How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

Yes it is isn't it!

Omg I just saw you also want to write to his girlfriend and her parents. What do you want to do guarantee she never sees him again??

Keep your nose out of it. There is always a reason why people go no contact. You just don't happen to know what it is.

She isn't the issue. You are throwing a grenade into a relationship. This is literally nothing to do with you.

I am NC with my father. I would consider how to actually impact anyone who has the audacity to ever contact me.

I would absolutely slam them publicly for their pure arrogance.

Thank you, this is helpful and constructive.

I have a parent who was severely depressive and, looking back, when they complained about how they grew up being unloved (they had siblings who did not feel this way), employers always being in the wrong, I know realise my parent saw the world in very dark ways due to their depression.

Not wanting to minimise all of this, but I do find the increase in NC and ghosting of this generation quite unsettling.

But OP, literally everyone is advising you strongly not to do this. You still seem keen

His experience and how he perceived things will be different to hers. All she can do is try to leave the door open to him if he wants to be in touch and try to understand that his reality is different from hers - it's difficult to come to terms with but it's the only approach in this situation. She can send a message/letter of her own but absolutely you or anyone else shouldn't get involved.

I have an estranged relative and researched extensively as it's devastating, but there's literally nothing you can do to make an adult talk to someone they don't want to.

Don’t do it at all. The fact you’re noth so clueless and would consider this says the problem is your friend and you’re as deluded.

I'm not convinced you're writing this about a friend OP...

It sounds like you're trying to convince us you're so lovely and your son has gone NC with no real reason, but we know that doesn't happen for no reason.

So either you're the one who's son doesn't want anything to do with you- in which case, good for him for getting away. Or you're a friend who shouldn't stick their nose in to someone else's business!

This has nothing to do with you. Trying to be helpful could make the situation a whole lot worse

My mother was always lovely when other people were around.
Just me and her....different woman.
You cannot be sure you know the whole story, or his perspective.
Stay out.

Why? You don't know her. As I said, until her son started modelling and spending time with a very different group, he was the most loving son. He always gave her the biggest hugs; if they were out in public, he always wanted to sit close to his mum but was still very confident and chatty.

So is there EVER a situation where the person cutting contact might have a mental illness that is clouding their memories. Must be - I've read psychology and know that some people do create false memories too. Not saying that is case here.

The world would see my mother as a poor old lady who doesn't get to see her children. Her neighbours even asked why we don't go. To the world she is an innocent woman, to us we lived through an awful childhood. You will never know exactly what it was like for him or her. I'd keep well out of it, no good will come from your involvement

Your friend is consenting to your letter as she's desperate and probably can't see the damage this might do.

None of my mum's friends would have known what really went on in our relationship. To outsiders, we were closer than most mothers and daughters. She was, in fact, an extremely controlling and demonstrated narcissistic tendencies.

I knew 'the rules' and therefore behaved outwardly as if all was well. It wasn't.

A person doesn't cut off their parent for no reason. In fact, it's the last resort and comes when there is no alternative.

The son may well be depressed. It's a horrific thing to have to do.

Keep your nose out please

just. stay. out.

And to add to my post, I think sometimes people do go NC for "no reason" - except by that I mean it seems trivial to others but obviously whatever it is had a big impact on them even if you think it shouldn't have/didn't at the time - with my estranged relative, I feel there's "no reason" objectively and it doesn't make sense, but I've come to appreciate it's an emotional thing and it clearly does seem like "no reason" to them!

If he has MH problems or not, what you are proposing to do could destroy any hope of a reconciliation. It doesn't matter what his reasons are. You can't control him. It's none of your business. He doesn't have to justify himself to anyone, and he certainly won't if you start interfering in his life.

Did you always run up to give her and all her friends hugs?

As I said up until 27/28 all was fine. Which coincidentally is often the age when depression sets in.

Could you maybe write a list of everything you hope to achieve with this letter.

And then think of other ways to achieve it?

Most 30 year old have never received a letter!!! That in itself would be unusual.

Lots of cutting off in my family and the answer always is firstly to respect the persins wishes (which should be obvious to you and your friend), and secondly to allow for time.

Most such ruptures resolve in a year or two or three.

But criticising, applying pressure or making demands will make it much worse.

Better than a letter just send a Christmas card expressing your live and best wishes and not delving into what you think he should feel, do or say.

Also maybe his change in circumstances has helped him see the issues. Until I married and had a child I still went along with all my mums crazy. Only once my life changed I realised the extent of the issues

You’re going to write a letter to him telling him that after the age of 5 you saw him once a year so his memories of his childhood are wrong?

thats insane

People who make class journeys can sometimes cut contact.

And you think they would go back 'in contact' upon receiving a letter from some third party friend?

The son will not get any epiphany on receiving your letter. There is nothing good that can come out of it.

Then if she's onboard it sheds light as to why she's no contact.
If I had a letter begging me to see my step daughter, or to correct what memories I have I would do anything but call or make contact with her. It would entrench the feeling that she is manipulating others and should be avoided.
If a letter went to my parents they would understand why no contact has been initiated and would agree for it to remain that way.
An adult has made a decision not to speak to his mum, stop with suggesting letters that will cause much more damage.
You both need to leave him alone

Oh Christ an amateur psychologist🤦‍♀️. Well you may have skipped 101, consent only engaging with a person willing or reaching out!

Stay. Out. Of. It.

I was NC from my parents for years due to abuse and neglect. Some of my mother’s friends got involved and contacted me. It did nothing but cause further harm.

You did not have his childhood and you have no right to harass him. Stay out of it.

You probably won’t, as you don’t seem to be taking in anything anyone says.