How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

My sis and I have very different experiences of growing up in the same household a lot of things she claims happened simply did not happen but she firmly believes they did and will defend "her truth" to the death! Especially saying our parents prefer me to her they barely bring themselves to speak to me most the time they woukd run over hot coals to thank her for glancing at them

Just wait it out - if he is being influenced by the new wealthy / shallow people in his life, he will hopefully figure it out for himself one day. You getting involved will just stoke the fire

Just from your own example: A child that has a broken bone and is not taken to the doctor until the next day is not remotely 'normal' and does class as neglect.

You are silencing his experiences and justify neglect, it might not have been 'willful abuse' if giving the benefit of the doubt but it IS neglect and the child is factually is the victim. That is not gaslighting it just is truth if you acknowledge it did actually happen. What you are doing is trying to excuse it but you can't because its simple fact.

Also abusers, narcissist, psychopaths etc... are often super nice and wonderful to certain people. They are kings/queens of killing with kindness and putting on a show when people are looking its LITERALLY how they get away with it. They make everyone think they 'could never' then they convince everyone else the victim is victimizing THEM and turn everyone else into participants in abuse too.

in a different country so no risk that this is outing This is the world wide web

Stay out of it ffs. I don't talk to my parents, they are vile and twisted . If one of their friends wrote me a letter, they'd get a piece of my mind. This is absolutely none of your business at all.

My mother offered to do this with me. My therapist refused because he said it would just give her another venue for her abuse.

By the way, I wasn't going to write he's mentally unwell. Just a very gentle letter was the plan. Opening up a conversation between all parties.
But I can see here that writing a letter of any kind is not the thing to do.

Well you seem determined to prove yourself an idiot so crack on I say.

My mil physically and emotionally abused her son while while
he was dying of cancer and people still think she’s a caring mom 🤷🏻‍♀️

From his perspective though, they are the case.

Nobody is saying your friend should have been a perfect parent, none of us can be, but she can still have done things that he now means he feels he can't have a relationship with her.

It's not a court of law. There's not a standard of evidence he has to meet. And EVERYONE'S recollections of these events are a quarter of a century old. I'd also bear in mind that he'll have been thinking about said events a lot more than any other witness.

Ok. Look at it from his point of view. He may well be horrified that private family business has been shared outside the family and will point the finger of accusation firmly at his mother. That is a possible outcome of your letter and will make it all worse

I cut contact. People saw my mum as kind, generous, loving

They didn't see the day I broke my ankle and came home in plaster and she asked for a cup of tea. I made it and said I couldn't carry it and she said "find a way" and let me crawl with it to her rather than her getting up to get it

The never saying I love you, never hugged me

The "why did you only get 99% on this test?"
The "but X is so blonde and slim. Not like you"
The "men don't want a fat woman with glasses"

The termination she forced me to have, I now can't have children due to endo
Yet she doted on everyone else's children to the point of ignoring me if there was a random baby there

I sat by her hospital bed and held her hand as she died because I don't think anyone should die alone, that's the first time I had ever held her hand. But there was no grief there except for grieving the mother I wanted and never had

"she was so loving and generous and thoughtful" was all everyone said

I’m genuinely curious why you think you have a superior insight into this?

OP do you understand how inappropriate it is that you're even thinking about doing this?

Why do you think you should get involved in someone else's private family relationship? What gives you the right?

Why do you think he is going to listen to you?

whilst your loyalty,support and opinion are very clear(to your friend)please dont write to him.
He is 30-all the man hes ever gonna be. Your view and his lived experience clearly dont align.whatsmore you dont have any sort of right to call justice here.
Far less attempt to direct it.
IF contact by letter is an option.... its on his mum to kick the door back open.
From experience -he has a childs perception of all that occured, she has the option to be selective bout how it was(for him) there may well be no reconciliation.
hard but true. if she loves nd adores him -its not relly going to make much difference trying to fight her corner-take accountability -where appropriate and apologise. sure ask he bears in mind her circumstances and intentions.
but do not dismiss his feelings..he can be pretty in front of a camera with a lovely girlfriend n high faluting family all day long
soewhere in there is hurt wee boy.its not your fight.

The world thinks my mother is a wonderful person, kind, generous, funny, empathic.

She is not.

She subjected me to an abusive and neglectful childhood.

She denies it. Feigns complete and utter ignorance. She was a monster behind closed doors and people do not understand why I cut her off.

I don't need them to understand. They can misunderstand all they like, it changes nothing. My life is a million times better without her in it and I will take that peace over other people's judgement any day.

Oh @fivebyfivebuffy that’s a tough read xxx

Writing a letter or asking to meet with him is an absolutely terrible idea, and if I were the child I'd block you immediately.

You did not live his childhood. You only saw glimpses, and hear his mums perspective.

I've been having counselling for childhood issues for years. Everyone my mum meets would say what a wonderful warm and kind person she is.

She did not make the best decisions as a parent, and though some things were not her fault and were the result of her own MH issues and various life events, it doesn't mean I was not impacted by them. I was and still am.

I am not NC with my mum but I have very firm boundaries. My childhood shaped me as a person in quite negative ways that I've worked hard to undo. None of my family would understand this.

Stay out of it.

You haven’t given any examples of the things he’s said that are “not true”.

No one knows what really goes on - including you.

People don’t go NC without a reason.

I think you should write the letter. You know them well and I would highly doubt that she's a secret monster. Cutting off your mother like that is an absolute disgraceful thing to do, and I think he should be called out on it.

There is so much bad behaviour these days, with people being utterly selfish. People endlessly talking about themselves, people keeping their children away from the grandparents for no good reason, adult children cutting off their parents for no good reason. I'm so, so sick and tired of people's atrocious behaviour. I've let a couple of thirty-year friendships go because I refused to accept being treated like absolute shit, and they didn't like that one bit. Selfish, self-centred people don't take well to being called out. They wanted to treat me like shit AND they wanted me to accept it. Hahahahaaa.

I think all recipients of family estrangements should give it to the little fuckers with both barrels. Write that letter and tell Model Boy some home truths.

OP, he does not want to see her. He is an adult. He has choices. I can guarantee that if a letter arrives from his mother's friend he will either not open it at all or stop reading as soon as he realises what it's about. Then any small prospect of reconciliation will be killed stone dead.

They do if they're selfish, self-centred, narcissistic little fuckers. Look at Meghan Markle, not forgiving her dad for a naive mistake with the media, when he doted on her growing up and spent his 700,000 lottery win on her education. Some estrangements are necessary, of course, but some are carried out simply because the person doing the estranging is a nasty piece of work.

most abusive parents are secret monsters, what planet do you live on

What would be the best way to approach this letter?

Not to do it.

He is telling things in ways which were just not the case.

You only know one side of it - and even if you’re right, if he doesn’t want to hear it from his own mother, he won’t want to hear it from her friend.

It sounds like you're enjoying the drama and desperately trying to get involved. This has absolutely nothing to do with you !
And whatever the reasons for your friends son going NC, it's between him and her . You have no idea what goes on in other family life butt out !