How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

This indeed.

it is astonishing how different a person can be - and nobody knows

Were you the golden child?

Just FYI, The stately homes reference is a thread (putting it succinctly) were posters have gone NC with parents that seem lovely to those on the outside but are abusive inside the home, and when their children have confronted them have given answers like 'but we took you to stately homes.' i.e. we looked after you really well.

Weird new behaviour in a senior should always be checked out. If you have elderly relatives, please get them checked if that happens. Please don't leave them to suffer

Did you ever think of getting checked yourself? Might be an idea.

Exactly

It started suddenly, when she was old, though. You don't think that's worth a check-up? They would do the clock test, which is a simple and painfree indicator of whether there might be a problem. And brain tumours can make people act VERY strangely. I'm not saying that the posters experience is wrong, and her mum might just be abusive, absolutely. Seems worth a check though.

Nope. They always treated us equally.

Do not write a letter. You are making this about you being a hero and not about any of the parties involved.

Her son is a grown up. He can make decisions about his life. I do not doubt this is painful for his mum, but any action you do is about you and you would be a monumental twat for engaging.

My mother had a lot of people at her funeral but strangely not her 3 children, rangeing in ages from 39 to late 50s. There was a reason for that.

Supposing her son is entirely to blame for this,shallow, ashamed of her and caught up in a new life. Let's suppose that is true. The truth is still that nothing you can say or do will achieve anything other than to make things worse.

Stay out of it.

You cannot speak for your sibling or anyone's experience of their childhood. A LOT of times 2 children can grow up in the same house and have completely different experiences.

Oh my god! How did you know that I'm a selfish coward? It's like the internet is TRANSPARENT or something! You can look through it and see the real me! Which button do you press to activate this sorcery??

What do you envisage the outcome will be if you were to write a letter? What good do you imagine will result from it, what is it you hope to achieve?

Do you think the son will say,‘thank you, I now see the error of my ways, I’m sorry mum, let’s meet up for Christmas’?

He won’t. And you as an outsider can’t possibly know what goes on in a family, neither can anyone here. All I know is that U would be beyond furious if a friend of my mum wrote me a letter inserting themselves into family business. I think all it can achieve is to make matters far, far worse between them.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sometimes, but not in this case. There is nothing my parents did to deserve the treatment they got. We are close, especially now they're gone, and she'd have told me. She just wanted to live her own life. 🤷‍♀️

@oakleaffy It's a shame he can't communicate with his mother in an honest way. .. from what the OP has said e.g. neglecting broken arm etc … he has told his mother what his issues are. The mother has chosen to dismiss his emotions.

Those doing the shunning do it to hurt. It's like a long range sulk….Most people who are NC with families do so as a form of self protection.

Interestingly that is exactly what my mother and golden child sibling would often say.
Luckily my other sibling, although their recollection is different to mine, is closer to mine than my golden child siblings (and mother's) is.

So three siblings all with different views on how they were brought up.
It may be worth you thinking about that,

Write that letter and all it will accomplish is her son blaming her for it and you losing a friend. Mind your own business.

No Elton John cut contact with his mother because she was a malignant Narcissist.
Cutting contact with a narc is not sulking it may send a message that says YOU don’t get to hurt me anymore.
But it is for peace of mind, safety and self protection that people cut from Narcissits

I think the OP sees herself as the saviour riding in on the white horse distributing bounty and being lauded for it until the End of Days.

In reality she is most likely being hugely manipulated by the mother at best.

Those of us who have been in toxic situations see this pretty clearly. Those of us who have been on the receiving end of flying monkeys can tick the behaviours off a list.

The OP- (and again I'm not convinced she is not writing about her own situation) frankly did the right thing by posting here. Hopefully she will read the many responses and start to reflect more critically. And protect herself from being put in a situation that can really never end well for her, or anyone else.

@NoisyDenimShaker I bet nobody has ever cut off contact with you have they lol what with your charming attitude and the way you speak to people. You come across as the sort of person who treats people like shit but it's all their fault and nothing to do with you lol

I do quite like watching someone so confidently wrong though so I guess I will await my written beating b cause to be fair you do seem quite good at it

OP, the crucial thing here is that you don’t know what his relationship with his mum really is, not what his childhood was really like. That’s what you can’t seem to accept. You truly have no idea.

Maternal abusers are much rarer than paternal ones. Look at prison stats. And selfish human behaviour is way more common than abusive mums. The former is an everyday occurrence. The latter is nowhere near as common. Everyone knows that female offenders of serious crime (DV abuse, GBH, murder etc.) are in the minority. It's not to say they don't exist, but my money is on the son being a selfish so-and-so rather than his mum having done anything wrong.

Cut my mother off for the final time approx 28 years old.

She is a very respectable, very likeable woman. Highly intelligent, very interesting and I'm sure tells a great tale.

She was a shit mother though.

If someone else had got involved, I'd have been furious and it would have felt like she was creating a pity party. You only have one side of the story.

My gc sibling would tell you that our childhood didn't happen either. I've never met anyone so deep in denial, he's so desperate for her love that he'd look you in the face and tell you black was white. Only for my husband coming along and witnessing my parents behaviour, I too used to think I was going mad or was the problem.

I think most of us accept that many people do indeed behave appallingly, for reasons of their own. But it can be the most unlikely people who behave like that.

It is of course possible that the son has arbitrarily and callously cut off his DM. The OP speculated on his possible reasons - his involvement with the modelling world, his wealthy girlfriend, possible embarrassment with his DM, mental health. Nobody is denying any of this could be true - but we can't know the facts of his relationship with DM and the reasons for his actions.

Everything the OP knows is based on what she has been told by her friend, so just one perspective. There are several indications though that it could be more complex. Firstly, the fact the friend agreed to the OP contacting her son on her behalf (this would be such an inappropriate thing to do & I am glad the OP has decided against it). It is unusual for an adult child in their 30s to cut off a parent unless it is a carefully considered decision - not unheard of, just unusual.

The OP refers to the fact that the son slowly cut contact over a period of time until a hard cut off, and that he raised issues about his childhood such as the fracture. The fact he raised such issues in the first place indicates that he may have been trying to engage with the OP's friend to resolve things, before his final decision to cut contact. I wonder how the friend responded to him - did she listen to what he was saying, did she seriously consider if he had any valid points, was there anything she needed to apologise for?

Perhaps - but to be honest the OP's post does not inspire confidence. She is adamant that the friend was a wonderful mother, definitely not neglectful, and absolutely didn't say anything really negative about her son's father. It reads as though she is literally a mouthpiece for her friend at this point in her post

As I say I am really glad the OP has chosen not to write the letter. It would be almost guaranteed to pour petrol on the flames.

You know what, I feel very sorry for you. It's obvious that you have been hurt many times in your life and that cannot have been easy. I do hope you heal from it. The more you post, the more I see a very sad and hurt person who has become bitter and resentful of those around them.

I wish you well but won't be engaging with you further as it's not fair and I apologise if any of my comments have hurt you. You have enough going on, I honestly didn't realise your circumstances. I hope things improve for you.