How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I can't believe you think that mums abuse at the same rate as dads. That is simply not true.

NoisyDenimShaker
you are either in denial or really haven’t got a clue. I get the impression it’s the former.

The last piece of training that I had on child abuse was that the split was 50/50 just that the abuse between males and females was different.

In an ideal world, yes. Unfortunately, given how few present-day abuse cases make it to court, there's little hope of an historic case of CC being investigated.

But they shouldn't have to go to the police full stop to legitimise their reasons for going no contact, if that's what you're implying.

That's terrible. Just terrible. I'm sorry. 😢

I think it's more heard of and understood these days.

I had no idea that people cut off their parents.

As I've said, I didn't go nc until my mother's behaviour brought the police and SS to our door.

I have the paperwork that states that, should the LA become aware that I had continued contact with my mother, a S47 Enquiry would have been opened and I would have potentially faced losing my children.

And, tbh, they would have been right to do so if I'd continued contact.

My children are both adults now. I'm still not legally allowed to tell them why we have no contact. So I haven't.

In fact, I can't tell anyone. No one knows the truth except for me and my exh.

I know what my mother tells people though. She can say what she likes. And I know she has done over the years.

No, not implying that. Just saying that reporting him now might give him a well-deserved jolt, if an officer was to go and interview him.

Ha! My parents MERRILY trampled all over my boundaries! Kept going on about me having kids. It was maddening, but I would never, ever have cut them off over it. I can't imagine doing anything so spiteful and cruel just because they wouldn't shut up about kids.

How come you're not allowed to tell anyone? That's wild!

From an adult that has cut ties with both parents, adult children don't take that decision lightly. You are of course on your friend's side, but you will never know every single details of what has happened in their/his life and how that has made him feel.

I think it's very inappropriate suggest that they must be depressed to cut contact. Just because she is his parent, doesn't mean he has any moral obligation to have a relationship with her.

Don't write a letter and keep your self out of it. If someone wrote me a letter it would solidify my reasons for cutting contact. You can be there for your friend whilst also supporting her to accept her son's wishes.

Actually, it appears it is true. I've just done a quick Google and found this report from the ONS, with the most up-to-date stats. In cases of child emotional abuse, five in 10 were abused by their mothers, four in ten were abused by their fathers. It's the second main point of the report.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/childemotionalabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2019

I don’t think it’s relevant to the discussion though, unless it’s being used as a tactic for convincing some of us who’ve disowned our mothers that we must’ve been wrong and they must’ve been wonderful all along. Y’know, cos it’s “rare” by comparison to male abusers.

That's a horrific list of abuse, and surely it comes under the coercive control laws? Could the victim not press charges? I admit I don't know if there's a time limit on these things, but it appears that coercive control laws are made for this sort of thing.

Not rtft so I don't know how many responses you've had from people who have cut contact. This is not my mother but my aunt who was basically my mother throughout childhood. I have cut contact due to gaslighting and putting me in abhorrent situations that I can't really explain without a full back story. From the outside and to the rest of my family, she has done nothing wrong but she has hurt me deeply and ruined my self esteem. I've only cut her off 20 years later in my 30s when I learnt to set boundaries.
You have no idea what has gone on in their relationship and sending a letter would only aggravate whatever her son is feeling as he would probably think its driven by his mum. He will contact her in his own time if it's for a superficial reason.

I'm sorry to hear that your parents treated you that way. Perhaps that poor example explains some of your apparent struggle to value to feelings and perspectives of others and understand the importance of boundaries in relationships.

You say he has orthorexia, so he has an issue apart from going NC with his family.

If you want to try and contact him as you've known him all his life, that's okay perhaps. But don't try to interfere with the mother and son relationship.

OP I would look at how your friend affects you or frames thing generally. She may genuinely be a good person but her being happy for you to send a letter smacks of a manipulator to me.

I think people don’t understand how good other people are at manipulating, people around them genuinely never see it. There are countless stories on this thread of people being abused by parents who presented a very different face to the world. we think they are movie like villains but they get away with awful shit exactly because they are very good at hiding what they actually are.

You sound way too invested in this scenario
Are you doing this for her or for yourself to be the 'hero' if they were to reconcile?
You also seem very hung up on the girlfriends wealthy family
If you're looking for drama go and watch a film and put away the 'Psychology for Beginners Book'
Your friend has got you wrapped around her little finger and us egging you on as she doesn't want to take full responsibility if the shit hits the fan. And it will. He's 30 years old, regardless of any illness he's suffering from he needs to be left alone as that is the choice he has made

I stand corrected.

That is horrifying. It appears to me that the vast majority of women absolutely adore their children, but this stat means that a significant proportion of them must be faking it. 😢

People don’t press charges in the U.K. The CPS makes a decision if a prosecution goes ahead or not.
Coercive control is extremely hard to secure a conviction for, and historic ones? I’m not sure you’d even get as far as an alleged perpetrator visiting a police station.

That’s not to mention the fact many people do not want their abusers to face justice, they want to move on with their lives.

There is also the fact that you can have a bad parent but it’s not criminal activity. A parent might make sure their child has everything they need and their life looks good but the parent makes constant digs about their weight and the child develops anorexia. That’s not criminal but it’s something that might make them feel shit to the point they don’t want that person in their life.

Sadly nothing you can do. But it’s extremely tragic that cutting off your parents has become de rigeur with the young now. Of course sometimes there are extreme circumstances where it’s warranted. But often these days it’s the equivalent of ‘leave the bastard’ at the mildest slight. Egged on by ghoulish Instagram and TikTok ‘influencers’

Anyone who cheers this may do well to consider that no parent is perfect, and that your own children may fall prey to the same ‘ditch the people who gave you life’ trend

My dh has cut off contact with his parents. His mother is a narcissist and his father enables his behaviour. I'm sure all her friends think that he is dreadful for doing this, although to be honest I'm sure they blame me as it's easier.
If you met them you would think that they are lovely and would I'm sure wonder why on earth my husband works behave this way.
It's taken years of counselling and being on anti depressants for him to be brave enough to go no contact. His parents have always gaslit him, made him and his siblings compete for their attention, and emotionally blackmailed us at every opportunity.
The whole story is long and I won't bore you with it but I'm sure they are telling their friends similar sob story.
My husband is happier now than he has ever been at the age of 52. They have made no effort to contact our 2 children for the last 5 years (they're 20 and 18) and again I'm sure they are blaming me or my husband for this. They live 20 minutes from us and my kids have their own cars so I'm not sure why they've not invited them round. Anyway, their loss not ours!

"Appears" being the key word. You cannot judge only on what you witness or what you've been told, because it may be a very different story behind closed doors.

Apologies for the grammatical mistakes and typos, hopefully you get the gist.

GDPR.

Because some people go nc for serious reasons. But as far as everyone I know is concerned, we just didn't get on and went our separate ways.

The point is that reasons for going no contact are usually long standing and complex.