How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I found this article interesting

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/09/the-families-torn-apart-when-adult-children-decide-to-go-no-contact

Yup. I agree with this entirely.

Social media has had something to do with the increase in estrangement.
Good old social media again not.

I think it's made people much less tolerant of normal human foibles.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

”At times” doing so much heavy lifting here.

Just to clarify, my friend knows about my intention and would support me writing the letter

Okay. In this case I understand the son going NC. If any parent felt that sending their child’s girlfriend, and her family, a letter about their child, then there is something wrong. That’s not okay. It’s batshit. You don’t go around sending letters to your kids girlfriends/boyfriends AND their parents whinging about your child, saying they are a liar. If they were not no contact before, they rightly should be after that!

A random friend writing to this mans gf and her parents. If this mother was such a lovely person she would have shut this down immediately
You’re friend and you both seem to lack emotional awareness. You both see the DS as a child and not as the man he has become. You see him as playing at being bf to someone who you also see as a child.

Can I ask what writing to his gf’s parents is going to achieve

She is an adult I presume

I think sometimes when people are recounting an incident there is always different opinions about what happened

Don’t just assume that a child is wrong

He has his reasons, he isn't your son and even if he was you'd be out of order, I advise against it, don't go writing letters to these people.

Absolutely do not write to him. You truly don’t know and can’t understand his reasons for this and you could do untold hurt by not knowing the full story.

You can offer support and empathy to your friend and be there for her but you can’t fix this and you might do a lot of damage if you try.

No one is telling you that you should cut them off for that. But your experience with your family is yours alone. Despite what you seem to want to believe, few people are going no-contact because their parents keep asking one question they don't like. They go no-contact because of a pattern of behavior that makes maintaining the relationship a net negative for their well-being. Almost all will try to set other boundaries first, and resort to limiting contact only when those boundaries aren't respected. Sometimes the boundaries are things that in isolation seem small, but the fact that the parent won't respect them despite knowing they're important to their child is in itself a problem. The son in OP's story didn't cut off contact suddenly with no warning or explanation.

You could consider writing to the boy, but not the gf it parents, that would be a disaster. However I would do so with your friends ok and not behind her back.

Ok but we are talking about adults here. If a grown man / woman decides they’re recovering their own mental wellbeing and having a parent who criticised them isn’t good for their recovery, why would they contact children’s services?! It might not even fit in the category of emotional abuse but a parent’s constant criticism might be really harmful for someone’s mental health.
I have no axe to grind here, I am in contact with my parents. I have a difficult relationship with my dad due to his behaviour and I can see exactly why some people need NC to protect their own mental health. My dad was never abusive but his persistent , pervasive knocking of my self confidence really wasn’t a fun way to grow up. It was never even near the level of social care intervention but it doesn’t mean it’s not harmful.

Even if a child did report a parent who was consistently sly undermining them, what do you envisage would happen? It wouldn’t meet the threshold of intervention. The child has clothes, food, a wholesome life and objectively, their emotional needs are being met. I am not talking about parents who scream constant verbal abuse at their children, I am talking about comments and attitudes towards children that are harmful in the long term but not in the category of social care intervention.

Do not write the letter.

The behaviours you mention could come under the new-ish laws about coercive control. I don't know.

It just seems SO WRONG that parents can be horrible to their children and get away with it. 🤬 There should be some kind of channel whereby adult kids can sue or otherwise somehow prosecute horrible parents for the way they treated the child when they were young. I don't know if verbal abuse is part of the laws against child abuse, but it should be.

This is a good website.

https://www.myhorridparent.com/

Why do people who are mean to their kids even have them in the first place? What's the point of having kids if you're just going to be horrible to them? They clearly hate kids, so.....just don't have any?

I cut off my father... A pillar of the community, a pastor, the person who people handed their babies to.

He was warm, charismatic, godly and generous.

I was gossiped about, lectured and judged. People asked me and each other how could I possibly cut off such an amazing father.

You have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors and you never actually know someone even if they are a friend.

I think if your friend is supportive then go for it. Try to be balanced and ask for his version of events though. I wouldn't write to his wife and her family at all. I would advise your friend to keep trying, unless she is secretly batshit crazy.

Does he have ADHD? Look up ADHD and emotional over sensitivity.

I was in my late twenties when I cut my dad off after he kept suing my mother for spousal support when he made more than her, never paid a dime of child support, and he took 100% of the family assets after their divorce.

