How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I don't understand your question. Why are you implying I hurt my parents "so badly"? Do you have a knowledge about my life I have missed myself? In the life of mine that I have known, the only ones severely hurt were myself and my sister, by my parents.

I'm not interested in that article, I have zero intent to care for my mum and have no idea why you feel the need to be so invested in total strangers in the internet and whether or not they are going to care for their parents. I can't imagine how invested you will be with people you know in person, but I'm glad I don't know you. You sound insufferably judgmental and patronising.

I've copied and paste your quote so can't be wrong. Ok, I hear your elucidation. Can you reference a source of statistics, please, that domestic maternal abusers are less likely be a reason for children to go NC?

Comparison of convicted abusers to domestic abusers data is radically incorrect. You can't compare pears and apples, warm and blue

Read what I wrote. I said that I'm not saying that the poster should do this, but just that it's food for thought because that journalist found it was a path to healing.

Just trying to think if I trample over boundaries...I mean, I'm single with no kids, so I don't have a lot of commitments or opportunities to trample boundaries as you don't really have people setting them with you when you don't have close family (my parents are dead.)...I do sometimes text friends and family too much. I have a friend who tells me when I'm talking about things too much, and I like that because I'd prefer to know, so I change the subject. I never ask about my nieces and nephews romantic lives as I don't want to be intrusive. But perhaps I trample boundaries without realising it. I wouldn't do it on purpose.

My mother would drag me by the hair along the floor, punch and bite me, spit on me and tell me I was the devil's spawn and she wished I hadn't been born. On a weekly basis. Among many other things. Between the ages of 8 and 16, until I told her I would kill her if she ever touched me again. I meant it in that moment. And hallelujah she stopped. She was incredibly cruel but outsiders don't have the foggiest. Good enough for you to have cut contact? Use your imagination, it's not been a rosy childhood for all of us.

You don't know what went on behind closed doors.

To my mums friends and later many boyfriends I was this horrendous child, teenager who she tried her best with, poor her etc etc. She had a respectable job worked in education. In times of 100% mortgages so had a middle class semi in nice area.

Behind closed doors I was abused and neglected. Dealt with her being drunk, cleaning up vomit and mixing pills and co-ordinating with hospital for overdoses. I was the scapegoat to everyone. She even had me feeling sorry for her that I tried to help her. I tried to please her. I wanted her to love me. But she hated me and always has.

Her friends felt so strongly they would try and "help her" by taking me aside and giving me a "talking to". Either threatening or appealing to me to not give my mum such a hard time, she deserved better treatment from me etc. Apparently she did everything for me and I was incredibly ungrateful.

So you don't know what has went on. But my mum has told anyone who will listen that I am a terrible human being, because she seeks sympathy from people. She feeds off sympathy from people.

Maybe what you think is right but maybe it's not.

People think my mum and dad are lovely people. But they were both child abusers.

I'd not say anything at all, you know nothing that went on, nor full details of a young man who you saw once a year growing up.

For all you know, your friend is a master manipulator. She might not be, but you don't know.

It seems that mums and dads commit emotional child abuse at the same rate, according to a link another poster posted.

Quite.

I'm 50.

My mother is in her 70s.

I will not be caring for her either.

That isn't trampling boundaries, that's out-and-out child abuse. What your mother did is criminal. 😢

I mean yes, obviously boundaries were crossed, but usually when someone talks about boundaries it means someone pushing you to talk about things you'd rather not, turning up late when you've told someone that punctuality is important. That kind of thing.

This thread is not attempting to push anyone into family estrangement. The reverse is true. Much of the advice given upthread warns that a good way to help bring about that undesirable end result on a permanent, insurmountable basis is to write that letter.

Thankfully the OP has seen the sense in this advice. She no longer intends to write it.

Your own advice accords with the majority consensus of this thread: you need to stay away from this toxic hellscape on this issue. You're saying exactly what the vast majority of other posters have said.

And 'narcissism' is a word bandied around far too liberally. If every second person is apparently a narcissist, then every third person for some reason believes they are competent to diagnose them. No one would guess, on reading all the armchair diagnostics on the www, that this is an exceptionally rare condition.

Fine, it was just a suggestion because a journalist had written about how she'd found it healing. No need to fling insults and get all bent out of shape. Jesus.

No. That's what you think people mean when they talk about boundaries.

For those of us who have experienced abuse, boundaries are about keeping ourselves safe. Physically and emotionally.

OP, don’t take this the wrong way, but you only know your friend as a friend-and you only know one side of the story, hers.
It’s also really not your place to write to him.
It’s a terrible idea and could well result in you losing an apparently very dear friend. I’d stay well away.
Good intentions are all well and good, until it goes horribly wrong

I'm glad to see you're doing some introspection about boundaries. I think you need to. Yes, you did say "I'm not saying that poster should do this etc" but you were still blithely ignoring the fact she'd clearly stated she wouldn't be caring for her mum. Instead of respecting that, you decided she should read the article regardless – that is the very definition of ignoring someone's boundary.

Why are you reacting so strongly? I read an article where someone found it healing. No one's going to make you read it. It was just a thought, because healing sounds like a good thing. I thought you might be interested to read it and see how someone else handled a similar situation, not that you should care for your parent. No need for all the insults.

So what you stated as being statistics was in fact a hearsay, your opinion? Interesting

OK, I'll show you exactly how to go no-contact with a person who is not contributing anything useful to your life and it's being disrespectful. It's very healthy and freeing, and makes you happier in life.

Just watch me from now on 😁

I didn't say she should read the article regardless. I said that the writer had found it healing and that I would see if I could find it. Thought she might find it of interest. I didn't tell her that she absolutely must read this article.

Not really. You can adore your children while also abusing them

I have worked with many many abusive parents. The vast majority adore their children and don't want them removed from their custody. But they also can treat them incredibly inhumanely.

I.once worked with a man that murdered his wife. He adored her.

People really can and do hurt the people they love and adore.

You're way over-sensitive.

That's not love.

Because you read that the poster had found her own healing and decided that they should be offered the opportunity to read about a better version of it (that oddly enough, accords with your views).

More the fact that men commit serious crimes at a much higher rate than women do, as borne out by prison stats, and that I've never met a woman who doesn't adore her children.

Lordy, read the room! She's the victim of childhood abuse. She's tried/trying to heal herself by going no contact with her abusers. You're now trying to impose your will on her by telling her she should read an article where someone did the opposite. This after you've stated elsewhere on the thread that you don't approve in general of adult children going no contact with their parents. Can't you see how pushing the article's "merits" could be triggering for her?

My views are that no one should be in contact with someone who abused them as a child. I've said that numerous times on this thread.

I thought the article was an unusual and interesting take on someone who had dealt with that situation in an uncommon way.