To not understand why people want involved in laws

[anonymoussse]

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.

There’s nothing really wrong with my in-laws. When we meet, we’re polite and cordial, but we’re very different people—honestly, we probably wouldn’t choose to be friends if it weren’t for the family connection. They’ve made a few silly comments here and there, but nothing wildly inappropriate. They’ve been respectful of our time and space, they make an effort with the grandkids, and overall, they’re decent people—definitely better than a lot of the in-law stories I hear on MN or in real life.

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

What I don’t understand is why so many parents feel upset when their in-laws aren’t involved or don’t visit much. I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son.

They are related to my dc. Even after mine and ex relationship broke down, I feel very comfortable going to sil and bil house and / or calling.

Ex not only had a falling out with me but he tried going no contact with them. I personally have taken dc on my days to visit them. So dc develop/ maintain a good relationship with their father side of the family. My other sil has brought peace among the siblings. Ex is taking dc to see his family for now. But I still call for now.

Ex lost both his parents as a teenager, so my relationship with inlaws is with his siblings.

Because I think people are sad for their children, not themselves necessarily.

I had a lovely relationship and loved all four of my grandparents equally. I would be very sad for my children if any of their grandparents just didn’t bother with them.

Also I’ll add that my In-laws are lovely and act as parent figures to me. They aren’t my own parents I get that, but I know I could call on them for help for me, pop in for a cuppa if I was bored at home etc. it’s an added layer of comfort that I really appreciate and yes would be sad if I didn’t have.

people possibly imagine that kind of relationship and then are sad if it doesn’t work out.

I communicate with my in-laws and have a relationship with them because it's my DP parents. You know the woman who birthed him and the parents who brung him up. Mil lovely , I adore her and she adores me , she says I'm her daughter she never had..Fil he doesn't really like me but nor does he really get on with DP either now he's older. However, he's not actually done anything wrong and my DP wants to give him the time of day and it's not my choice so i accept that and also give the time of day for his sake. I want my child to have a good relationship with my mum and my DP mum - they are both his mans regardless and it's her son's child too not just mine!

__

In my case:

We have no support network and at times have greatly needed it.

I want my children to be loved by and have strong relationships with more people than just their parents.

I want my DP's family to show care and interest in him and his family, for his self esteem.

It's been.... A struggle. Not close on either side of the family (literally or emotionally), sadly.

I can’t help feeling that there is background missing here - they used to live far away and until recently only met your DC a couple of times in their lives? You have a traumatic history and have difficulty forming emotional bonds with new people? You are going through a bitter separation and are protecting yourself by emotional distance?

I honestly cannot think of a normal family set up where you loved someone enough to marry them and have children and yet think of the people closest to then as “virtual strangers”, particularly when they visit 1 or 2 of every 4 weeks. Being different people is expected. Both sides make the effort to be understanding, that’s what makes family bonds.

I honestly cannot think of a normal family set up where you loved someone enough to marry them and have children and yet think of the people closest to then as “virtual strangers”, particularly when they visit 1 or 2 of every 4 weeks. Being different people is expected. Both sides make the effort to be understanding, that’s what makes family bonds.

But what if your partner's family are very closed off emotionally, aren't interested in you or your life, and make little effort when they see you? Or worse, leave you or your partner feeling crap due to shitty comments when you visit?

Absolutely.
Some common sense.
👍

I think it’s sad for your DC if you don’t foster the relationship with both sets of grandparents. My DC lost both sets of grandparents when they were really young and I’m really sad that they haven’t experienced that relationship.

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.
Didn't you start by answering your own question?

I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son

That makes no sense whatsoever. They're 'only' your ILs but they're your husbands parents. Would you like him to dismiss your parents as 'only ILs'

Some ILs actually like each other. My SIL and my Mum get on great. I get on well with my SIL.

My parents saw one of their grandchildren at the hospital when she was less than an hour old. They were the first to see her - at my SIL suggestion

My parents (then latterly my Mum) babysat regularly, did childcare & overnighters.

We go away once a year as a family & have a great time. My mum has gone on holiday with my Brother & SIL - at their invitation.

We actually all like each other. Yes my brother was initially the only connection we had but as their family expanded so did our connections. We're family now.

We spend every Christmas together. And another trend we've bucked - my brother & SIL are far closer to our side of the family than hers.

Yes we could have looked on each other as 'just ILs' but I'm glad we didn't. We & my brothers children would have lost out on so much

Also not only did I live with my in laws (and it was my idea- DH was like really???) but after the birth of my kids MIL was more helpful than my mum.
I think what the OP is saying is why are people upset when shitty in laws don’t get or keep in touch? Is that really a loss? Possibly not. But there is always a sense of loss for your partner’s sake.

Yes so this is exactly what I'm saying.

The DP might care if their parents aren't involved, and you obviously (hopefully) care for your DP so would be upset on their behalf.
But what I struggle to understand is when ladies complain that their in laws (who don't visit and therefore they aren't close to) aren't involved enough, when the DP isn't bothered. You don't have a connection to your PIL as it hasn't been built, why do you care

It can feel like a rejection of your children which hurts.

My MIL turned up to see our first child, she'd travelled a few hours, looked at her new granddaughter and said 'well I've seen her now, I might as well go home'. Call me crazy but I was hoping for a bit more than that.

What I'd also say is that the hosting and entertaining of my in laws has never been my responsibility either - my husband did the majority so it never felt like a chore particularly.

You might feel sad for your child/ren that people who are closely related to them and should be important people in their lives have let them down. That they might look at other children’s relationships with their gps and wonder why they don’t have that. You might be sad/ angry on behalf of your partner (who is unlikely to just not care that their parents are uninterested in their child, they’d probably be hurt and upset about it). Maybe if your own parents weren’t around or weren’t good gps either you’d be upset at all of them, you wouldn’t just be like ok I’ll be upset at my parents and <partner> you can be upset at yours because they’re nothing to do with me.
It depends on the circumstances. If your in laws are involved with your kids, it’s easy to say you wouldn’t care if they weren’t, but you don’t actually know that.

Because they wish they had nice, involved in-laws who brought something to their life. It's like if you grow up without one parent - you might not have known them to miss, but you know what other people have and you don't.

Sorry, I didn’t see this post til after I replied.
In that case, it depends on the particulars. Sometimes people just want a rant I suppose. Is this a regular thing that people start threads to complain about in laws even though their dp doesn’t care? I can’t say I’ve ever really noticed it.

You do realise you will be in laws one day? How will you feel when your children’s future partners find you boring or irritating or totally indifferent as to whether you visit or not.

Can’t their dad foster it then?

This is such a weird post. I hope when you're a MIL that your daughter in law doesn't feel like this.
It's family. I would be sad if my in laws didn't want to be involved with my kids. Don't you have memories of grandparents growing up? You sound disconnected from the world

I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close.

but they are your DHs ‘own’ parents??

This cannot be a serious post 🤦‍♀️😵‍💫

I think this is a very sad view, for all the reasons listed by other posters already.

My in laws are annoying and overbearing but they're family. We will support them and I know they would do whatever they can for us. I also know despite their annoying traits they love our DC in a way that only very close family can and that is very important to me.