How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

But it's still none of her business. Regardless of all that. They're not going to want a letter from a family friend no matter how much thought is in it.

Honestly op if you want to make things ten times worse send a letter. Just support your friend.

I have in the past, come very close to going non contract with my mum.

It's a long painful process to come to the conculsion to go non contract with a parent. I should imagine, he didn't do this lightly and has vaild reasons. Which, need to be respected.

Writing a letter is NOT respectful and it's ignoring his wishes and decision.

If I went non contract with my mum and received a letter from her friend. It CONFIRM my decision to go non contract was RIGHT.

Maybe not, but I think bad behaviours should be called out.

This is Breathtakingly wrong sadly.

Don't assume you know everything that's going on.

There are plenty of things someone could do to make someone want to cut them off despite it seeming to a friend that the relationship is totally rosy.

This is very common.

In the case of the OP though, even if this son is a complete and utter arsehole the letter won't help. He'll ignore it, and initially so will the gf and family. There's a chance when one day the gf gradually realises he's an arsehole that the letter might speed up her breaking up with him, but that still won't do anything to help the OP's friend.

Either way the OP is best not contacting the son.

Op, as everyone has said, support your friend as best you can, but not by trying to broker some kind of reconciliation. Listen to her, sympathise, and please, stay out of it.

I talk from experience. I have gone no contact with my father. He didn't abuse me or injure me, and I'm pretty sure he's never deliberately intended to cause me harm, but in my case, significant harm was still done. It took a long, long time to reach the point of drawing a line, and how your friend reacts to it will be critical for how/if they can move forward.

If, as you say, she's tried to get him to talk and to share his reasons, even including therapy together, that's a positive and she should gently keep the door open. But, if she has focussed on telling him all the reasons he is wrong to feel the way he does, it's unlikely there will be a way back.

Let them figure it out between them, and if she cares, tell her to keep trying from a distance. She could gently ask how she can better understand his feelings, and reinforce how much he is loved. He's obviously hurting, but it sounds like she is oblivious as to why. Yes, he could be 'ashamed' of her size, her tiny flat and the lifestyle they had before he was more successful, but that seems unlikely.

If she genuinely is obvious, she must be in a lot of pain. Find ways to support her through it that don't involve him will be the best, and kindest, thing you can do.

We (DH and I) are on the other side of this. We’ve received letters from well meaning friends. My DH usually refuses to read them and they do absolutely nothing for the situation. Your support should be with your friend to rebuild her life. Your friend should remain consistent and open to future contact. Send cards with a simple note at Christmas and birthday (unless asked not to). But otherwise, little to be done.

It doesn’t sound like he’s making false memories but he’s reflecting on his childhood as an adult.

Labelling him a ‘gaslighter’ who has mental health issues and saying he’s cut his Mum out because she’s too fat and poor compared to his girlfriend’s parents.

If anyone’s making false claims it’s you!

OP while it’s not impossible that it’s all in his head, you do not know their relationship.

I often wonder what my father’s friends think of me. Probably similar to what you think of your friend’s son. I can assure you none of them witnessed the cruelty which means I stopped speaking to him at 30.

I went no contact with my mother because she couldn’t admit to her neglect and abuse - she would tell people “oh she isn’t talking to me because I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was a great parent for the eighties!”
She looks like the perfect caring parent to the outside world but she was so cruel that I had so little self worth that I couldn’t even pull my car over if there was a car behind me until I was nearly 40. No one would have thought she was responsible for that but she absolutely was.

My aunt wrote a letter asking me to phone my mother and how they were worried. I was livid, beyond livid actually.
I’m done.

I was there every single second when we were with our mum or dad, as children. We'd be at school or at activities, and we were both at home in the morning and evenings and at weekends. It was a small house. I do know. She just said that she and her husband wanted their own lives. And that was that.

She saw her "regularly almost every year".

Perfectly possible to put a mask on over an annual visit. MN is full of people doing it when they see their in-laws at Christmas.

Again..not true. You are so naive it's laughable.

But he'll have been called out, and that matters, imo.

Bloody hell keep your beak out! Do not write any one a letter!

And what would the letter say? “Phone your mother she’s so lovely and you’ve had your head turned”? In more flowery language I’m sure. Can you really imagine that helping?

I think you're so naive it's laughable. For blindly believing that there must be abuse for this to happen. For not recognising what utter b*stards people can be for no reason. For not realising that aggression can be completely unprovoked. For not knowing that yes, people absolutely can be that bad and that cruel for no good reason. For not accepting that THAT'S human nature, my friend.

But she saw them a lot during the son's first five years. She'd have noticed if the son was scared of her or something.

A similar kind of experience with my DSis. One by one cut everyone off. The misery it has caused has been awful. Why this was a course of action she thought necessary to take is unfathomable.

Matters more than avoiding making the situation worse for her friend (especially if he's not an arsehole)? The point is that OP can't know for sure, and whatever she chooses to do has to work for any of the possibilities. She can't just pick the one she'd like to be true.

Did it not occur to you that she would support you writing the letter because it’s a way for her to ignore his wishes by proxy?
Why don’t you recognise this ‘support’ as a red flag? You’re analysing her son, an adult you don’t even really know, and yet you don’t even question your friend’s motives.

Another thing that is important to note. I did not come across as an abused child. I hugged my mother in public or when others were there, I lied for her, I brushed what she did under the carpet, I became a very good liar because I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut. I desperately wanted my Mum to love me so I did everything in my power to make it happen...it never did but it would have looked to the outside world that we were a very loving mother and daughter and NOTHING was further from the truth.

But he has his reason. Regardless of if anyone believes it’s valid enough he does.

He feels he needs to be no contact with his mother for a reason that is his own. Op admits the child was left overnight without medical care for a fracture and the father was regularly talked about unkindly in the child’s presence. They are just the things op knows. There will be loads she doesn’t know she only in older years saw him once a year after the age of five.