How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I’m estranged from both my parents, who are considered to be pillars of the community by everyone who knows them. They’re wealthy and privileged, so were able to mask years of abuse. When I finally cut them off, their friends and family were all astonishment and I’ve been cut off by most of them as they believe what my parents tell them.

If I received the letter you’re describing, I would throw it in the bin and go about my day.

However well you think you know what happened, you weren’t there and you don’t. You’re heavily biased towards your friends and your opinion is highly unlikely to mean anything to someone who has done something as drastic as cut off both his parents.

It’s beyond arrogant to think otherwise.

If you wrote me a letter with home truths or otherwise you’d be swiftly told to fuck off to the back of beyond, and then fuck off some more.
My 89 year old mother is still persona non grata here and always will be. Off course you would not expect a primary school head to be a secret monster, but she is a woman who should not have been allowed to have children. Keep your advice to yourself.

Even if you are right, its not your place to interfere.
I cut all contact with my Father and if someone had sent me a letter about it i would have been livid

How sad. I wonder if your dh will live to regret this once his dad passes away.

You shouldn’t get involved, writing a letter to him is crossing boundaries, writing to his girlfriend and her parents is so fucking ridiculous.

She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

thats what people would say about my mum too, you don’t know his side.

The difference is in the parent:child relationship, the child has no agency at the start and has to put up with abuse until they are old enough to leave. In the adult relationship context both parties do/should have agency thus the left partner is not to blame.

You are comparing apples and cucumbers.

OP please don't write any letter. It's GUARANTEED to have the opposite effect. Do you think your letter will suddenly enlighten him and send him back to his mums bosom?!??!

To all the guilty people here who have cut off a parent for no reason, it's never too late to make up.

The key is in the phrase "for no reason." Of course, you should never make up with someone who committed child abuse.

Yes, I know that and I agree.

My question was, why do we ALWAYS blame the person who was left? Why do so many people refuse to believe any possibility that the parent might not deserve it?

Don’t do this. My parents are narcs and wouldn’t come across as anything other than angels with halos and no one would guess about the actual abuse I suffered behind closed doors.

But that's the whole point – you cannot be sure there is no reason in the case of OP's friend's son. You've just decided he must be a selfish so-and-so based on absolutely nothing but your own prejudices.

If your mother was abusive, I'm not surprised you're NC.

Btw, my primary school head was just the same. Lauded by everyone but bullied some little children on the sly.

That's fair.

You're not going to get support or advice here, this place is one of the forces to blame for the growing trend of family estrangement. Narcissistic people are hyping each other to cut off family ties, usually by ironically using that exact word to vilify family members and end relationships instead of working towards understanding and reconciliation. Your friend needs a therapist to help with this and you need to stay away from this toxic hellscape on this issue. There are articles out there to shed light on it: google “no contact trend”. The New Yorker amongst others wrote a piece.

That's just horrible. I'm so sorry. 😢

I hope not, I didn't

You do seem well intentioned but it does seem (from the outside) that you could possibly be being manipulated by your friend. If what she is telling you is true, that is sad and hopefully he will come around, but it is very strange that she is telling you very negative things about her son but also agreeing to you writing his gf and gf's family --- what could that possibly accomplish except to further hurt her son? What could you possibly say to open up the dialogue between all the parties?

It must be awful watching your friend's relationship with her once-loving son, both of whom you've known for years, suddenly disintegrate in this cruel and baffling way OP.

I'm in no doubt whatsoever that your intentions come from a very kind and caring desire to set things right between them. I applaud you for it, but from the majority of opinion on here, it's seen as interfering in things you know nothing about.

I do think there's a generational divide here. 'Writing a letter' used to be how the more senior members of a family tried restore harmony or set someone straight or whatever. I've seen it done in my own and friends' families.

Now though, for most people under about 40, a letter like that would be an outrageous and totally unacceptable crossing of boundaries. No matter how well-intentioned, it'd be more likely to break relationships for good than repair them.

So for different reasons, I agree with people saying definitely don't write a letter. You've said you won't now anyway, though I can't find that actual post.

