How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I was talking about the hypothetical that you raised - ie IF you had done it for no reason, which clearly isn’t the case. I was saying how harmful cut offs for no reason are. I wasn’t speculating on your actual situation.

Those are LITERALLY directly quoted words from the post I quoted from you. That IS what you said, its there in black and white for everyone to read.

You really are oblivious aren't you. Its quite impressive.

I’m pushing back against insane character assassinations and insults just because I dare disagree with the hive mind on this topic, as I have every right to do. Not that you’d know it on here. Being called out in the spirit of a civilised discussion doesn’t bother me, but that’s not what happens when you go against the hive mind.

Just because NC due to abuse is a poster’s story, doesn’t make it so for all instances. But for some reason, there’s absolutely no room for that possibility in some posters’ minds.

So I disagree with the prevailing view here that cut offs are always, always deserved. They are not all due to abuse. Sometimes someone is just a selfish git.

Its none of your business.
Writing a letter will surely inflame things.

I think we need to stop engaging with people making purposeful inflammatory comments about, and to, abuse victims. Clearly they're getting some kind of kick out of arguing back with everyone. It's quite distressing to keep reading for those of us who have suffered parental abuse.

I honestly couldn’t care less about the character assassinations from those who disagree with me that cut-offs are NOT always deserved.

There are clearly some people on here who HAVE cut off their parents for no good reason, otherwise why would you ride someone so hard for that view? And I only fought back after I was leaped on for that view, and very personal things plus insults were said, not before. So don’t start quoting me out of context.

To those who suffered any form of child abuse, I’m so sorry, and I understand. My opinion that cut offs aren’t always deserved never included your situations, which I hope I’ve been clear about. I wish you much peace and healing.

To the merely selfish, and those who have cut off their parents for trivial reasons, your time would be better served making up with your families instead of having a go at someone who sees your behaviour. Guilt is a terrible thing, and you’ll be really sorry when they’re gone. Call your parents.

I don't think you ever did say why your sibling went NC though?
Other than that she wanted to live her own life. Which is rather a non-answer. Most adult children lead their own lives from their parents but can still have dinner with them once a month/phone them every so often/send Christmas cards etc. So what was the something stopping her leading her own life and staying in touch (however low contact) with your parents?

As you say you are close I am also assuming that you don't think she is a horrible person. So you seemingly have the family situation where your lovely sister decided to have absolutely nothing to do with your equally lovely parents for absolutely no reason other than that she felt like it.

I'm sorry that I do think there is more to it, and your sister is not telling you because she values your current closeness, doesn't want to upset your memories of them and/or is worried about your response.

"I was only reading today about Hollywood star Cary Grant, who literally reinvented himself in the USA, after an impoverished life with his mother in Bristol: “I pretended I was somebody I wanted to be and I finally became that person”. But he eventually valued the mother he’d left behind and saw her regularly once he’d established himself in a new life."

This isn't accurate @EdithBond Cary Grant (Archie Leach) was told as a young child that his mother was dead when in fact his father had had her committed to a mental institution. When as an adult (and movie star) he discovered this was a lie, he travelled to see her in Bristol, arranged for her to be discharged into his care and looked after her for the rest of her life.

He did indeed transform himself after a very unhappy childhood, but going NC was not what he did to his mother.

ETA he was initially told she had abandoned him, but was then told she'd died. All this certainly lead to lifelong issues, understandably enough, and would certainly be regarded as an abusive childhood today.

Don't interfere.

I didnt speak to my mother for a while.

My aunt intervened on my mother's behalf. She had only heard my mothers side of the story so she spoke to me very aggressively.

She said to me "you should be ashamed of yourself, upsetting your poor mother".

My aunts message made me even more annoyed and it made the situation worse.

I said to my aunt "you shouldn't have got involved". We all ended up arguing more. And later on she even said that she shouldn't have gotten involved. He won't appreciate you contacting him

I'm not sure about motives, nor the rights and wrongs (imagined or otherwise) that have led to this point. But I am very sure that his mum's close friend writing him a letter will do absolutely nothing to resolve the situation, indeed it may push him further away.

Honestly, as painful as it is, your friend must leave the door open, continue to send birthday cards so he knows she hasn't completely given up and he still has a way back to her if he chooses. She can write occasional notes if she likes, to say her door is open and she hopes that one day he'll come back. But if some parental alienation has happened, if there are mental health issues involved, there is very little else your friend can do except be patient and keep trying. Herself. Not through you.

