a meal" just sounds stupid honestly, unless it's a charity banquet for a thousand.