How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I think social services are interested in the emotional abuse of children, no? The link that another poster just put up from the NSPCC takes its stats for the emotional abuse of children from social services. Maybe it's not technically a crime (it should be!) but it's a safeguarding issue.

Yeah I tried to explain once to a family member what impact my mother had on me and they kept saying “but what about your dad” (who was a neglectful alcoholic. They kept trying to find reasons why it was my (shit) dads fault because women aren’t horrible to their children.

I think it’s because we are conditioned to believe (or want to believe) that mothers always love their children whereas the evidence says they clearly don’t.

Just because she is his parent, doesn't mean he has any moral obligation to have a relationship with her.

How selfish. A woman grows and gives birth to a child. She brings it up and gives it love and attention. She does her best and makes sacrifices also.
It's her Pride and joy .
The adult child just cuts her off. Have they any idea how that could break her heart.
Would they like it done to them.
I would never have been prepared to do that to my parents.
You could give a parent a nervous breakdown doing that.
Shocking remark.
Respect today has gone out the window and selfishness is at all time high.

It's usually the fault of the nearest available woman. I find it spectacularly unsurprising that the 'rich girlfriend' has been cited here. That one's straight out of the playbook.

Also The Script is being read to the point of the 'no idea why I've been cut off' schtik. It's happened 'for no good reason'. They always say that. Always.

That is irrelevant, because it is not what the OP's premise is here.

But just to entertain you I will reply in general: a parent who has been neglectful in the care of their children does not automatically deserve or is entitled to be cared in their old/disabled age by them. And the only one who has the right to decide this is the child. I have no plans to care for my mum. My dad is dead so I won't have to decide for him, but I equally would not care for him if he was alive and needed care. They were shit parents and I feel no obligation towards another of them. Their friends would probably think i am heartless and selfish, of course, because they will only have my mum's version of events, which is completely deluded. But considering my m,um never once hugged me or told me she loved me, and spent her whole life criticising me and being nasty and unloving to me, she can make her own arrangements for her old age.

Ideally your children should actually want to see you and speak to you. If you have to manipulate them with “you are selfish” then your relationship is shit. It takes a lot for a child to go NC, it’s not an easy choice.

What if the mother had been emotionally abusing her child for decades? Should he still be showing her respect then?

Nothing to do with you. Unless by "friend" you actually are talking about yourself.

You wrote "Just because she is his parent, doesn't mean he has any moral obligation to have a relationship with her."

Do you feel the same the other way round? i.e. Do you think a parent has no moral obligation to have a relationship with their child once they have turned 18?

Flip it:
"Just because she is his adult child, doesn't mean he has any moral obligation to have a relationship with her."

Doesn't that sound weird, cold, and robotic?

...and yes, my boundaries are absolutely precious and crucial to me not only with family members, but with anyone who wants to be part of my life. If you're happy for others to trample on yours, then you're welcome to take care of my mum in her old age and enjoy her trampling all over them (she will, very enthusiastically). I had enough of that when I was a child and have no intention to put up with it as an adult. My life is also immemnsely happier as a result of it.

I'm sorry your parents were so shit. 😢

I once read an article by someone in your shoes, and they decided they would care for their nasty elderly parent, despite it all. They found some peace in doing so and IIRC found that it helped close the circle somewhat. I'll see if I can find it. I'm not saying you should do that, I'm just saying it's food for thought.

Haven’t rtwt, however just a couple of thoughts - it’s common for adults to understand childhood experiences in a different light and that can often mean someone who was a close, loving child can then feel very angry or distant from a parent.

also- please do not assert that ‘false memories’ is a legitimate psychological process. It’s not. The misinformation about ‘false memories’ has been used against so many survivors of abuse. It can be very damaging to hear this phrase if some has had this used against them.

It’s not the same, the moral obligation is created from parent to child when you choose to create a new humanbeing. I think it’s my moral obligation to house, feed, clothe and educate my child. Her obligation to me isn’t to feed, house, clothe and educate me. To expect her to have exactly the same obligations would sound weird wouldn’t it?

In reality for those of us who've had to go NC with our parents, it's extremely common for that to be triggered by getting into a first really healthy relationship (and also on becoming a parent). It's an "oh fuck" moment when you actually experience that sort of love for the first time, well into adulthood. I'm not surprised at all that the OP's friend's son has gone NC just after getting a new girlfriend.