What to do instead? Nothing, in terms of changing the son's mind. You could be right about him experiencing some MH issues. Maybe from depression, maybe drug- or drink-related, maybe arising from a delayed teen rebellion that can come from growing up in a one-parent family - again something I've experienced personally. Perhaps he wants to punish her for 'badmouthing' his dad, even if it was only a rare or mild comment. I don't underestimate the power of a partner to change someone's personality, or attitude to their parents, either.

Whatever the reason, right now he genuinely believes he's been badly treated by his mother. Her friend trying to convince him otherwise would only be seen as gaslighting.

From your point of view - it's extremely hard to offer a friend in pain a shoulder to cry on, absorb their emotions for months on end, and not want to do something to help. But I think for your own wellbeing and your friend's, you need to gently detach yourself and offer a bit of perspective. Your friend can't change her son's attitude, but she can get on with her life and remain a loving mother. Even if he chooses not to see her that way. I think if she can shift her focus away from her grief, while still loving her son and keeping lines of communication open, it will help lift a burden from both of them.

You’ve said that already. I repeat my questions - why do you think they’ll care? Do you think they’ll roll over and take it rather than telling you to bugger off?

This can’t be real. Writing a letter to your friend’s son’s girlfriend’s parents on your friend’s behalf??? That’s so far beyond overstepping. He’s already cutting her off, does she want a restraining order???

I remember a family friend of my mother's had an inkling that all was not well between my mother and I, when I was left with the friend while my parents went out of an evening when I was a young teen.

I remember she looked at me, and said, 'your mother's a good woman, she's had a hard life'. I bloody knew how hard her life had been. She'd been telling me about it since I was SEVEN. We were always told how hard Mum had had it, and we had to make allowances.

Mum outside the family, was lovely, particularly to her friends and with her friends around.

They definitely didn't see the treatment her kids got, and most of it (barring the hidings, and the washing our mouths out with soap, that sort of shit, and because of the times, it wasn't so 'bad') could be explained away by those predisposed to do so. Like her friends.

You don't know jack shit about what this woman was like as a mother, when no one was around.

Keep the hell out of it. Maintain your relationship with her, your friendship, and don't be drawn/insert yourself into her son's relationship with her, or lack thereof.

Deja321 you sound very fortunate not to understand, and very naive.

When you have grown in a dysfunctional family you have two choices: become like them or leave and be your own person. Every victim has to deal with the painful consequences of their decision every day. When they they grow up and meet normal loving families, and especially when they have children of their own, they are forced to go through a very painful process as they start understanding and processing their pain. Sometimes they need to go no contact in order to be a person. I am not exaggerating. You have no idea.

Since you are on AIBU, I am going to reply. The OP has gotten decent advice here: She should not write a letter to the gf or her family. That is good advice in any circumstance, whether the son is having mental health issues and social climbing aspirations and cutting his mother down in the process, or if his mother is a manipulative narcissist. Either way -- good advice.

Yes ofcourse she does you are her flying monkey.
You do realise that she's using you to harass him. This is classic narcissistic behaviour.
I suggest that you look at things again in light of her current behaviour

@NoisyDenimShaker I have no problem with anybody calling anyone anything tbh.

Doesn't sound like your relative cut contact with you because they are a selfish person or an arsehole though which is what you think people do, she is/was in an abusive relationship and it's likely that you voicing your opinion that she should leave him (which was the right thing to do btw because I don't think I could sit back and watch it either) only made her more determined to stay I don't know but I do know that abusive relationships can be so difficult to leave and it's such a tricky thing to navigate

Don’t get involved, you know absolutely nothing from his point of view.
i cut my mum off, she’s a narcissistic nasty piece of work, everyone thinks she’s great, I hugged my mum when I was younger so I felt loved but behind closed doors it was made clear I wasn’t wanted and I was a burden,
but in front of everyone else she was the Doting loving mum; to this day she still lies to play the victim which has resulted in most of my family bar 2 to ignore me and assist her with painting me in a bad light. Ive had people trying to tell me my mum was lovely and didn’t deserve me cutting her off blah blah blah.
you know nothing, keep out of it. Don’t you dare invalidate his feelings. Nothing to do with you.