How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WRITE THE LETTER! As someone who is no contact with their own dad for a multitude of reasons I would advise against it. I’m sure he’s also told people I have mental health issues which is why we’re not contact as well as spinning a yarn as to his side of events. Not your place or your business, nor do you actually know the truth.

4 words
keep
out
of
it.

By the way, here’s what I wish my mother’s friends had actually done. They should have encouraged her to seek therapy and reflect on the reasons I had given her. We might have reconciled sooner had they done that.

If your friend hopes to reconcile with her son then do not write the letter.

If I as the girlfriend or her parents received such a letter I would think you were absolutely batshit and totally believe everything the son had said.

Give him time and space.

My brother did this. Moved to London and told so many lies, made out my father was abusive, that we were small town country bumpkins who had never left our town, that everyone in his hometown was stupid etc and when he realised that the two worlds would collide when I visited London for work (which wouldn’t fit with the image he tried to present of our family, I have an MA and a “big job” and travel as do lots of people here) or added people he knew on social media etc, he engineered an argument which I didn’t understand at all at the time. It really hurt until I realised the reasons behind it. He has reinvented his history, maybe because he is ashamed of where he has come from, maybe for attention or sympathy but it’s a thing. I understand that my brother likely has mental health issues and I’m probably better off out of the situation but I would be devastated if this was my child.

So the very last thing he needs is a load of stress and emotional upheaval, then. He's got enough to deal with; you writing him guilt-trip letters about how terrible his mum feels aren't going to help him. FFS.

Good Grief ! Do not interfere.

If anyone writes a letter, then it would need to be Mum herself.

but remember you do not know what went on behind closed doors.

Do you have his number? Maybe a light text?

Oh goodness OP. Please don't write a letter. I know how hard it is too see this and you care about your friend. But it's not your place.

My mum appeared to her friends and the outside world to be incredibly caring. She was a nurse, so loving and sweet with people, looked up to by many young people and seen by everyone (well, most) as a lovely, caring, affectionate, kind person. Almost a martyr that gave everything to their children.

But behind closed doors things were incredibly different. I'm not saying she didn't have a loving side at home. But, there was a lot of emotional abuse, some physical abuse, she would threaten suicide weekly. She was scary and I believed truly she had the power and capability to kill me.

You could not, as an outsider, ever know or believe the two people described were the same person. Honestly, her best friend would have been exactly the same as you. Exactly.

My mother's friends believed everything she said.

I know you mean well. By all means be there for your friend. She needs your support. But, there is very likely history she will never tell you and that you know nothing about...

Write it, but you’ll be wasting your time. If some ‘helpful old biddy’ friend of my mothers wrote to me it would be getting burned in the fire. The absolute cheek and gall to think you know more and best. I cut my mother off for very good reason. And I bet I know what she tells her ‘very good friends’ about her awful daughter. However it’s funny she hasn’t told them about her drinking, her verbal evil attacks, how she calls her own grandchildren liars etc she’s just a nasty bit of work. Stay out of it, it’s not welcome. He’s got reasons for what he’s done, he’s an adult, it’s none of your business.

100%

I am very lucky that my mum has a friend who has patiently and carefully done this with her and our relationship now isn't perfect but does actually exist

If you really want to help, I would start by asking your friend some open questions about the past

Of course support your friend. Under no circumstances write a letter.

@soupsetpleasehelp you've had pretty conclusive advice here not to write a letter to anyone.
Most have been fairly gentle and polite understanding that your intentions appear to be good although misguided.

You're not listening to how awful and intrusive this idea is and how much damage could be caused.

Your reading is out of date. False memory research has been largely discredited. https://www.thecut.com/article/false-memory-syndrome-controversy.html

Do not get involved, OP, you don't know anything about it and could even make things worse. By all means listen to your friend, but also help her to enjoy all the other good things in life.

I have to agree with this. As a teen people would actually comment at how awful I am and it took until my 20s for people to see it was my mum. OP you have a very one sided view of the situation.
I've also had many fractures, and they hurt a lot straight away. There's NO way I believe he only complained once and ended up with a fracture the next day. Absolutely 0 chance that happened. You are being taken for a fool.

This is absolutely none of your business. He's not your son, and however much you think you know, I bet you don't know the full story. Seeing someone "regularly" is not the same as living full time in a family - his experience is not going to be the same as yours.

If you write to him and his girlfriend's family, you are going to be overstepping hugely. At best, the people reading it are going to think you are completely mad and over-involved. At worst, you are just going to push her son further away - it's likely that he'd read it and be pissed off that his mum is now dragging other people into try and emotionally blackmail him.

This is not your problem to solve. If you want to be helpful then be a listening ear and supportive shoulder for your friend to lean on.

Maybe, just maybe he wants to have his own life.

Maybe his Mum is overbearing and he finds her too much.

What do you honestly think a letter is going to do ?

God I'd be livid
I am non contact with my mother and I've had a couple of busybodies over the years
theyve been given short shrift

FFS you are gonna write to the girlfriend and her parents telling them he is mentally unwell and he is misremembering things. My ex husband went round telling every fucker I was having a mental breakdown when I decided to leave him and for a good few months people did actually believe him, he made me a doctors appointment for me in person but made himself one via phone for himself right before mine telling my doctor who has known me for 25 years that I'm having a breakdown, I went to the appointment because why not and I asked her if I was mental after explaining what had been going on (I had even started to doubt myself at this point) she said that in all the time she has known me I have never not gone to her when I have been struggling with my mental health and I have always been open and honest and articulate and I came away from that appointment so fucking angry with my ex. Anyway turns out it was him having the fucking breakdown and it was just pure projection and as it stands he is not allowed any contact with me or our daughter because of that and the consequences of his actions which have been devastating to us both and he is waiting to be sentenced in court very soon.

You know fuck all so keep your beak out and stick your diagnosis of this man up your arse.

That might sound harsh but the way you keep going on about his mental health and the fact you wanna contact his girlfriend and his parents to tell them all about it is exactly what my ex did and I felt so alone because nothing makes you sound more mental than trying to persuade other people that you aren't.

Don’t write. It will make things worse.

He will resent his mum even more for talking to you and he will become entrenched in his position.
Encourage your friend to seek counselling and work on herself.

She is in therapy. She offered for the son to come along so that they (and he) could openly voice why he's feeling so upset and angry.

I know this is how you see her. I get that you believe 100% that she is always a gentle and wonderful person that couldn't have emotionally or otherwise harmed her son or deserve to be cut off.

But you cannot ever know someone fully. You care about her, but she may not be everything you believe her to be. Stay out of it. You cannot know what life was like behind closed doors. You honestly cannot.

It's absolutely none of your business.

My MIL could say the same. DH did a soft fade then hard cut off with her over a similar period of time. I very much doubt she told all her friends that her ex-husband had recently been jailed for historic sex abuse of their children.