How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

Neither does anyone else here, and yet many are convinced it's the mum's fault.

I also agree. My parents weren't perfect but I never thought of abandoning them.
I think it's become more of a thing these days.
Families are very tricky though.

Stay out of it. You only have one side of the story. I'm no contact with my mother and I'm sure she would tell you I have MH problems etc. She's always been manipulative and unable to take any responsibility for her actions. Ultimately I'm far happier without her in my life.

All children love their parents. It’s a survival mechanism. That’s why it can take a very long time to became aware, sometimes people only find the language as they leave the family home and encounter healthy relationships for the first time. This is even more powerful when they have children, that’s when the real pain starts, at every stage of development of the child.

No! I mean once he was older.

"Trend" implies frivolity. There's nothing frivolous about deciding to cut off an abusive parent. And yes, the abuse can be "just" emotional. Trampling over boundaries in a way that damages a person's mental health is more than enough grounds for an estrangement. And just because someone gives birth to you and is named on your birth certificate as your parent doesn't mean you are beholden to them. We are not our parents' property.

He should have reported his dad to the police for wife and child abuse

I reported my parents’ alcoholism and abuse to a trusted teacher. She laughed and told me to stop being silly and making things up.

I don’t think some people understand how easy it is for parents to conceal what’s happening in their homes.

It's because of irritating things like not respecting boundaries, which are massively annoying but not a reason to dump someone, imo.

This is just a laughably dense statement. Absolutely no one should be listening to a single word you have to say about relationships if you think that persistent refusal to respect boundaries is a mere annoyance.

People who continually trample over boundaries despite repeated requests do so because they don't respect the boundary setter. It's a form of control and a way people tell you that your feelings and wishes are unimportant to them. The message, sent over and over and over, is "I'll treat you how I see fit, you don't get a choice." It's not loving, it's not respectful, and it is not a mere annoyance.

So many comments assuming the son is justified. Honestly it’s just as likely that he’s just a complete narcissist or has mental health issues. There are just as many very loving caring parents who have been bewildered at what their child has become as there are children who struggled through childhood with their parents.
either way though op you writing a letter is a terrible idea and will achieve nothing positive with him.

I wish I had as much faith in this country’s justice system and how it treats abusers, and how it treats abuse victims.

No! I mean once he was older.
so, as an example, a 40 year old walking into a police station and explaining that as a child their father would call them names, humiliate them, threaten them with murder, manipulate then and triangulate him against his siblings?
and then what?

Spot on. Repeatedly ignoring boundaries is a form of control.

You know your friend as your friend, but you don't know her as a mother, and your impression of what a great mother she was are biased. Whenever a child goes no-contact with a prent, there are deep-seated reasons that other people external to that exclusive parent-child relationship are not informed about.

Please do not interfere. Support your friend as a friend.

You say: maternal abusers are rarer than paternal abusers.

We say: And? What’s your point?

You say: Selfish humans are way more common than bad mums! Because humans are very very VERY selfish and terrible!

We say: Aren’t mums human? So capable of being… selfish and terrible?

You say: No, they’re much rarer than paternal abusers!

We say: nothing, as we’ve passed out from thumping our heads on a desk.

Thank you @EUmumforever - you get it completely. It’s fantastical to act like this would have been possible and imply my husband was at fault somehow for not doing this.

People do not go no contact for no reason. It takes time to get to that stage. Respect his boundaries - they are in place for reasons you know nothing about. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

You don't "abandon" a perfectly functional adult. It's not a dog, a child or a disabled dependant person.

No one is owed a relationship, regardless of genetics.

If you had done it for no reason, I don't entirely agree that it's nobody else's business. When someone is deeply and unfairly hurt, they lean on others, and then it becomes said others' business. They're the ones having to listen to it and provide comfort, after all! Deeply hurtful behaviour is a net negative for society. We are all interconnected, and the less of such behaviour, the better. To give an example of a social net negative, a married couple might feel quite differently about an adult child going NC, and the result is marital strain. Strained marriages are a negative for society. Maybe these things should be private, and are no one else's business, but people do talk, especially when they're hurt.

Sorry your dad was an A-hole.

Police don’t investigate historic abuse unless it’s sexual. There would be literally no point in dragging up trauma for himself and his family who’ve all worked hard individually to move on with their lives and become happy and healthy adults.

I would have thought that my next sentence "It's not too late for him to pay for what he did" is a great tip-off that I didn't mean he should have reported as a child.

What about the fairly recent new laws regarding coercive control? Couldn't he be charged under those?

Because it still would have been absolutely nothing to do with them.

And what about if they're not functional? What if they're old, sick, and alone, and some entitled adult kid won't have anything to do with them because their precious boundaries got trampled on?

I have gone no contact with my family. The most hurtful thing for me is that I keep being approached by well meaning people who constantly tell me I should make it up as my mum is old and needs me. It totally negates my feelings, they don't stop to ask me why or stay impartial and I only went no-contact after trying every other avenue.

If you want to write and ask him why he doesn't seem to be speaking with his Mum and if there is anything you can help with, that is a different matter. But if you write as you have written in this post, you will be given short shrift.

I think they do go no contact for no reason, or for inadequate reason.