How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

He's done a hard cut-off. I'm not sure how things could be worse for the friend.

I don’t think it’s that there must be abuse. It’s that the OP needs to realise that she is not in a position to know whether or not there was abuse, or even simply poor behaviour.

OP, the moment I started reading I guessed there’s so much more to this, and the more you tell, the more convinced I am that you have no clue what you’re talking about. Toxic people (your friend) are very talented at recruiting flying monkeys into their drama and do their dirty work for them (you).
I’ve been your friend’s son. I’ve had flying monkeys intervening with good intentions. Years later many of them have realised they taken in by a narcissistic manipulator.

I think most people here have not said that there must be abuse but rather that OP shouldn't assume there can't have been - precisely because people can be unimaginably cruel for no good reason while pretending that they're not.

You have rose tinted glasses, you weren’t there and on the other side of it it sounds like he is seeing everything through a bitter haze. Just be there for a friend, offer no opinions or judgement of him because he did go through a tough time no matter how great your friend is x

But she's coming from a bad place to make such decisions.

Picture the scenario of you writing the letter: friend's son receives it, is appalled and unleashes even more vitriol at your friend...........she'll blame you, you and she will part company and then she'll be even more unhappy and have even less support!

Be a sounding board for your friend, be a support but no, don't write a letter.

And I've lost count of how many times now you've been given that advice and you are still saying "Oh but....." - seriously, when literally everyone else is disagreeing with you you surely have to realise that they may have a point....

I have been nc with my mother for 13 years.

I have very valid reasons. Partly down to extensive childhood abuse towards me and partly because her behaviour eventually extended to my children and caused the police to raise a safeguarding alert with the LA which resulted in an Initial Assessment by the Child Protection team.

I give this context so you know it wasn't a silly falling out without reason. The SW made it quite clear I would.have been at risk of losing my children had I continued contact. And rightly so!

I wouldn't get involved.

I agree with those who say you don't know exactly what happened in the relationship between them. Your experience is as her friend, not her child.

Either way, he is an adult and this is his decision to make.

My friend's son went nc with her a few years ago at a similar age. It's hard because I've listened to her side of it and I believe her version of event completely. From her perspective. But in everything she has told me, I can hear his interpretation of the same events. Even though I've never spoken to him.

I'd be devastated if my children went nc with me and can understand the desire and need to make contact but, if he has explicitly asked her not to, then she shouldn't.

Fwiw, my friendship has drifted with this friend and I think it is, in part, because it is so difficult for her but she also knows I am her son in my own family.

Don't get involved.

There are MANY more people who cut off contact due to abuse than there are those who do it because they are bastards.

Lucky for you that you didn't grow up with a covert abuser as a parent.

If the OP had wrote the initial post about her son cutting her off, that is different, she has lived it, she knows the truth but her bloody friend wanting to write a letter to the son, his girlfriend and her parents when she wasn't even THERE is ridiculous.

Just to clarify, my friend knows about my intention and would support me writing the letter.

Says a lot about her. No-one in their right mind would be on board with this.

Yes, I agree with this. People on these threads can be extremely dismissive of those who have been left behind, as if you must have really deserved it. It really isn't always like that.

In my experience (therapist) people don't just cut off their parents lightly. If anything, I think more people keep contact with difficult parents because of the attachment.

It sounds like your friend is a lovely friend to you, and it doesn't mean she is a bad person, but you can't possibly know her sons experience growing up.

Hi op,

I think focus on your friend and don’t intervene…you wouldn’t her blaming you making things worse for a start and also…what will you way « you are a bad boy! »…I mean, he is 30. He knows fair well that he hurts her.

Just take her out, go and see her…whatever takes her mind for 5sec of her very uneasy situation. Especially with Xmas around the corner…

You could try if mum supports but not sure if it will make a difference. I suppose if he's cut her off then it can't hurt. There's a chance what he's saying is true or could be he's exaggerating or he's being influenced by others
You mention his mental health and a few things you said about him remind me of a friend that has a personality disorder (bpd) She cannot hold down a job as always falls out with people but then blames them. She was close to her family and they supported her alot including financially, but since she got into a new relationship she has cut them off completely and started making some very extreme accusations. Extended family have tried to contact her but she just changes her number. It's very sad and I really feel for her elderly mum but my friend doesn't feel bad at all. I think she tells alot of lies but actually ends up believing herself, your friends son could be the same. It might help for you to challenge him on stories that you actually witnessed.

