To not understand why people want involved in laws

[anonymoussse]

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.

There’s nothing really wrong with my in-laws. When we meet, we’re polite and cordial, but we’re very different people—honestly, we probably wouldn’t choose to be friends if it weren’t for the family connection. They’ve made a few silly comments here and there, but nothing wildly inappropriate. They’ve been respectful of our time and space, they make an effort with the grandkids, and overall, they’re decent people—definitely better than a lot of the in-law stories I hear on MN or in real life.

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

What I don’t understand is why so many parents feel upset when their in-laws aren’t involved or don’t visit much. I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son.

I think people might care because they know the value involved and loving grandparents can bring to a child's life and they may be sad to see their child rejected in that way.

I absolutely adore my mother in law. She is kind and helpful and I don't care a bit that she wanders into my house when passing (I do it to her much more often and she feeds me!).

My kids lives are better for that close relationship with their grandparents. My mum lives 400 miles away and my dad is very ill.

I also took her with me to choose my wedding dress.

I see her more than my husband does.

My FIL says lots of things that could be deemed insulting but he has foot in mouth syndrome rather than malice. He's blunt but has also helped us with all sorts of (usually messy DIY) things over the years. He's the kind of man that shows care in action rather than words so I've never taken any of his comments to heart.

This.

Surely nobody can be this lacking in emotional intelligence.
It has to be someone trying to wind us up.

I get where the OP is coming from.

My partner's parents are perfectly nice people and have been very involved, loving grandparents.

But I don't really have anything in common with them and wouldn't have become friends with them if I hadn't fallen in love with their son.

I have never thought of them as family. They're my partner's family and my dd's family but they have never felt like family to me.

I do the right things. They live close to us so I host Christmas. When dd was young, I made sure they were invited to school nativities etc. Now that dp's dm is quite old and frail, I do more to help take care of her.

But I have never felt anything towards them that is comparable to the love that I have for my own mum and dad.

To avoid drip feeding, I'm autistic. I don't know how much difference that makes.

I'm so glad that my kids married grown ups.

You’re focusing on the wrong relationship. This isn’t about you. It’s about your kids and their wider community and the influence that all the adults in their lives have on them. It’s even more important to maintain decent contact if in-laws are “different “ as it gives your children different kinds of influences.

My own grandma was different to my parents but she was the most influential and inspiring adult in my life. Did my dad like her as a MIL? No, but that didn’t matter to me.

Presumably if you care about your partner, you make some effort to respect and take an interest in the people and things that they care about, too. This should be mutual.

I realise from reading mumsnet that some people have very different ideas about marriage and family from my own. Surely when you enter into serious long term relationship like marriage, you are merging your lives so that your family becomes his, and his becomes yours. How on earth can your in-laws be "essentially strangers"? I mean, my dh was a stranger when I first met him, but he's obviously my family now and my in-laws are as well!

My in laws aren’t strangers, they’re my family! I’ve known my little brother-in-law since he was a kid, my mother-in-law is literally like a second mother to me. I realise I’m lucky (and to be fair we have had some rough times, like any family!) but I never understand wanting to keep in laws at arms length just because they’re in laws.

Life would be a lot easier if DILs and PIL were matched by their ideas of what the ideal DIL-PIL and grandparent- grandchild relationship should look like. I know there are some truly awful people out there and some people who are difficult to deal with but so much of the conflict between DILs and ILs is about mismatched expectations.

It’s very personal, isn’t it?

I adore my in laws and enjoy having them around just as much (maybe even more than) my own parents. They’re some of the very best people I know. I’d be devastated if they dropped out of our lives.

They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son

They’re genetically linked to your children. If they were in any way harmful to your children or even indifferent to them I could understand not wanting them around but if they love your children? That’s two more people to help them feel valued, get a sense of where they come from and build their self esteem.

Good grandparents can be such a positive influence. They’re not parenting so they often have more time and patience with the children. When you’re only visiting for the afternoon and you’re not trying to run through a list of all the things you need to get done before the bedtime routine starts, you can give your full attention to whatever dance, game or song the child wants to show you. That attention builds confidence.

Uh? When you say "we probably wouldn't be friends" are you talking for your husband?

I don’t enjoy visiting with in-laws. MIL and SIL are like two peas in a pod and both are emotionally unstable people. They don’t care much about our DC and prefer to make visits about themselves. Pre-baby, I feel we wasted a lot of years driving long distances to see them, buying many gifts for DC’s cousin (SIL’s kid) and her step kids, and on return we have gotten nothing for these efforts when we had a baby. SIL is probably one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met.

I grit my teeth and smile for the sake of peace. I’m glad we live far away enough to see them a handful of times in the year (that is, we have to bundle DC in the car and drive ages in bad traffic to see them, they won’t bother to come see us).

Shout out my awesome in-laws! I love mine. I wish they would visit more often.

You sound lovely

What a strange attitude @anonymoussse . You will probably be an in-law one day, I wonder how you would feel with that kind of attitude.

Your in-laws are your DH’s parents and your children’s grandparents. You sound horrible to be frank.

I was rolling my sleeves up ready for a discussion about draft bills and the House of Commons v House of Lords and voter apathy. <disappointed>

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat

I was hoping someone would say this! 🤣

They conceived, birthed and raised the man you (assuming) love more than any other and chose to have children with…

Glad you are not my DIL .

Married for 30 years
Have a nice relationship with in-laws but leave all arrangements ,present buying etc to DH

I understand completely.

I suspect it’s mainly those who need more of a support network.

I think because some people want their children to have the experience of knowing all of their family. They want them to have a connection to everyone who has played a role in their existence. I know the benefits my child has from being close to all his family members and how important that is. I don't want my child to be insular.

I want him to experience love from all corners of his family tree.

If your DP said this about your parents how would you feel?

By your logic if he did feel the same as you then your children could grow up without any grandparents in their lives.

How very sad for your children and the GPs that you have said they adore.

Because they are decent people and I don't have this competitive twisted view of them that seems popular