How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

And you're being cruel saying that to an abuse victim.

I did NOT say she should read the article. I thought it was an unusual take on that situation and therefore interesting.

I'm talking about the article.

What do you hope to achieve writing these letters? What good do you think it’ll do? Because I can tell you now, it will do no good.

I’m NC with a parent. Everyone on the outside thinks they are charming. They are not. I sucked it up for a number of years. I was trying to please. Then one day I woke up and said to myself, nope, not anymore and that was that.

Also, a long time ago, I fell out with my MIL. We didn’t speak for quite some time. During that time I received a letter from her best friend. I didn’t even read it, it was none of her business. I just threw it away and ignored it.

As for sending letters to his girlfriend’s parents, are you mad? I assume you don’t even know them. You would come across as a crazy person!

But you keep pushing it at her! And now you've called her over sensitive for being triggered by it. Please, back off her.

Thank you!

You're being disingenuous now.

You've only heard one side so, whether you like it or not, your view is biased. As such, contacting the son will only confirm anything he already feels.
You weren't in his childhood and can't possibly know what went on, or how it was for him.
Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would interference from an outsider really help matters? I think not.
Your friend should be the one picking up the phone, visiting, writing letters. Wanting you to do this for her tells me a lot about her.

I am NOT pushing it. I'm stating my reasons for having recommended it, because everyone's leaping all over me for having DARED mention it. I stand by my view that it's an interesting and unusual take on the situation, and I remember being struck by the fact she found it healing. I thought it might be of interest.

As you'll observe. I haven't linked it.

It was a mere suggestion to read it. That's it, just a suggestion.

Back off her indeed. Why don't you back off ME? I have my own traumas, not that I'm going to mention them on here.

I am not. When I said she was being over-sensitive, I was referring to her reaction about the article. What did you think I meant?

I knew exactly what you meant. If you can't see why that poster reacted as she did to you pushing that article at her and why calling her over sensitive because of her reaction was cruel, then I honestly don't know what else to say. Except definitely do some more introspection on boundaries, because you suck at them.

That is not what's generally understood by boundaries.

I didn't push it at her! I mentioned it! That's all! Once! My other mentions were defending myself. I didn't link it or tell her that she simply MUST read it!

The reactions to a mere mention of what I thought was a thought-provoking and unusual article on this topic are WAY overboard. I mentioned it to the poster in question ONCE and at no time did I push it at her by telling her she should read it, she must read it, it would be good for her to read it, to read it and get back to me, to tell her that I think another viewpoint would be good. I did NOTHING of the sort.

I mentioned it, she wasn't interested, so I accepted that and didn't link it.

No need for a shower of insults.

If someone insults me twice for merely mentioning an article to them, once, then yes, I am going to call them over-sensitive.

Please do not write this letter. Respectfully her son’s choice is none of your business. I am low contact with my own abusive mother and absolutely no one outwith our family would believe me or my siblings, if we told them how we were treated. If I received a letter like that I would be absolutely livid. And I can tell you it’s something my mother would encourage.

OP - I don't speak to my father.

If I received a letter from one of his friends, I'd suppose that the friend meant well but was completely naive and in the dark about my father's real behaviour.

And, so I'd ignore it. I don't want to argue with anyone.

I don't know how you'd prove it. How do coercive control laws work? Isn't it usually one person's word, since most abuse takes place behind closed doors?

I'm sorry your childhood was so terrible. 😢😢😢

Also, I'm very sorry your school didn't pick up that there was a safeguarding issue when you mother tried to deny you qualifications. I like to think it would have been picked up these days, in these more enlightened times.

This. You have no idea what their relationship was really like. I say this as the daughter of a narcissist who ruined the lives of her husband and both daughters. I went NC with her about 4 years before she died. Leave well alone.

You have got no right whatsoever OP to get in contact with this man.

You did not live his childhood or his experiences. If he has cut contact that’s his choice and it’s not your place to intervene. You only know half the story and just because it’s your friend it does not always mean it’s the true half.

Blokes are gonna bloke. His mum is now surplus to requirements, and hampering his cool new life. He's doing the Script on her to justify his appalling behaviour. I feel very sad for your friend.

All the same, I think you should stay out of it and just support her in the background.

I agree. People go NC these days for the flimsiest of reasons. (Abuse is a good reason though.)

I think this is the most likely scenario.

Don't write a letter! Jeez!!!

...her friends and some family would tell you what an amazing sister she was and how close we were growing up.
I'd tell you a different story? Not one that is too far away from hers but with a lot of my own feelings and how her behaviour has impacted my life, behaviour others would see as a loving sister.

This is really confusing. You write that she'd say she was an amazing sister, and the story you'd tell wouldn't be too far from hers, and others would see her behaviour as loving, so....why'd you cut her off?

It's hardly a tragedy, just parents being parents. My point is that I would never have cut off my parents just for being PITAses about kids. It didn't negate their many good points or everything they'd done for me.