To not understand why people want involved in laws

[anonymoussse]

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.

There’s nothing really wrong with my in-laws. When we meet, we’re polite and cordial, but we’re very different people—honestly, we probably wouldn’t choose to be friends if it weren’t for the family connection. They’ve made a few silly comments here and there, but nothing wildly inappropriate. They’ve been respectful of our time and space, they make an effort with the grandkids, and overall, they’re decent people—definitely better than a lot of the in-law stories I hear on MN or in real life.

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

What I don’t understand is why so many parents feel upset when their in-laws aren’t involved or don’t visit much. I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son.

You chose to reproduce with their genes and enter into family with them.

Surely they can't be that awful? After all, you picked them.🤷‍♀️

My husband feels the same way about his parents as I feel about mine, and I lovey husband, so why would I not want them as involved as my parents are?

The issue here is that they visit twice a month and it's become YOUR responsibility.

Quite.

People often do it for their kids, OP. Hardly rocket science.

And their partners. It's easier for us both if we get along with the other persons family

i am a lone parent and my exes parents died before i met him so my kids have no grandparents from his side, i often feel sad for my kids sake that they don't have that experience or extended family on their fathers side, don't see what's weird about that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Similar timescale, we’re complete opposites. I stopped trying a few years in and leave DH to manage DD’s relationship with them now. They live 5 hours away so I get some free time while he takes DD and DDog to visit them twice a year max. They are utterly disinterested in anything that happens more than 20 miles from them so DD feels no loss. I anticipate the visits stopping (for her at least) soon because she doesn’t feel any real love from them. Their loss.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my in laws. They have been an essential part of our support network, especially when DH is away.

Your post has made me a little sad tbh. In-laws are part of your extended family and your partner's parents so they are hardly strangers. Of course, you wouldn't be friends with them, they are of a different generation so I wouldn't expect that. For some families, in-laws are incredibly valued, as without them, some couples with young children would struggle; childcare, financial etc. Also, being part of a big family, in-laws, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. is something that can be rather lovely!

That, too. Yes.

As others have said, I like my in-laws, they adore my children and I love seeing the relationship they have with them. The more people who love them the better. DH, who I'm pretty keen on, also loves them to pieces. So these are all reasons that I like having them in my life. While this isn't my motivation, it is also just a fact that my life is considerably easier than it would be if we didn't have two sets of involved grandparents who are willing to offer some childcare and also to help in an emergency. I'm incredibly grateful to them and know I'm very lucky to have them.

Yes this. They're not strangers, they are your children's grandparents and therefore as equal as your parents. Your outlook on this is strange

This has got to be a wind up surely. They are your DPs parents and your children’s grandparents not strangers. In the same vein your parents are essentially strangers to your DP if you go by your logic so why should your family spend time with them

Either you are creating this post for laughs or you are very unreasonable

I found a great person and with them I made this truly amazing little person. My parents are besotted with this little person, partly because there’s some of me in there but also because of their own personality. Why wouldn’t I want my in-laws to get to know this little person that I made, that is partly their son.

It’s especially hurtful if in-laws don’t want to be involved with your child but they want to be involved in their other grandchildren’s lives. Not my situation but a number of threads wanting involved in-laws are for this reason.

Before kids, I wanted involved in-laws because they were my husband’s parents. I wanted to get on with them as we are both important people in my husband’s life and it’s easier if we can get along.

My in-laws all live at the other side of the world. When we visit they are all so welcoming and loving, they all feel like my own family, every single one. I’m treated no different to my DH and DC. Wouldn’t change that for anything.

My in laws are not strangers. I have known them for 22 years. They are kind, funny people. We got on so well that I eventually asked them to move from the American Midwest to where we lived on the coast and move in with us. Best decision we ever made especially during the pandemic when it was so good to be together as a family. FIL died earlier this year and we miss him terribly.

Could DH take the kids to see them instead so you could get a break?
It sounds like it’s just another job for you hosting them

I do this and it can be a nice way to get a bit of me time.
Me and my PIL are very different (they’re very different from DH too) and it’s very much polite conversation so doesn’t really “fill my cup” and they’ve been very rude previously which clouds my view of them.

Gosh I wouldn't have married DH if I didn't at the very least respect his family. A marriage is fundamentally the joining of two families especially if there are children involved. And I see one of the roles of a partner to support the other in things that are important to them. I've known mil for nearly 40 years way longer than most people in my life. She's supported us and we've supported her through thick and thin. As has DH with my DPs

Well....they're your children's grandparents right? I'm assuming they are also important to your husband....so maybe if you don't just think about yourself you might realise why people value their relationships.

I consider my FIL my family. My husband's Mum passed away when he was 28 which was 5 years before we met. His Dad remarried in recent years, but my husband doesn't consider her his 'step-Mum', as he's a bit old for all that. She has 4 children herself, who are all older than my husband (who is the oldest of 4). My FIL has never been a 'hands on' Grandfather, and I have accepted that's just the way he is. My son sees much more of my parents as we live a 10 minute walk away, and they are much more involved. My FIL and his wife have spent 12 years living in Spain, and moved back to the UK this year, a couple of hours drive from us. However, I couldn't just dismiss my FIL as a 'stranger' and treat him as someone who I am merely connected to, due to my marriage to his son!! He's my husband's Dad, so therefore an important part of our family. I wouldn't like to think my husband saw my parents of such little insignificance that he'd rather didn't see them!!

I think it’s more that people possibly want help? As in childcare help for work or appointments or so they can get put with their partners? I love my in laws, they’re fun. We weren’t close close at the start but as I’ve gotten older I really do see that dh married his mother- we’ve tons in common (hold on, am I praising myself or what am I doing here?! )

If they haven't taken the time to develop a relationship with you and their grandchildren, then I can understand they would feel like strangers. You have no shared history together.

I think we often get sold this idea that they might be like a second set of parents and they will play a part in raising our children. But they are still just humans with their own stuff going on.

I am the only DIL to a what I now see as a very dysfunctional family. I waited years thinking they would start to let down the barriers and let me in more but nope they are very much a island. They aren't capable of loving my children in a healthy fuller way its all from a distant. So we have to just meet them where they are at. I feel sad my children won't know the lovely grandparent sleepovers or days out I knew as a child but they can't miss what they have never had.

My husband isn't close to them either so he puts in place boundaries. They are his family and I leave him to manage them.

You don't understand people who have different relationships than you with their inlaws, or that not all husbands leave the hosting/entertaining to their wives?

Errrr ok 😳

So, I understand that they're DP's parents and I can understand being upset for your DP if the DP is upset about lack of involvement. But what I don't understand is that some people seem to be upset in their own right that the other GPs aren't involved. Perhaps, as some have said, it's the lack of a "village" and help.

And yes, it makes sense that after years of a close relationship the in laws can grow close but... if they're not involved and not close (due to not visiting much), I'm confused why you'd be sad that they don't visit much.

How would you feel if your DC didn't bother to have a relationship with you when they were older because they/their DP weren't interested? Would you be okay about not seeing your DC? And any potential DGC?

I don’t care for my in laws either OP, they are lazy and annoying. I try to see them as little as possible and we see my parents much more as they are easier to get on with.

Even our teen kids ain’t bothered by the in laws. Polite and happy when they see them but they don’t want to spend extra time with them.