How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

No my parents were very far from perfect. I look back at my childhood and can't really understand the things they did. But they're my parents and I accept they are human and products of their own upbringing/traumas. I do everything I can to make sure my children have a happy and more secure childhood and I prioritise them, in the way that my parents didn't. But I'm sure my children could find fault.
I could never abandon my elderly parents and ignore their attempts to contact me (except in most severe cases)

the growing trend of family estrangement
it’s not a trend, it has always existed. The fact that people can now find the language to express these issues doesn’t mean they are are ‘trend’ or a new thing! I knew stranged families when I was a child, many decades ago.

The gender distribution of convicted abusers has nothing to do with it, isn't it?

You've stated (and I've quoted the exact extract of your post) that statistically it is more likely that problem leis with the people who made conscious decision to go NC with their relatives. You repeated this statement numerous times in your follow-up posts.

I just wonder can you kindly provide the link to this statistics you've referenced to support your statement?

I kept quiet about it for a decade, and then she finally called one day to tell me she was leaving. I was all "Oh thank god! I've always loathed him" etc. My mistake was to believe her when she said she would leave. Should have kept my mouth shut about how much I hated him. But I had got to the point where I just couldn't. He was physically hurting her AND doing psychological Sleeping-with-the-Enemy stuff. i.e. they both had degrees, but he had a higher grade, so his degree cert had to hang higher on the wall than hers.

You surely don't mean your first sentence? Otherwise society would be full of people screaming insults at everyone the whole time, if they felt like it. There are reasons we frown on insults and name-calling. What if you had a daughter and she came home from school crying bc she was called a cunt? Also, vicious insults like that are often part of a wider pattern of abuse.

You said "You've stated (and I've quoted the exact extract of your post) that statistically it is more likely that problem leis with the people who made conscious decision to go NC with their relatives."

That's NOT what I said at all, and you didn't quote me accurately. I referred to maternal abusers, not to people who go NC with their "relatives." It's much less likely that a mother is an abuser than a father, although of course it does happen.

If you have read up on the subject of DV/DA you will know that women who leave their abusers at the first attempt are rare.

I know. It's seven times on average. This was many years ago and I knew less. I wish I'd just made the right noises and prepared myself for it not happening at that time.

This.

Going low- or non-contact with family has always been a thing, but it used to be far more common to do it in a "soft" or indirect way instead of using those words and making an official break.

I knew an awful lot of people my parents' ages and older who had moved away from home and limited contact with parents to maybe a visit once a year or less and the occasional long distance call (that were kept short by pointing to the cost). Flights were expensive, there were no family whatsapps to leave, no expectation of grown children being constantly available by text, no dilemmas of who to block on social media to keep control of info that toxic family members will take advantage of, etc.

I could have written this post myself.

Why did he cut off contact?

But he won’t give a toss.

He dosent sound very nice, so why would she want him in her life.
Would he bring anything to it .
If it's a toxic relationship she might be better leaving it for her own mental health.
Life is short we all deserve peace, and nobody not even family is worth wrecking your mental health for.

Why would you have been livid? Wouldn't you have just realised that they had no idea how your dad had treated you, so to them, of course it would look bad to them?

i think that every little helps when it comes to confronting bad behaviour. It's good for people who have behaved terribly to know that others don't condone that sort of thing.

If his mother abused him as a child then he needs to report her to the police.

Why do you keeping acting like mums aren’t human and therefore also capable of selfish human behaviour? It’s really weird.

He was abusive to his wife and children. Does that pass muster? Is that a good enough reason for you?

He absolutely will not. He made the decision over 20 years ago and hasn’t had a moment of regret or doubt, and his father has continually proven that he isn’t worthy of being in his life (unfortunately we hear from family members).

He'd have a right to write back with both barrels, sure. At least then, OP and her friend might get some answers as to why he's cut her off.

Maybe they won't care, but I think the selfish, bad behaviour of today should be called out. It's good for practitioners of bad behaviour to know what others think of it and that they might not always get away with it. We live in a society where certain rules of behaviour are upheld, in order to enable everyone to get along. There's a huge trend for people going NC with parents, and it's not always because of abuse. It's because of irritating things like not respecting boundaries, which are massively annoying but not a reason to dump someone, imo.

Nothing "trendy" about it. its hard and painful but is the right thing to do in some circumstances

I was just asking.

He should have reported his dad to the police for wife and child abuse. It's probably not too late to make him pay for what he did. And there might have been other victims as well, outside the home. He should really be reported for his crimes. Even if nothing happens, it's the principle. The dad will probably be interviewed by the police, which I'd think would be hugely satisfying on its own.

Because they had no right to interfere.
Even if I had done it with no reason its nobody elses business and my response to a letter would have been F off

Police would probably only investigate historic abuse of a sexual nature these days and even that at a push. But as the many PP who've shared their stories on this thread can attest to, emotional abuse can cause damage too and more than justify cutting a parent off.

He should have reported his dad to the police for wife and child abuse so a child or teenager walking to a police station and being expected to have the language to explain what takes decades to understand?

His choice, you have no idea what this man needs

My point is that they're rare, and that paternal abusers are much more common. I've said numerous times that that's not to say they don't exist. Prison stats bear out that women commit these serious crimes much less frequently than men. I'm not seeing what's weird about this viewpoint. Seems quite sensible to me.