I can't go dutch

[Whatinthedoopla]

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

It does. “Shall we go Dutch?” Means shall we just split the bill.

Paying for ourselves means paying for yourself. Going Dutch mean splitting is evenly. That’s literally the definition. It does not mean to just pay for what you ordered; it means splitting the bill evenly.

It doesn't @Dartmoorcheffy en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_Dutch

Going Dutch is a saying that comes from a stereotype lost in the myths of time that the Dutch are mean eoth money and literally means 'paying your own way'. So only paying for what you order. I am nearly 50 and have when younger agreed to go to something I cannot afford or do not actually want to go to. It is really hard to go out on a budget with people who do not get this and order endless cocktails, all three courses whilst you are on the cheapest main and water. Whilst I could probably do this now as more financially secure, I do not really want to. What I have noticed OP, my younger colleagues and also those my own age are really secure in saying no becaue of the cost. Absolutely no judgement made from anyone.

Why would you pay £80 to go to a distant cousin’s birthday meal? In fact why would you go at all….🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Did you post about this the other day OP?

Can you take cash, work out your share as you go plus a tip, then when the meal has finished, announce a reason why you need to leave early and leave your money to cover your share.

I’ve always understood going Dutch as splitting the bill. Even the link posting indicates it’s splitting the bill, it doesn’t say each person paying exactly what they owe, it says paying their own way against one person paying for the whole event.

Also some people seem to think you mean not paying your bill at all, or just having one drink and no food. I’m assuming you mean paying for your meal and one drink only not splitting the alcohol bill.

I can't believe people are still arguing that Going Dutch means splitting the bill. I'm over 60 and it's never been anything else than paying for yourself.
It's explained on literally everything you can possibly google.

That's a lot to spend on a meal with anyone, much less a distant cousin. I'd be backing out.

@3catsandcounting
This.
It means paying your own share. Nothing else.
Always has.

We "went Dutch" at our last department meal. That meant we all paid individually for what we ate and drank.
The waiter just passed the card reader round the table.

I'd make my excuses....., or just be honest.
Can you get your money back for the meal?

Going Dutch means paying your own way. Back when it might have been assumed that the man would pay for a meal on a date, going Dutch meant that the woman would pay her own.

Heteronormative expectations and all that.

I put YABU because I thought that you meant you'd be declining to pay at all - 'going Dutch' can plausibly mean either splitting the bill or just paying for what you had, because it's usually used in the context of dating to contrast with one person paying for everything. So I think whatever you do, don't try to use the phrase 'going Dutch' when explaining your actions to your family because some will get confused! On the actual issue - if it's too awkward I just wouldn't go, but it should be totally fine to say you're not drinking so you'll order and pay separately. If they object to that they're not reasonable people.

Is it not possible for you to order one small plate within your budget and one drink? You're not compelled to order £40 worth of food and drink you don't consume. If they've suggested a set meal at that price just say I'd love to come but I won't be ordering the £40 meal. Surely in a restaurant they'll be happy for the trade and some order less than others? You just pay for your own stuff. Nobody else need be out of pocket.

No, it means to cover your own expenses rather than being treated by someone. (I have just checked half a dozen dictionary definitions.)

You're right.

I guess it depends which dictionary.

How do you know it will cost £80 already when you haven't been yet/ordered the food?

This sounds like it's a set menu then. I'd say you'd love to join, however it's a bit too expensive for you. It's completely reasonable to not be able to spend £80 on a meal. I don't think I ever have spent it for one person before.

There's two outcomes from saying this: 1) you don't go, which is fair enough it's very pricey. 2) If multiple people express that it's out of their budget, they might reconsider the restaurant (dining at the Ritz apparently lol)

By this I don't mean rally a group up and stage an intervention, but it just might be likely other people feel that way so good to be honest with the birthday host.

The invitee should foot the bill

I always believed it to mean split the bill evenly, so I didn't understand your comment. But googling it gave both "split the bill evenly" and "each person covers their own expenses". So essentially, it means no one person is paying for everybody!

Hmm. None of the ones I saw said that!

I think the main point is you pay rather than someone else pays for you, but I don't think it's going to be clear precisely what the OP means if she uses that expression.

Do you really want to go?

If so, then just make it clear to the waiter at the beginning that you will be paying separately

But I would have to really really like someone to want to spend £80+ on their birthday dinner and would probably make an excuse not to go

Either make an excuse and don't go or just say you're a bit broke and are just going to pay for own meal and drinks.

If you can only afford one soft drink then just go to the bar. Order and pay for your own drink. Sit at the table and when the bill comes simply say I didn’t eat or drink anything so I won’t be contributing