How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

All she has is the friends word on that

Yes, I have the same experience with me and my sister. She will defend our dad until the cows come home. In many ways, he was an incredible person, very talented and a good dad and to the outside world a nice guy.

However, he was also a terrible husband to my mum and had massive anger issues. He would shout at her over nothing if he was in a bad mood and it would go on for hours. At times it was definitely abusive.

I think he's the reason I can't hold down a relationship. I'm attracted to men that are like him. My sister has become like him. I really feel sorry for her husband. Everyone thinks she's amazing too but she can be worse than my dad was.

What the average person doesn't realise is that abuse is never continuous. Abusive people go through phases of being nice and some of them even have redeeming qualities. If they were awful all the time it would be easy to spot them.

This . My brother did this to my poor darling Mum . She absolutely did not deserve to be treated so badly…she died a very sad old lady .Shall never forgive him and never want to clap eyes on him again!

Stately Homes? What do they have to do with the topic?

If they are threads about abuse, of course they're going to be biased.

I just think that selfish young adults who think the world of themselves are much more common than maternal abusers. I've seen selfish, despicable behaviour all around me in recent years, and I'm done with pretending that it's OK.

You cut off your loving parents for no reason?

Sibling.

Don’t do it - awful idea.
My DH is really low contact with his DM, I’m sure me (and my wealthy family…) get the blame. But without me there would be no contact at all. He would have walked away completely without me badgering to keep in touch at arms length.
His DM is absolutely lovely, help anyone type of person, except to her children. She totally has two sides which is why 2 out of 3 of her kids are reluctant to have much to do with her.
You have no idea what goes on in other peoples families behind closed doors.
Just be supportive of your friend, but keep out of it!

I had a really shit Mum. I’m low contact with her as an adult. My two siblings are completely no contact with her. She was selfish, uncaring, not maternal, gave us no support or love, always put her own wants and needs above ours, was sometimes cruel and sometimes hit us.

However all her pals at the Church think she’s a lovely lady, the life and soul of the party! I would imagine she claims that she has no idea why her three adult children have turned their back on her, I’m sure she has rewritten history in her head, painted herself the victim.

Your friend might be a lovely friend to you. She could also have been a terrible mother to her son. Both of these statements can be true.

Do not contact her son. Definitely do not contact his gf or her parents! Keep out of it.

OMG Do not write a letter!! This is not your place and you know NOTHING of why he has cut contact!
by your own admission you knew he from age 1-5 and then once a year until teens, so how on earth would you know what he has been through. Just because YOU see your friend as lovely and the best mum ever does not mean she actually was. You mention he has brought up events that he feels upset about but you and your friend are dismissing them because they don’t resonate with you and your memories 🤯….wow. No wonder he has cut contact. He has tried to explain to his mum and she is twisting it back to her being a victim because she won’t acknowledge her son feels a certain way about particular events. My MIL will swear down she was the best mum in the world but guess what..she wasn’t and my husband is seriously damaged due to her neglect and lack of love.
The best thing you can do is to support your friend as only she can repair the relationship

Thank you! Yes, sometimes people disown family members because they're abusive, and sometimes they do it because they're complete and utter arseholes.

ACE - Adverse Childhood Experiences - google this.

@NoisyDenimShaker You sound like a very naïve person.

It would be bad enough if you wanted to send him a message just saying "hi, I don't want to get involved too much, but your mum is very sad at your estrangement and would really appreciate a chance to talk".

The fact you want to send him a vicious letter accusing him of lying about his childhood, and also send it to his girlfriend and her parents is appalling. It's a bad thing to send him a letter questioning his honesty/mental health and how he's treating your friend (still very bad). But the fact that you want to send it to the girlfriend and parents shows that your motivation is just undermining him, and either just humiliating him for the sake of it or manipulating him into reconciling with your friend.

The fact your friend is willing to let you send such a letter says everything about her.

Unless you spent every second of every day with your sibling, you have no idea how they were treated. It's common for parents to be loving to one child and absolutely vile to another.

I have one sibling who thinks our parents are kind and loving. He thinks myself and other sibling are lying about the way these same parents have treated us. Almost to the point that if I didn't have one sibling with the same experience as myself, I would wonder if I were going mad.

Absolutely

You could be writing about my birth giver.

Lots of people will tell you how wonderful a mother she was, a lovely person. What an awful child I am for cutting her off.

They know nothing of what went on behind closed doors. The neglect, the drinking, the kicking me out and moving a random in under my dad's nose, the frittering of the money so the flat was repossessed with all my belongings in it, the suicide blackmail, the shouting, screaming, smacking and belittling, the trying to put my healthy cat down and leaving me with the unpaid bill, the taking all my money.

And I won't tell them either. I'm ashamed I allowed it to continue as long as it did. She'll twist it to her version and as her friends they'll believe her. And it doesn't serve any purpose for anyone else to know what I endured other than to hurt me more and more people than is already the case.

All this to say leave this well alone. You only truly know one side and even then do you really? Nothing good will come of you getting involved in this, for anyone.

OP spent a lot of time with them over many years. Abusers can't keep their mask on for that long. They're too unstable. Little things would have slipped out. Weird opinions, weird behaviours.

OP, the fact that the son made such a big deal of hugging his mum in public and wanting to sit next to her, even once he was older, actually seems quite telling to me. If he had a strong and confident relationship with his mum, why would he feel the need to display this kind of affection? It just seems a little strange to me and perhaps is indicative that things weren't all as rosy as you/your friend believe.
Please do not write any letters or approach the son. Support your friend in other ways.

It's literally none of your business.
My husband is estranged from his mother. If a flying monkey "friend" of his mum sent us a letter I think that would be the final nail in the coffin for him.
You have even admitted you don't know the full ins and outs of the situation. You only know what your friend is like as your friend. You can't know the experience of being her child. Pack it in.

This is exactly right.

I was the recipient of a letter like this from a relative with whom I have very little relationship but who presumed to know and understand the details of my (long-considered, carefully thought-out) estrangement with my parent, no doubt having heard and believed, without questioning, that parent's version.

It did make everything much worse.

I'd stay out of it tbh, maybe she was an amazing mother but it's their relationship to sort out.

I've had people tell me how lucky I am to have a mum like mine and how brilliant she is, but my version of her is very different and she was actually a pretty terrible parent.

Where have I said I would write the letter in this way, where?

Goodness, and people not reading the full thread either. I've already said I'm not going to write a letter.

Oh, if only you knew the things I've been through.

I think you're naive for not recognising what utter b*stards people can be for no reason. For not realising that aggression can be completely unprovoked. For not knowing that yes, people absolutely can be that bad and that cruel for no good reason. THAT'S human nature, my friend.

He's pushing his mum away, she sounds like she can be over bearing so this is probably why.
He's in his 30s, with a girlfriend, not sure what the relevance of 'she has very rich parents' is about. I doubt her parents have much control/interest in someone in their 30s! I can only assume your friend feels like she is lower than these people so want to prove something?
Absolutely mortifying for both of you if you write a letter and I wouldn't be surprised if he completely cuts contact.

Every single person in the known universe thinks my father was a lovely lovely man. Everyone I meet, my cousins, my mums brothers, their wives, our neighbours, his colleagues, all think he was a lovely funny kind fine upstanding member of the community with the best garden in town, he has awards for it.
Except he was a bastard, a wife beating abusive bastard. He made our lives hell, I hated him all my life and I still do.
Just because you think your friend is a delight, doesnt mean she is.
Stay out of it.