I gave him a flat ultimatum: stop taking mum to court after having you lost on appeals, or I am out of your life.

I got the same. I got letters even, from his new girlfriend, from his family members, about how cruel I was for going NC on him.

It only hardened my resolve.

What were you thinking of saying?

Everyone I know who wasn't family thought my grandmother was wonderful. She had lots of good qualities too. She did a lot of childcare for my mum. she was a talented seamstress and made me some great costumes when I was a youngster. She had spirit and was always doing things most grandmas didn't. She volunteered a lot, took meals round to neighbours who were new mothers, elderly, sick, etc.. She seemed to know everyone. Her friends talked about her like she was the absolute best person - generous and kind, thoughful, happy and pleasant. But she wasn't. She played her children (and later, her grandchildren) off against each other, wasn't interested in what they liked/wanted unless it was useful to her. Lied about them to others and, while she boasted about them in public, in private nothing was good enough, something else was always better, there was always a reason to moan. I remember not wanting to spend time with her when I was a tween but didn't really understand why until my 20s. I didn't cut her off, but two of her five children did.

I think a letter from a friend sticking up for my gran in some way would have enraged my mum (and she didn't cut my Grandmother off). I can't imagine it would have improved the situation for either siblings who had cut my her off. It's just a continuation of the abuse - she's bad mouthing her children to her friends to try and make herself sound like a brave victim.

I'm not sure what else you could write. You don't have a close relationship with the son, so offering to hear his side will probably sound disingenuous. Did you have something different in mind?

There's some interesting research about this part of what you said: "Does he have ADHD? Look up ADHD and emotional over sensitivity."

I'm with the NO don't write to the gf and her family. A short note to the DS if you must.
Until I joined social media I had never heard of NC. On SM it seems to be every second person.
If my adult children did that to me I would probably wither away and die, or drink myself to death. It is unfathomable to me. And I know some people have awful parents, but also nobody is perfect and parents make mistakes . I still have the guilts over yelling at my oldest when he peed on the floor when he was 4yo. Terrible mothering. He's been a bit of a shit sometimes too as a teenager. We both love each other dearly though and would do anything for each other. It just seems so very sad ( I do understand that some people have truly terrible parents who they don't want to ever see again - but it seems to be a sudden increase)

As well meaning as you are/. You will destroy any chance of reconciliation. Best to leave it alone. Honestly as a child who has no contact. It is horrible. My mother is a true narc that has reported me to child services so many times yet lies about it. It is really evil having a mother like that. Many approach me saying how could you. I literally want my mum but she is just hell bent on revenge. \

I was thinking that. My mum loves when other people get involved in our arguments and the times when I’ve temporarily cut her off. Loves the drama. She’d have probably dragged me on to the Jeremy Kyle show if I’d let her.

Yes, your friend's son might be completely unfair to his mother but you don’t get to be the one to tell him that how he feels is wrong. But this is for your friend to fix herself.

@NoisyDenimShaker, you’ve been quite bullish earlier on in this thread about how people should be “called out” if they dare to cut off their parent(s) for what you consider “no good reason” (i.e. anything that wouldn’t fit a legal definition of abuse). You think this will somehow change people’s minds, or at least shame them in some way as a punishment for what, in your view, is unacceptable behaviour.

Yet whenever anyone has disagreed with you or questioned your methods, you’ve been equally quick to say they’ve insulted you or are being over-sensitive. Can’t you see that, in this scenario, YOU are the one being “called out”? And you REALLY don’t like it.

If you struggle this much with anonymous strangers criticising your behaviour, perhaps you can consider again about how people who’ve made very difficult decisions might feel about random letters arriving from old acquaintances telling them how awful they’ve been - and why those letters might just get chucked in the fire in disgust.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My mother would tell people how horrible it was when I was taken in to hospital by ambulance. How terrible it was for her.

What she didn't tell people was that for hours I had been begging her to call the doctor. I couldn't call myself because I was in so much pain I could not move.

That she had left me in pain to go for an afternoon nap, that she kept telling me to take a paracetamol and go to bed.

It was the first time I remember my dad standing up to her, he came home, I asked him to call the Dr.

The Dr looked at me, asked where the phone was and called for an ambulance.

The ambulance arrived and the paramedics commented on my green colour.

I had jaundice because my gallbladder wasn't working.

Everyone thought she was a wonderful mum.

There were lots of other things, but this is the only time I thought I was actually going to die.