I can't go dutch

[Whatinthedoopla]

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

Yabu for vanishing and not clarifying what you are talking about. If you mean you just want to pay for yourselves and not the split the bill that's absolutely fine just say that as you get their if you mean you don't want to pay for yourself then yabvu and shouldn't go

I've always understood "going Dutch" to mean you're not being treated, could mean the bill is split evenly OR you pay for yourself. I've had both experiences!

Send a text and let them decide.

Hi.

Just had a look at the menu and realised that the meal is pricier than I had expected. Things are a bit tight at the moment and with Christmas around the corner, I am having to be really careful with money. I don't want to be embarrassing or rude, so I now have a choice of coming along but only paying for what I order, or sitting this one out.

I'd love to come and say Hi, but don't want it to be awkward. Would you be okay with that?

Guys she gets it… way to pile on about something that you clearly understood what she meant.

@Whatinthedoopla if you’re still around after all the nonsense. If you won’t be eating and only going for the company, you can breezily explain that you got your nights mixed up and only realized after a late big lunch that you were to be going out… so you’re only staying for a bit and having a drink (I’d really try to at least order a drink). Then you can put cas down for that.

Super easy.

@Whatinthedoopla

In the circumstances, I would suggest sending the distant cousin a message expressing your apologies and letting him/her know that you can't attend after all.

Shortly before the birthday, send him/her a nice birthday card.

It sounds to me as though there would be better uses for the £80, to be honest; if things are really difficult, you could find it useful to have it in the bank for food etc over Christmas and the New Year.

Make your excuses and miss this event with your dignity intact.

I think it is extremely presumptuous to expect people to spend this type of money for a birthday gathering, especially at this time of year. The total cost including drinks & travel etc could amount to £120 or more. I would make my excuses, politely refuse & suggest another gathering in the near future that would suit all pockets.

Did you know when your you say the word poo your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

Same goes for explosive diarrhoea...

I always understood it to mean that each person pays for his or her own meal.

I would tell them that you like to see them but can’t afford the meal so maybe meet up for coffee or tea.

The online dictionary cited above is an example of 'nonsense in, nonsense out'.

The Oxford English Dictionary is the definitive record of the English language and its definition is, 'each person paying for his or her own food, drink, etc.'
https://www.oed.com/dictionary/dutchadj

"Something came up,sorry, won't be able to make it". If they enquire what, just use one of a million excuses, it's not so hard.

I’m with you - where I’m from, going Dutch means to pay for yourself.

Same.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_Dutch

Don't go. There's lots of colds going around and you don't want to pass yours on...

When I googled "going dutch meaning" all links on my first page explain it as paying for yourself, while the Google dictionary box have the sharing costs equally definition. Bizzare.

I'm pretty sure the mainstream meaning is everyone paying for themselves, as stereotypes about Dutch people say they are careful about money.

Eighty pounds for a meal?? Without drinks? That's insane.

If you can't afford it, you'll just have to find an excuse. There's nothing else for it.

P.S. I understand Going Dutch to be used in the context of dating, where it's decided that each person pays for themselves instead of one person paying for the whole date.

'Going Dutch' means paying for what you've ordered

Which is exactly what the OP needs to do

You are correct. I just went and googled to double check. It means each person in the group paying their your own expenses.

so op saying she can’t go Dutch to me means she needs someone to cover her bill.

She does want to pay her share, just not others alcohol bill 🤷‍♀️

I know! I guess it must be a set menu, if it's 80 pounds. That's outrageous.

I once got a hen weekend invitation along with a demand for a few hundred pounds, when I was on a low salary in London and living alone, which was quite expensive. I made an excuse. There was no way I could afford it. I wish they'd also done something more affordable, like gone out for a meal at Pizza Express.

Going Dutch means paying ONLY for yourselves

If you can only afford to pay for what you order just be upfront about that from the start. There’s no need for you to miss out on the evening. Just look at the menu online before you go and work out what you’ll be eating /how much, and let the organiser know that is what you need to do. As others have said maybe chuck in a bit for tip etc. but if you can’t afford all of that you should maybe bow out….

I agree. That's what I did with the hen weekend invitation.

Dear [host]

It was lovely to be invited but I’m afraid that £80 plus drinks is beyond my means at the moment so I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I hope that Birthday Person has a lovely evening. All the best.