How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

This is not your business and you should absolutely not write him a letter.

He is an adult with his own recollections of his childhood. I'd wager my mother's friends would speak highly of her parenting too but behind closed doors it was a very different experience for us children.

Honestly, apart from wanting to be a person who wants to 'talk about feelings and not hold them in' - I'm not like that! - she is the most gentle, wonderful person. They have had a very good relationship until his late 20s, admittedly after a breakup with one of his girlfriends.

I think he is confused about himself, maybe suffering from mental health issues.

People who make class journeys can sometimes cut contact.

What does your friend think about your idea of writing these letters - or was it her idea?

I suggested it, as she feels helpless. She was very grateful. I said I would do some research on it.

Oh dear god, don’t write a letter, send a text or get involved in anyway other than to be there for your friend. It’s a shame for her but it’s not your fight to sort out. Maybe he will come around maybe he won’t but I find it odd that an adult child would go NC for no good reason. If that is the case then then they are probably unhinged so you sending a letter won’t make an iota of a difference

There is a saying, there are two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

You know absolutely nothing about his life. Knowing him up to the age of 5 - then seeing him yearly to his late teens is absolutely minimal involvement in his life, frankly.

He's an adult. Mind your own damn business.

I have a difficult relationship with my parents, although I'm not NC with them - and was enraged the other year by an 'auntie' (old friend of theirs) giving me her opinion of our relationship and telling me what 'wonderful' parents they were. It was - and is - fuck all to do with her, and she knows very little about the entire situation or how deeply damaging my parents have been over the years. She sees the face they present to the outside world and the bullshit they feed her.

Of course your friend would support you - you are taking her side in a relationship that is none of your business. And the way you speak of him - a 30 year old man you don't know - is patronising beyond belief.

So you think someone you have known as a lovely young man is suddenly gaslighting his mum?

Honestly this reminds me a lot of me, people will like me but they still believe that my relationship with my mum must be due to some weird personality flaw where for some reason I’m only a monster (in her telling) to her. It’s completely inconsistent with my actual personality but they struggle to see either of us accurately and choose my mums telling because she’s better at garnering sympathy from people.

Children mostly want their parents approval. People who go NC usually spend quite a lot of time analysing whats wrong with them that caused their parent to treat them as they did before they realise its not them. People rarely go contact on a whim. i’m not saying he’s not motivated by something else or managing his image but he would have to be a very shitty person to do that given you previously thought he was lovely.

The fact that your friend would be fine with you writing a letter to him rings alarm bells with me tbh. Thats exactly the kind of thing my mother would enjoy. It’s manipulative.

We are cut off from my sd.
If anybody else got involved and wrote a letter I'd be furious. It's absolutely nothing to do with you, and even less to do with his girlfriend's parents.
Stay out of a situation you can't possibly understand or know all the details of and just support your friend without meddling and making things worse

Support your friend but do not got involved. You no idea what's gone on behind closed doors. Do not ever read or contact her son.

I chose to cut contact with my parents, they know exactly why.

In my mother's own words if she stopped to think why I cut contact she'd have to admit to herself that she'd made a wrong choice and she was wrong and I was right, and she just couldn't face that.

Do you honestly think he’s going to value your input and that it’ll be significant enough for him to change his mind? It sounds like you barely knew him and certainly weren’t around for the majority of his childhood. It’s a little odd that you think he’d suddenly have an epiphany about his childhood based on what you have to say.

My now 24yr old DS cut me off 4yrs ago. Then his brother, aunt, cousins, grandparents.

I don't know where he lives anymore. Happened not long after he got into a relationship with an older woman from a wealthy family.

At the start, my DSis offered to go and see him (when we knew where he lived), but I was adamant that she shouldn't. I couldn't see that being remotely useful. Likewise, you should keep out of it. Not your business. Don't throw fuel on the fire.

The fact you and your friend think it is in any way appropriate to do this tells me an awful lot about both of you.

Writing to his girlfriend's parents FFS 😂
I would go APOPLECTIC if someone tried a stunt like this on me.

It's becoming clear why he has chosen to go NC tbh.

He is an adult. If he needs support or clarification I am sure he will seek it our himself. Don't be that person because that may cause absolutely irreputable damage.

What do you think you can say that will change the outcome? For the son to "see the light" and say "oh mum's friend, you are right, I'll call mum right away"

More likely is that he will be more annoyed at his mum for getting other people involved in their relationship. You will be viewed as a flying monkey.

As for writing to his gf and her parents, why?! To try to shame him into contact?

You can't exactly make the situation worse, but I woudn't focus on trying to replair the relationship because you can't do that.

You could make an offer to meet for a catch up as a family friend, because you have loving memories of him and would like to maintain a friendship with him and would like to be in his life, regardless of his relationship with his mum. That might be the first step on a very long path.

keep out of it. None of your business. She may be a wonderful person….. to you. My ex mil is to everyone else a lovely person, behind closed doors a violent and malicious alcoholic

Writing a letter on her behalf would put a nail in any kind of reconciliation if possible.

Support your friend but in an appropriate way, inserting yourself to this degree is not appropriate in any sense.

Please don’t do this. It will make things a lot worse. I’m shocked you’re considering it or your friend would even countenance something so manipulative.,

why would either of you think you’ve any power in this situation.

From the outside, it looked like I lead an idyllic life with wonderful parents. My actual life was filled with abuse and violence. My parents just hid it well. My father has absolutely downplayed any trauma we might have experienced in childhood.

you have no idea what this man experienced growing up. You need to stay out of this situation. You can remain friends with the mother. You have not been presented with any evidence to change your relationship with her.

Don't send that letter, it's honestly a really really bad idea.

I've been estranged from a parent and receiving this letter would have made everything worse and made me furious.

You can never know what's really gone on between them and you could cause a lot of harm here to your friend as well as her son.

Keep out of it and support your friend without being one of her flying monkeys.

OP, I know you mean well. But you have to allow your friend's son his own opinions. Writing to him to tell him he's wrong and what he 'ought' to do is never going to help, he's an adult, he knows how he feels and he's entitled to his view of his own life. It's going to be difficult for your friend, but you have to support her to allow her son his freedom. There is every chance that, should this all be part of a reaction to background, he will mature out of this attitude. As long as she keeps the door open he may well come back to her, however, she must respect his decision to break off contact.

I suggested it to the mum, she's supportive. I wouldn't do it without her consent!

The extent to which you're minimising not seeking medical treatment for her child tells me that you are precisely the wrong person to even attempt to intervene. My parents did something similar, it might sound minor to you but it has literally scarred me for life.

And I missed it in my first reading, but you've seen him maybe once a year and he was loving and attentive to his mum in front of you? Yeah, and I was absolutely the model daughter in front of company, too, because hell would have rained down if I hadn't been. Leave him alone.

I am absolutely certain that sending these letters will make the situation worse, perhaps even irrevocable. Support your friend and encourage her to respect her son's wishes for now, with a view to hopefully try again in the future.

Out of interest - how has your friend reacted to these accusations? Has she denied them and said he's being ridiculous or has she apologised?