How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

'Why are you reacting so strongly?' 'You're over-sensitive'. 'It wasn't that bad.' Children of abuse will have heard this all their lives.

The word for this is 'invalidating'. It's telling people they're not entitled to their feelings.

Well these days it’s the benefits and access to housing you used to get. If you stopped all benefits for having kids a lot of kids wouldn’t be born.

About 70% of the kids I see at work have either safeguarding concerns without child protection plan, child protection plans, are looked after children or in secure units noted on their medical records or they’ve been victims of serious sexual assaults by older male relatives.

Child abuse is very popular in the UK.

I am NC with my father. I'm sure he'd tell everyone what a great parent he was and that he was the wronged party. He was a TERRIBLE parent who exposed me to drugs and all sorts of other stuff.

It may be the case that your friend really hasn't done anything wrong and her DS is just being spiteful, but even so it is NOT your place to get involved. Do not write him a letter, why would he care what you have to say about it? You are not privy to their relationship no matter how much you think you might know. If one of my dad's friends wrote me a letter I'd burn it straight away.

I can’t believe the amount of people
on this thread who think it’s “selfish” to cut off a parent who has done nothing but make your life a misery.

I was 45 when I’d finally had enough. It wasn’t an easy out to avoid looking after her. It was saving my mental health. How lucky that those saying “they would never do this to their parents” haven’t suffered at the hand of their parents to the point where they had to draw that line. Maybe you have different boundaries, maybe it’s been ingrained by your parents, that no matter how detrimental to yourself, you have to stick by them.
You don’t get to call people who made the choice to look after themselves first selfish. I’m no good to my husband and child if I’m beholden to my mother, depressed about how she’s treated me, never emotionally healthy because of her.
I cut her off so I could be well.
I cut her off so I could be present for my son and partner.
I cut her off because she thinks I imagined the SA my paternal grandfather committed. I must have misunderstood. My aunt cut contact with said grandfather, her dad, because he did the same to my cousin.
My mother was jealous of my mother in law, too. Why? Because she treats me nicely. We have the best relationship. The same she has with her sons. I have fantastic relationships with friends and their mum’s, too.
Cutting my mum off was 100% her failing, not mine.

edited because angry grammar and typos 🤣

Social media has many pitfalls but it was an absolute lifeline for me when I decided to go to NC, and for many of the people I know in the same boat.

My parents weren't abusive but they were controlling, they were religious bigots and it was clear to me that any deviation from the exact life they'd mapped out for me was unacceptable. They framed this as evidence of their love for me, and wanting the best for me. It wasn't until I began reading other people's accounts of similar childhoods that I realised it wasn't love, it wasn't normal and that I needed to get away from it.

One of my best friends is gay, also brought up in a deeply religious household with everything that entails. He's said to me he was absolutely filled with self-loathing and shame as a teenager until he discovered the internet and, on it, people like him.

More recently another of my friends was pregnant with her first. She'd never had a great relationship with her mum, but during pregnancy her mum began sending her more and more cruel, borderline abusive messages every week. Stuff like "I hope your daughter is easier than you were" followed by a list of all the times my friend had been "difficult" as a child. My friend found a Youtube video of 10 narcissistic personality traits and sent it to me saying she'd just realised that's what her mum was - she ticked 9 of the 10 boxes.

We're all NC with our parents, helped along in all cases by the internet and by the love of our partners, and thriving because of it.

I also want to point out that it's so common for these parents to blame a "bad influence". When I was a teenager, any of my schoolfriends who invited me to parties, or anything where my parents couldn't control me, was deemed a bad influence, and I was forbidden from being friends with them. My gay friend's first boyfriend was also called a bad influence. He went fully NC when he met his now-partner and realised he couldn't ever introduce him to his parents because of that.

It's not surprising to me that the OP's friend's son's girlfriend and her family are being cast as the "bad influences".

Agree completely. Some people estrange for very good reasons but there are more and more adults estranging themselves from good, caring families. Joshua Coleman, psychologist specialises in this https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/post/family-estrangement-why-adults-are-cutting-off-their-parents

It causes endless heartbreak with many mothers in this position feeling unable to talk about it because of the “no smoke without fire” brigade. Parents can be playing with fire as mothers who estrange from their parents are more likely to be estranged themselves from their own children.

Your heart is in the right place. I know people when they started hanging around with rich people they became ashamed of their hard working single mothers. It is hard to know if this is the case in this situation. I would perhaps send him a Xmas card with no mention of his mother and just say if he is ever in the area to feel free to call for a coffee.,

There aren't any examples in that article of people estranging themselves for no reason. So I'm not sure of your point.

I think you could support your friend but intervening directly could make matters worse. Sadly this kind of estrangement is much more common these days from very caring families, of course some adult children have good reason to estrange but far from all. Your friend may find this link helpful https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/post/family-estrangement-why-adults-are-cutting-off-their-parents. Dr Coleman is an eminent American psychologist who specialises in this field. Good luck.