Yup happened to me when I had DC, I realised how awful it actually was and how I couldn’t do that to another person let alone my vulnerable little child who needed me to love her first and foremost.

And?

Its still ultimately his choice to make.

You are regarding him as a child who should be told what to do.

He's 30 fgs.

He may well have a point - you have no idea what really went on behind closed doors.

@NoisyDenimShaker I do mean my first sentence but I don't mean just go about calling unsuspecting people cunts but sometimes people deserve it (not saying you did btw just saying that I think people can say what they like)

I can honestly say that my daughter wouldn't give a shit about being called a cunt and wouldn't cry about it, she would tell them to fuck right off because I have actually brought her up to take no shit from anyone and if she sees someone being bullied she has no problem in telling the bully to fuck off either, she can't stand bullies and will stick up for anyone going through that.

I cut my sister off, she would tell you how hard done by she is which I know is her genuine feelings, her friends and some family would tell you what an amazing sister she was and how close we were growing up.

I'd tell you a different story? Not one that is too far away from hers but with a lot of my own feelings and how her behaviour has impacted my life, behaviour others would see as a loving sister.

If someone wrote me a letter on her behalf or got invovled I would be beyond mad, furious that they (and my sister) think that they've got any right to tell me how I should feel about the situation. Furious that they would be suggesting mental health issues as if I wasn't capable in making a decision in sound mind.

A previous poster said you can't make it any worse by sending it, believe me, you definitely could do.

In my opinion you need to support your friend and accept that her son is a grown adult and for whatever reason has made a decision that he's entitled to make as sad as it may be. It isn't your place to tell him his memories/feelings are wrong, it's completely out of order.

Yes, my parents were massively annoying about kids when I got married, but they still had all their good points and they had still given me a good upbringing. They got more annoying in their old age and would have laughed me out of the room if I'd tried to have a boundary talk with them, but they were still my parents and I still loved them.

What kind of boundaries did yours trample? I just can't imagine what kind of boundaries mine would have had to bust for me to cut contact, and I can't think of anything. I just don't think that boundaries are a justification for hurting your parents so badly.

So true, that's what triggered mine, just the realisation that it wasn't normal and I don't have to put up with that bullshit.

How would you prove it?

When I was 10, my mother dialled 999 and told thm I was 'brandishing a screwdriver" at them. I was old enough to be arrested. She hung up. She picked up the phone to call someone else and was still connected. She had to tell them I wasn't a risk.

She locked me in the back garden barefoot wearing only a nightie when I was a child. In the dark. In the snow.

That's two things. I have hundreds.

Going to school to tell them I shouldn't be allowed to do GCSEs, A Levels or go to university because I needed to focus in getting married and having children. Fortunately, school didn't agree.

Whilst simultaneously telling me I was to ugly to be loved and no one would ever want me.

I escaped an attempted rape as a teen. She told me it was my own fault for going out.

There's no evidence of any of this. How would I prove it?

When someone has made you feel utterly worthless your whole life, why would you think anyone would care?

Seriously?! The poster has said she's no intention of caring for her mum and your answer is to find an article to persuade/guilt trip her into changing her mind? Now I get why you mock boundaries, calling them "precious" – you're the kind of person who tramples them without a thought. You've just proved it!

First and foremost, parent and child relationships (even when grown) are not symmetrical. Absent cases of rape, parents make the choice to become parents (including the choice of who the other parent is) and then spend close to two decades with immense power over their children. Children do not get a say in any of this. So no, children and parents do not have the same obligations towards each other.

But even accepting that, parents absolutely have a right to distance themselves from adult children who are harming them in some way.

People who go low or no-contact or set other boundaries as a condition of continued contact do so for themselves. It is a way people protect themselves and look after their own wellbeing. Narcisistic and abusive people usually frame this act of boundary-setting as an offense against them - it is something cruel that the child (or relative or friend) has done to them to hurt or embarrass them. They frame it this way because they see the world as revolving around themselves and see their feelings and wants as primary and right. The other person's feelings and desire to protect themselves are dismissed as unimportant or invalid.

And while the parent chose to create a new human being, the parent also chose to do all those things for the child and bring them up, when they could have given them up for adoption. So I think adult children DO have a moral obligation to have a relationship with their parents, where there's no abuse and the parent has done their best by them.

No, you are the one who sounds silly, the pp provided their thoughts about how people change if they gain success, with examples. Can you not understand that people change?