To not understand why people want involved in laws

[anonymoussse]

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.

There’s nothing really wrong with my in-laws. When we meet, we’re polite and cordial, but we’re very different people—honestly, we probably wouldn’t choose to be friends if it weren’t for the family connection. They’ve made a few silly comments here and there, but nothing wildly inappropriate. They’ve been respectful of our time and space, they make an effort with the grandkids, and overall, they’re decent people—definitely better than a lot of the in-law stories I hear on MN or in real life.

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

What I don’t understand is why so many parents feel upset when their in-laws aren’t involved or don’t visit much. I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son.

Sadly, most of those it would apply to are too entitled and selfish to realise it was aimed at them!

Nope. We got married for the legal protections, predominantly. Nowt in the vows about taking on each other’s family………

DH’s family is enormous. We put in enormous effort to see them regularly for 5+ years before having DD (their first grandchild). When we did they were furious that (after a traumatic birth which included significant injury for me) we wouldn’t take her on the 5 hour trip to them within a week of birth. They eventually relented and visited when she was 2 weeks old, for 2 hours (to prove a point) and spent the entire visit bemoaning the fact that they “didn’t know what to do with girls” and that she’d never “play football for England” (none of their 4 sons play any sport competitively so no idea where that came from).

DH is the black sheep for daring to move away (for uni) and build a life more than a stone’s throw from them. And marrying a woman with a career and better things to do than housework and producing multiple babies? They can’t forgive that.

They've made this bed. Not us.

If you get past the title, the OP is actually asking why people are upset when their in-laws don't take an interest - she's not expecting everyone with nice, involved inlaws to justify why they like them being involved.

It's how I feel - my in-laws are OK, but they're not that interested in small kids, they didn't want to be hands on and in fact they emigrated when my oldest niece was a baby. They don't really interact much with small kids, at least when they are together - MIL is a bit more interested when she is on her own but she never visits on her own. When they came when the kids were small I would spend a lot of time trying to entertain the kids while MIL and FIL chatted politics with DH. Am I sad that we didn't have more of those visits? No I am not.

I hope it isn't but the stuff people come out with doesn't shock me anymore.

What? How ridiculous. Your in laws have as much of a blood connection to your children as your parents do. I’d wager most parents want as many loving supportive people around their children as possible. I imagine your husband would be quite hurt by your comments. Unless of course your in laws are disconnected and uninvolved and did a rubbish job of bringing up your DH.
But surely that’s equally likely to be true of the mother’s parents? Unless you think all the terrible parents out there are only parents of boys?
If it was your DH asking you this question (as well he might) you’d think he was crazy.
Strange question.

Sadly enough I did feel like this when mine was a newborn. We hardly saw my partners mum before having a baby then suddenly as soon as we arrived home she wanted to appear unannounced at my house everyday and pluck my baby out of my arms. I hate to say it but it did feel like a stranger was trying to steal my baby!! Things have changed now, I would definitely not see her as a stranger anymore. But can kind of understand it if you barely every saw them before kids.

What a horrible op. Out of the 4 people in your home 3 of them are directly related to your in laws.
Are you one if these women who think only your parents count?

But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers

What a strange thing to think.

Are your children’s grandparents in-laws strangers to your children? You know, the ones that visit twice a month? Why are you allowing these god awful strangers into your home twice a month?

Op, I think it depends on how you grew up. My grandparents were dead before I was born so all I had was an exceptionally annoying spinster aunt. My parents weren't great either so I grew up avoiding older relatives and seeing them as a negative.

I was surprised by the affection from one boyfriend's parents and relieved that another boyfriend had no older relatives. Much less complicated.

But some people see them as a positive, a helpful support network and so are upset when they don't want to be involved.