I cut contact with my mother - she was evil and manipulative - but as a PP has said about her mother, presented as sugary sweet and completely different character to anyone outside the family.

My own best friend cut contact with me because I distanced myself from my mother, which I deeply regret.
Keep out of it - you only know your friends side of what's gone on.

Apologies for posting the same link twice. I couldn’t see my first posting so posted a very similar one.

You must not write any letter at all, either to your friend’s son or to his partner’s family. You will only make matters worse. What you should do is support your friend in every way you can in helping her to adjust to the new reality.
All she can do is keep the means of communication open in case her boy ever has a change of heart.
It’s very difficult, and something similar happened to a friend of mine. She had to face the pain and rise above it, to the point that even the fact that her child didn’t attend their other parent’s funeral no longer had the power to hurt her.
Encourage your friend to be more outgoing and find new interests and enjoy the rest of her life whilst at the same time cherishing the memory of the loving child she once had,

No I have not read all the thread but I read one bit that makes me think the op is going to write a letter, if true

If someone did that to me I would hand deliver it back with some additional words

It is not your business and you would be told this if this was me, I would also ask how you think you know it all by one side? And what gives you the right to put this on to me?

You are doing this to make yourself feel better nothing more

My father never leaned on anyone in his life, he saw them as resources to be used so any complaints about me would be an attempt to manipulate not get "comfort"
I am not saying you are wrong for every situation but in mine you most certainly are and given that you don't know me or my father I would be grateful if you could stop speculating about it.

I agree with @PeggyMitchellsCameo. He may think at the moment he’s ’making it’ in a world of money, parties and air kisses. But worlds like that can lose their shine once the novelty wears off. In fact, their superficiality can suddenly be exposed, e.g. if his girlfriend moves on with someone else, and most of his ‘friends’ move with her, and the invitations and offers dry up. But he may ‘make it’ and be deeply love with, and remain with, his GF and build a life with her that’s very different to his upbringing.

IMHO his mum should keep reaching out on a regular basis (every couple of months). To say how much she’s thinking about him and how much she loves him. That’s what you want from a mum. Nothing OTT. Not expecting him to answer. In fact, it may be helpful for her to say upfront she doesn’t expect him to answer. She just wants him to know she’s thinking of him, loves him and is always there for him. She should be conscious of coming across as humble and self-reflective, rather than entitled and demanding (not saying she is).

I also agree with another PP that you could reach out as a family friend. But make it clear it’s to maintain a relationship with you, not his mum. You shouldn’t mention her, other than to perhaps say you’re looking after her a as a friend, while he’s so busy. I wouldn’t let on you know about the rift. Just assume he’s busy and say you miss seeing him. Maybe a new year message is a good excuse. Say you’ve resolved to keep in better touch with people you care about, i.e. him, as it’s easy to let it slip and asking how his life is, and that you’d love to catch up with him next summer, if he’s not too busy. A new year message may be less odd than contacting him out of the blue at a random time. Though perhaps a birthday message would also help, if you’ve marked his birthday in the past.

He may be out of touch for all sorts of reasons. It may not be his mental health. He could just be busily wrapped up in a new, exciting world, and not being particularly considerate. He may be doing a lot of drugs. He may be taking time to reflect on, and heal from, trauma in his past, such as his parents being apart. He may be in therapy and that’s why he’s thought back over incidents in his childhood. Or maybe he finds it difficult to be with his mother because she expects him to remain the same as years ago, when he’s changed. Or because he feels her behaviour has damaged him or stresses him in some way (e.g. he may see her as too needy or self-centred).

We all need an anchor. We all eventually start to reevaluate, then appreciate our roots, however painful they may be. I was only reading today about Hollywood star Cary Grant, who literally reinvented himself in the USA, after an impoverished life with his mother in Bristol: “I pretended I was somebody I wanted to be and I finally became that person”. But he eventually valued the mother he’d left behind and saw her regularly once he’d established himself in a new life.

I haven't read the full thread, only OP's posts.
I think it would be a very bad idea for you to write a letter to the son.
It would be an even worse idea to write to his girlfriend or her parents.
There's always a lot of projection on this type of thread and I think we should be open to the possibilities both that your friend has never done anything at all to warrant this or that he does have some genuine grievance.
If after talking to her therapist your friend identifies that she owes him some apologies a heartfelt letter from her may help.
If he's just caried away thinking of his image and has read all the online scripts about estrangement he will construe any contact from his mother as evidence of Narcissism and if you contact him you will be seen as taking on the "flying monkey" role.
The best thing that you can do for your friend is to be patient if she needs to talk about it and involve her in outings and activities to help her build up her own life whether they get back in contact or not.
Any interference will most likely make things worse.
Your friend may be feeling desperate at this stage, discourage her from chasing too hard. A very occasional (?six monthly, birthday and Christmas?) message to say that she often thinks of him and hopes he's well but making no demands would be better.

