To pretend this school mum simply does not exist

[h733]

I found out through a mutual 'friend' that a particular school mum had been talking badly about me behind my back.

Aibu to just ignore her existence?

She has, in the past, turned her whole back on me to exclude me from a conversation.

You have no idea if its true or not.
I am always up for a confrontation but I always make sure I get my facts straight first.

You’re not being a walkover if you ignore the drama. You don’t just have the word of others that she has a problem with you, you have the evidence of her turning her back to deliberately exclude you. She’s rude and childish. Don’t stoop to her level. The game of ‘I’m upset and you’ve got to guess what you did’ is not to be engaged with.

If you act like a 2 year old people will treat you like one

I presume this is the focus of your life by your intense drip feeding

If someone says hello to me I say hello back and then I get on with my day I have a life so I focus on that

There’s a way of saying good morning kind of coldly to people like that.

Fact is, she been standoffish and rude since they started school, I just gave her the benefit of the doubt.

There’s a Mum like this at our school gate. I thought she was just shy until I saw her being perfectly friendly to other people. I just shrug and think whatever reason she has to be rude to me is her issue and life’s too short to care.

Because the detail was a very odd thing to make up. Plus I've heard a couple of other things about this person, plus she's been rude to me before.

So all adds up.

Honestly I just ask. If I'm blanked I just forget about it and carry on. If I get a "Hello" I just ask. "Ah Hello, I've heard I've offended you, I do apologise but I'm confused how..." I hate he said, she said scenarios, I just go in 😅 if they then say they hate you I still feel better because It makes more sense 😂. It's the not knowing for me.

How should I deal with her saying 'morning' or whatever?

Throw hands and fight the bitch. Right there and then. Don't put up with her shit. Sending love and light, keep us updated.

I have quite a suspicious nature when someone tells me something someone else has said about me.
I'd engineer a little 'meeting' between you, the person who told you, and the person who allegedly said it. Then I'd say 'oh just to put the record straight, X tells me that you said Y, here's the truth of it'.
As an old timer on MN used to say 'trust nae fucker'. Especially school gate mums.

I agree with @JiminaSlump . I encountered a couple of bitchy Mums when my children were younger, and I'd always say "hello" and then make no effort to have a conversation with them. I'd talk to other people, but never them.

I think it took them aback to realize that I had no interest in being friends with them - why would I, I prefer to be friends with nice people!

And your reply should be "and which face am I addressing this morning? One face or two face?"

Super cheery, very breezy, seek her out and say HELLO but keep walking on by, don’t wait for a response. (Inwardly you can seethe)

at 50 odd was told to do this with a bully at WI meetings, she found it unsettling and steered clear of me after that.

What exactly did the other mum say about you? It doesn't sound like you like her anyway so not sure why you'd care what she thinks! Just give a brief hello or morning if she speaks to you and then crack on with your day!

I was in a similar situation and had no idea what I had done to offend her, but I decided to just smile even more and not be the rude person. I eventually found out that it irritated her that I was always happy and smiley! It really wound her up that I didn't react back to her and other's got fed up of her being so negative and bitchy and stopped hanging out with her. It was awkward at first but at least I knew I wasn't doing anything that could be seen as rude. That was years ago and this Christmas our mum's group will be meeting up again for a night out.

The school run crowd can end being like a goldfish bowl….if they all bitching I’d take a step back polite but aloof, as someone said but really this:-

Refocus your time and energy on making friends outside of the school run otherwise you can end up being sucked up into the shitty cliques bitching and group politics and it’s draining

Admittedly I am biased as I hated the whole school run thing because of the people and didn’t have a good school gate experience due to one particular person and their manipulation of what was a nice group at first

One of the joyous things about my children moving up to senior school is that I no longer had to endure the tedious nest of cliques at their primary school.

The same thing happened to me OP. I didn't respond like a proper badass. Instead, I unleashed my Paddington Hard Stare. I didn't smile. I didn't respond or initiate chit chat. I cancelled, cleared, deleted her from my headspace and replaced with shopping lists, household job lists or just counting up in prime numbers. No reaction and the bear wasn't poked.

I remember all too well the sheer indignation that this particular group had such a negative impact on the rest of my day, just by virtue of the fact that we happened to have children at roughly the same time. You're not obliged to like these people, nor they you. Your own tribe will find you.

If you don’t respond then you’re sinking to her level and worse, playing into her hands with whatever bullshit narrative she’s got going about you behind your back.

When they go low, you go high.

Not much you can do. I have similar which stems from me not inviting her to my 40th when I invited two others (one being a long standing friend and other a good acquaintance from a larger friendship group outside of kids). This is despite never having a had a cup of tea with the woman or kids or our kids ever having a playdate. She confronted me about twice in a passive aggressive thinly veiled manner, once in person and once on what'sapp!

Since then has gone fully tonto and waged a pretend war against me.

I am suuupppeerrr nice to her in front of people and treat her no differently to other school acquaintances meaning that eventually she will look like the biggest two faced bitch to most reasonable people who she's been chelping on about me to. It's good fun.

Why are you looking for advice, when common sense answers are met with such anger. What are you looking for , somebody to tell you to punch her. Don't waste people's time, and grow up.

You seem to be seeing anger where there isn't any...

Exactly this. It's not two-faced to be cordial to someone you don't like; it's mature.

Exactly this.. Do not get involved in the complete pathetic childish nonsense. Go to school drop of your child safely and leave. Do not engage or entertain any of it she sounds like a complete idiot, not worth another moment thinking about.

I use the same technique as when I used to work as a social worker and sometimes had to deal with people that were less than pleasant. I visualised the hardships they had been through and found the empathy smoothing over my initial gut reaction.

With nasty people outside work I would do the same but let me pitying them shine through. Being patronising in attitude but perfectly cordial. The weird thing is the reaction I sometimes got. The same people who had been rude were all of a sudden trying really hard to be friends🤷‍♀️.

Lol, sounds like you met my ex SIL and her coven, but seriously if they are those kind of people, no matter what you do or say will be gossiped upon, the pot will be stirred and you'll find all sort of gossip about yourself.
I'd go up to them and ask what exciting adventures I'd got up to this week? Or go with something like celebrities would die for this kind of publicity! Lol
Just stay away from the lot of them, case in point with my ex SIL, she also slagged off her 'besties' behind their backs too (and did other stuff that I can't say because it would be identifying) and now is living a lonelier existence having upset half the town with her antics.

You would not be a walk over, you'd be taking the adult approach (or the higher road, if you prefer).
The best response to such stupid, inmature behaviour as badmouthing someone behind her back, is indifference: just act like any normal, civil neighbour. Say good morning back and, otherwise, ignore her absolutely.