I have witnessed SO much breathtakingly selfish behaviour in recent years that I just don't agree with your first statement. I'm talking people who run away when an immediate family member is seriously ill, people who stay away from the bereaved when they were previously very close, people who walk out on spouses because they put on some weight, all kinds of despicable behaviour. I think people being arseholes is much more common than maternal abusers. In fact, arseholery seems to be rather the default position for humanity. Read Guns, Germs, and Steel. It's because we're descended from chimps, who are the meanest of the simians.

Many years ago, my cousin left home without any explanation. Just left and broke all contact. My aunt (my mum's sister) and her husband were devastated. Every time we visited, they would talk about how much they loved and missed her and how utterly broken hearted they were. They would dig out photos and poetry and artwork, saying how proud of her they were. My mum was a lovely non judgmental person, but felt so hurt on behalf of her sister. She used to say she wished she could find my cousin and tell her how loved and missed she was. Sometimes she would get a bit angry and express how wrong my cousin was to put her loving parents through such distress. We knew she was safe via certain channels and that she wasn't in any danger. Several years later my cousin contacted a family member and told a terrible story of an abusive childhood at the hands of her parents. This was subsequently confirmed by her own brother, who had said nothing for years as he was too traumatised by his own experiences. So, what I'm saying is, everything isn't always as it seems. I absolutely loved my aunt. I found her funny and quirky and kind. I loved her husband too, who welcomed us into his home with love and kindness. But they were terrible, terrible parents. You just never know the full story. This was my mum's own sister and she had NO idea. Best to steer clear of any interference and support your friend as best you can.

It absolutely can hurt, as many people have explained on this thread.

You cannot armchair diagnose BPD from the information you have here, FFS.

Yup. I'm amazed at the amount of people who believe that the son is right. I bet he's all puffed up, what with him being a model. 🤮

As someone that is NC with her own mother. You do not know anything of this man's childhood. You sound exactly like my mother's friends and family when I cut ties. But she is the kindest person ever, she's so generous and caring etc etc. the reality was she was abusive my entire life, it just took until I got to adulthood and had my own life and child to realise just how abusive she was.
Quite frankly the letters I received from her friends and family made things 1000x worse and made me even less inclined to have anything to do with her. It showed just was a narcissistic bitch she was, going round to her mates and family selling them a sob story about how she is the victim. It's disgusting.
Leave the man alone, he has made his decision and it will not have been an easy one. Stop throwing around vile accusations of mental health issues and accept he has realised what a happy and safe existence is and doesn't want his abuser or her blind friends fucking it up

i think you could send a letter but from your perspective. Keep it short and respectful, and importantly encouraging, not rebuking. We miss you tone.

My mum would moan about me to her best friend. She'll give her very, very filtered versions of events and I dread to think what my mums friend must think about me and how unfair I am to my mum.

My mum also used to beat us, ran away regularly, was emotionally abusive and I had to cut her off for a period to preserve my own mental health and to try and show her that my boundaries were non negotiable. Funnily enough her friend wouldn't know that and her favourite tactic is telling people how much we 'lie' .

You've no idea what's gone on behind closed doors. You have no business getting involved. Support your friend emotionally when she wants to talk about it and leave it to her and her son to resolve. I also think it's intrusive that you'd write such a letter and interesting that your friend doesn't see it as such.

Please don’t write a letter! I can’t see any situation where that would be a good idea. If anyone is going to make him “see the light” it’s not you.

Has his mum apologised to him about the things that went wrong?

I'm glad you've listened and have decided not to write the letter, @soupsetpleasehelp. Whatever your friend has told you won't be the whole story. Her DS wouldn't cut her off for tenuous reasons – he's done it because he clearly had a troubled childhood living with her and as an adult he's decided it's healthier not to have her in his life. She might have been Mother of the Century in your company but you have no idea what she was like in private when it was just the two of them. As for deciding they had a loving relationship on his ability to hug you and her other friends – how do you know he wasn't warned beforehand that he'd better be nice to you all and not show her up or else?

What a stupid thing to say, HOW on earth do you know if he was abused or not?

Chimps are cousin species, not our ancestors.

Either there is a lot more to the story or he has mental health problems and won’t want to hear it from you.