I agree. I know exactly how you feel. Take care. X

Just to say at the outset that my sympathies will always be with the child in these cases because of my own experiences - and I never did go NC. My mother's closest friends had no idea what she was like. She never so much as laid a hand on us when in company - not that we would have dared to misbehave.

Either way, your friend's son told her the reasons for the strangement, she just won't believe him and the pair of you are choosing to believe something different, probably because that different thing you've made up reflects badly on him, not her.

The letter below to another estranged parent would be far more useful to your friend than anything you might write to her son - from https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html :

"Of course you know why you are cut off.

According to you, your daughter stood in front of you at the baseball game and TOLD you why. I presume she used words you understand in a language you both speak. Thus you DO know.

I can understand you did not like the delivery method. But the delivery method does not affect the MEANING of the words, nor does it invalidate her feelings or opinions. [....]

I can understand that you may not agree with whatever it was she told you is the problem--but again, that does not mean there is no problem. She told you in a language you understand what the problem is, and you understood her meaning. That you disagree with the problem is immaterial. It's still a problem whether you agree with it or not. It will be a problem forever until you deal with it.

Saying, "I don't understand the problem" when you really mean, "I don't agree this is a problem" will not make the problem go away. It will make the person who DOES think it a problem go away [,,,]

If your daughter thinks it's a problem, IT IS A PROBLEM, whether you agree or not. SHEnot youhas the final say on whether she has a problem with you or not. Here again is a power struggle between you: HER: "This is a problem", YOU: "I see no problem". Guess who's going to win this debate? Not you. [....]

This game of 'I don't understand what happened' when you have been told in words what's wrong is really counterproductive. Yes, it permits you to shield your ego/self esteem from criticism and 'exposure' of your inadequacies in the relationship--but it loses you the relationship.

In order to solve the problem, you have to decide what is more important to you: your daughter and grandchildren, or your ego and belief that you are innocent of doing anything but little insignificant wrongs. [...]"

Some people actually want kids so they can abuse them.

I think most people don't start out that way but some do.

Some people want someone to control. Some people actually think they are doing a good job.

Quote from George V, "My father was frightened of his mother; I was frightened of my father, and I am damned well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me".

Keep your beak out OP.

Support your friend but do not meddle with the DS's life, definitely do not contact the GF or her parents! WTF? Contacting any of them could provoke the DS into cutting his DM out of his life forever. For all you know he could be in counselling and may slowly resume a relationship with his DM in time, on his own terms. Your plan to go wading in could torpedo that entirely.

You might think you know the situation but the truth is that you don't. You mean well but you can never know what goes on behind closed doors in someone else's life and family. How many more posters need to say this for you to get that into your head?

You don't seem to realise it but you have a very superficial view of all these people and are being highly judgemental. Mum overweight & lives in a flat, GF & family wealthy, so one must be pitied while the others are doing what? Looking down their surgically altered noses and laughing up their designer sleeves? Your posts suggest to me you don't know any of these people well enough to even comment much let alone involve yourself. It might surprise you that wealthy people aren't all showy and shallow, astonishingly some can have happy well adjusted families and be kindhearted and loving. They can also recognise someone who has trauma and can be welcoming and supportive. So there's that.

As someone who was forced to end contact with my own parents and is now very low contact, I can tell you that ending contact with a parent is a last resort and is a heartbreaking thing for a DC to do. But if your friend's DS has cut his own DM off for the superficial reasons you claim then I have to wonder who has raised him to have such a materialistic attitude, because that kind of thing doesn't come from nowhere. It may indeed have something to do with inherited traits and this young man's DF, maybe not, you only have your friend's version and that can be very unreliable, even downright untrue. Either way it is nothing to do with you and inserting yourself will do more harm than good.

This. Abuse is not only physical. Mothers can be cold, uncaring, emotionally absent, critical, gaslighting narcissists, all while appearing pleasant to the outside world.

Unbelievable! Your level of emotional intelligence is well alone with your subject knowledge.

I can sense why your sibling decided to go NC with you.

Sorry but any letter which is essentially "How could you do this to your poor mother after all she did for you?" is straight out of the Narcissistic Gaslighter's textbook.

She’s not NC with me. Sibling was NC with late parents, not with me. Upthread, I pushed back against the idea that we had different childhoods for the reason that we are close and she would have told me if there was abuse. Since our parents died we are closer than ever.

Wow, everyone would think of my mother as lovely but behind closed doors she was completely different. Up until I was a teenager I would run up and hug her in front of people mainly because I didn't understand that her actions behind closed doors was wrong. I was constantly told by her how awful I was so I would almost beg for love. She would tell everyone around me that I was a liar and fantasist so nothing I ever said was credible. You cannot possibly know what he went through. I am also NC with my mother and I would be furious if someone who was not there seeing the truth tried to tell me I was in the wrong.