To not understand why people want involved in laws

[anonymoussse]

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.

There’s nothing really wrong with my in-laws. When we meet, we’re polite and cordial, but we’re very different people—honestly, we probably wouldn’t choose to be friends if it weren’t for the family connection. They’ve made a few silly comments here and there, but nothing wildly inappropriate. They’ve been respectful of our time and space, they make an effort with the grandkids, and overall, they’re decent people—definitely better than a lot of the in-law stories I hear on MN or in real life.

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

What I don’t understand is why so many parents feel upset when their in-laws aren’t involved or don’t visit much. I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son.

Some people like their families and want them to be around, and be around for their children.

I also think just lacking a support network is very hard, and so it can be frustrating when that possible support network just isn’t interested.

I don’t really understand it, but my in-laws are horrible, so I can’t imagine what it feels like to want to spend time with in-laws.
I think for most ‘normal’ families it must be about maintaining relationships for the sake of their partner and/or DC who ARE blood related to the in-laws. They may not be your family, but they are the rest of your family units family.

My in-laws aren't strangers. I'd known them for nearly 8 years before we had DC. They are kind, loving, easygoing people.

This is not everyone's experience, I understand that people have very different relationships with their in-laws. It can't really be that outlandish a notion to you that many people are genuinely closer to their extended family than you are?

You understand that your parents are inlaws too don't you? Would you not wish for your parents to have a relationship with your children?

For me mil and fil where the grandparents that gave unconditional love. I loved watching them with our 4. My mum was really uninterested and ai am ever grateful my inlaws wanted to love my children and cared about them. Fil died when they were young. But mil was around until they were late teens. My mother died when they were early teens. My dad is interested but distant.

For me the inlaws had blod w my child and I loved watching their bond. Yes that may have been as I had a close relationship with my grandparents including my step grandparents . I dont see that as a bad thing I see it as a positive one.

Errr because they are equal grandparents
They are your partners parents
Are you for real?

How on earth can my husband’s parents, my children’s grandparents be considered strangers??

How sad.

@anonymoussse so what about your parents? They are essentially strangers to your dh. I think describing them as “essentially strangers “ when it’s their son’s children is so so weird. I say this as someone who has extremely difficult inlaws (as in alcoholic and mental health problems inlaws) so the absolute opposite of support but they are my husband’s parents and my children’s grandparents-they are not strangers.

Your inlaws are not complete strangers to your husband and he might want his children(yes, they aren't just yours) to have a close relationship with his parents. You sound like one of those awful DILs that excludes their husbands family from their lives.

Why don’t you ask your DP why he continues to bother with his in-laws?

They're not "essentially strangers". Hopefully, by the time you marry their child, they are more than strangers.

And you don't just have your partner in common. Your children are their gene pool, too.

Dear Lord! Having to explain the basics of "family" on Mumsnet...

And how would you feel if your DH described your parents as strangers, and said he couldn't understand why you wanted them to be involved, and that he wouldn't be upset if they stopped visiting altogether?

Would that be OK? Or does it only apply to your in-laws, not to his?

My in laws are lovely people, kind, generous, warm people. DS adores them, they worship the ground he walks on (he's the only child of an only child) and even though I know deep down MIL thought some of our boundaries arrived DS when he was little were a bit batshit (DH rode horses bare back from toddler hood and drank tea with sugar from a bottle) she didn't bat an eye didn't criticise and supported our wishes.
When my parents' beloved dog needed to be put to sleep when I was heavily pregnant she drove us all there because she said she knew my parents would be upset. FIL is teaching ds to pay guitar, they're veggie and really into eco life, foster animals etc and that's a lovely message for DS to grow up with.
Why wouldn't I want them in my life?

We’re not all bad.

I adore my DDILs and likewise I adore my MIL. She is one of my favourite people in the world. I shall be absolute heartbroken when she dies. She dotes on my children, I’ve loved watching their relationship with her and FIL. It’s heartwarming when they talk about their memories with them.

DDIL2 had a wonderful relationship with both sets of her grandparents so she wants that for DGS, too. She doesn’t shut us out at all. The more I read threads like this on here, the more blessed I feel to have her in our lives.

I think I might start a new thread called "why are some mumsnetters so lacking in basic comprehension? Is it me or are they getting thicker?"

Jesus fucking Christ.

I guess my inlaws matter to me because they matter to my DH, first of all, and then I've got to know them as people and have a relationship with them separately.
I occasionally suspect that our DIL has a 'basically strangers, why would I bother' view of us, but it's not reciprocated - she matters and we're fond of her although the relationship may not be exactly what we would choose. And she's fond of us too, but she has a lot going on in her life and we're not central.

They are your husbands parents.And your childrens grandparents. He didn't stop being their son when he met you. Does your husband treat your parents like strangers?

To be fair what I think you are asking is why people get upset about disinterested IN-LAWS. I think this happens when children come along and parents see their children being dismissed by members of their own families.

i think there is a recognition that even though they are the parent’s in-laws, they are the children’s actual blood family and it can hurt if they don’t seem to care about the children. It’s a horrible rejection.

I’d be gutted if my in-laws were not totally in love with my kids, because they are their blood family. Luckily they are ao
its all good 🥰

They aren’t strangers - they are family. Do you treat your parents in the same as your in laws?

I always involved my in-laws in our lives because a) I actually liked them and sorely miss my MIL since she passed away 4 years ago and b) because they adored my dc and dc adored them, they were good people so why the heck would I deny my dc the chance to grow up with good grandparents, surely that would have made me a shit parent?

It is really sad you have this attitude especially as you in-laws appear to be good people.

Just remember that you will probably one day be a mother in law. You reap what you sow and all that!

.

Strange perspective. My in-laws are very different to me but I see them as my family. I've known them 22 years, they're my husband's family, my children's grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. They're certainly not strangers! I've grown to love and respect them.
Even if I didn't feel that way I'd still want them in my life because they're important to DH and the kids. I think it's really valuable for the kids to have loving family in their lives. The more people that love them, the better.

I could have pretty much written this

I don't have MIL or FIL as DH lost them.before we met. But he does have sisters and brothers.

They're just mean. On more than one occasion I have heard them openly being vile about me. This year one was absolutely demolishing me when she didn't know I was in the next room. To make matters worse she said not very nice stuff about our DCs, who to be honest none of them have ever really bothered with

I told DH that if it had of been a friend rather than his sister, I would've punched her.

I also at that stage told him that whilst I would never stop him having any type of relationship with his family, that and another incident with two others in my home was the final straw after over 25 years with him. I left it up to my teen DCs, one is fine to be "polite" to them, the other wants nothing to do with them, although thinks their cousins are fine.

It's worth remembering something someone once told me- you marry or live with you partner by choice, not with their family. They come as a sometimes unfortunate package. But why is there an obligation to tolerate them? I'm not the only married in member they are hostile to, so clearly it's a them problem.

I was rolling my sleeves up ready for a discussion about draft bills and the House of Commons v House of Lords and voter apathy. <disappointed>

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

why are you doing that? Presumably their son is a functioning adult capable of doing that?

My MIL I could do without, but my kids adore her and I’d never interfere with that. They also learn more about their dad and how to interact with different people- she’s a flake and they are starting to realize it.

My sisters and brothers in law and my nieces and nephews are great! I’d never have started a friendship with them if we didn’t have a family connection but I love them.

My kids are growing up with lots of people who love them

My in laws have been better parents to me over the last 14 years than my own have been in 38. Mil came with me to choose my wedding dress, fil let us live with him rent free for a year to save for by a house deposit. They are the people who were there for me after both my miscarriages, they are absolutely not strangers to me at all.