I love my sister dearly but I’m not blind to her flaws. She’s always been pretty selfish and has had no trouble putting herself first in all things. She has many good points too, and unlike some, I don’t cut my family off for trivial reasons or because they’re not perfect. Our parents could be annoying, like going on about how useful a porch would be on her house, but it wasn’t cut-off territory. She just didn’t want to deal with them and their little ways and foibles. I should clarify that it was very low-contact, not none. But since she has the grandchildren, it hurt them a lot. They saw them for maybe one weekend a year.

Some time after my mum died, my dad got himself a companion, another elderly widow. They didn’t live together, they just spent a few days a week together. Sister was incensed that he had female company and caused all sorts of problems. She hated the poor old woman, who was 86, with a passion.

My lived experience is that sometimes these painful situations are undeserved.

I think that people can experience the same thing but view it very differently. When I speak with my brother about our childhood he found certain things very difficult and painful whereas I wouldn't view it that way at all. Neither of us are wrong or right, we feel how we feel. Your saying her son is lying but he may just be relaying how he felt. I don't think it's wise to get involved in a situation that has already escalated.

I also think that some adults think about what they go through.

And they don't think of a child as human with any feelings really. They don't think about what the child feels.

My mother severely emotionally and verbally abused my brother when he was a child .

He now won't speak to her. She said to me "I don't know why he won't speak to me, I didn't do anything to him"

She doesn't even think that she did anything.

But I remember all the times she screamed at him. He remembers too

I can understand you being hurt on behalf of your friend but absolutely do NOT contact him, and certainly not his girlfriend or her parents. That is not just stepping over the line, it is jumping wildly over it.
There is always 2 sides to a story, always, whilst you may be a close friend you didn't live with them or see them 24/7.
The best thing you can do is support your friend, but it is not your place to try and set records - of which you only have your friends version & your opinions - straight.

I can't quite work out if the OP is the mother in question, or doing research for a book/magazine.

Far too involved either way.

The first example in this article is a mother who kept saying racist things in front of her grandchild and her husband then stuck up for her by sending his son a white supremacist video. Another is about a woman who cut contact with her heavy drinker parents, one of whom verbally abused a small child at a funeral.

I have no idea how you think this is about "good caring families" and not just about more people cutting contact for good reasons.

I would not write to the girlfriend or her family at all, and I wouldn't write anything specific to the son about when he had a fracture as a child or anything.

What you could do is send a card saying that you're thinking of him, you hope he's OK and that you're currently supporting his mother because she misses him. I really wouldn't write much more than that.

It is possible that he's suffering with his mental health and that could be clouding his judgment, but it's really not your place to tell him about his own childhood.

Bloody clueless.

I've cut off many people in my life, including my parents. It has never once been for mental health issues unless they were the cause of said mental health issues.

Maybe something to consider.

Many cut-offs are due to abuse.

Some aren't.

I cannot understand what is so unacceptable about that viewpoint.

Recommending an article to an adult, once, is not child abuse.

You could say that character assassination for that one recommendation is abusive. Hurt people hurt people, I guess.

Because its offensive that you lump survivors of parental abuse in with people who are "selfish" and use the same sort of bullshit language about regret etc that abusers and their flying monkeys do.
I am not going to engage with you any further on here as I find it too triggering but perhaps you might want to consider how hard it is to cut off a parent and what led to that point before you ponificate about something you clearly haven't been through and know nothing about.

It isn't unacceptable at all. You are of course entitled to your opinion. But you're like a dog with a bone about it! Look back at the thread – so many pages are mostly filled with your comments arguing with people who've dared to share the opposing view or who are sharing that they've cut off their parents for abuse. Your tone is coming across as disparaging and dismissive when I don't imagine you mean it to be either.

This! You said it better than I did.

I was thinking that a few months ago, that the UK seems to have a massive problem with child abuse, and it made me feel that I really couldn't be proud of my own country. There was the Rotherham scandal, which went on for decades and affected children in four-figure numbers. Then there have been many, many other such rings in other UK cities. Then we had figures such as Gary Glitter, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, and lately Philip Schofield, Prince Andrew, and Huw Edwards.

America doesn't seem to have this problem with SO MUCH child abuse. I know it happens over there, but compare the scale of it over here to our small size. The things I listed above add up to a truly insane amount of abuse for such a small island. I think the law needs to be a LOT stronger and the bar much lower for conviction. I also think that adult victims should have an avenue to bring historic charges not just for child sex abuse but any kind of abusive behaviour towards children, like frequent undeserved criticism, insults, yelling.

I think Childline should be advertised more. In my youth, we were all really aware of it, because of Esther Rantzen. But it doesn't seem to have such a high profile anymore. I suspect that many children who need it don't know about it. If they don't already advertise on children's TV they should, and the government should pay for it.

That's truly depressing about children being born for benefits, but it does go some way to explaining why there are so many victims of child abuse. 😭