How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

Hardly. Lots of people get a big head when they do well, and decide they're better than where they've come from, and especially when they're fawned over. Meghan Markle ring any bells? I also had a friend who became a really successful published author. Her first contract was 250k years ago and her second was for a million, and there have been many others since then. She was really nice before success, but it really went to her head, because the publishers treated her like a rare Persian cat. She couldn't see that it was because she was a golden egg for them. I mean, I'm sure they liked her too, but all the stroking was pure economics to make sure she kept publishing with them. She lapped up every word, sadly.

But they weren't arseholes to me. It's stuff I witnessed. Why can't anyone read??? Really gave me an insight to the underbelly of human nature.

Do not contact him under any circumstances.

My perspective is of someone who cut contact with my mother and stepfather when I was in my late 40s. My mum started getting progressively more abusive when I had children in my early 30s. The last straw was when she accused my husband of sexually abusing our daughter.

Under my 30s I thought my mum had her faults but was generally ok. She revealed herself slowly to be a liar, a narcissist and generally vile and unpleasant. She ruined my sisters wedding and the time around the birth of both my children. She constantly goaded, criticised and made me feel worthless. She beat up my 2 year old daughter (I didn’t find out until years later).

You do not know what has gone on in the relationship between your friend and the son. I told everyone as a child and even in my 20s what a great mum I had. Slowly the scales fell from my eyes. Everyone used to say how lovely my mum was. I DK if she changed or my perspective changed.

I got back in touch with her when my stepfather developed cancer, after several years of no contact, when my sibling who lives in the Far East couldn’t cope alone anymore.

Since then I try and look out for her needs as she is old and a widow now, age 90. She nearly drove me to suicide a couple of years ago with her constant goading and I had intensive psychotherapy.

Perhaps the son will come round maybe not. Perhaps he is an arsehole but I doubt it. It is incredibly painful to break up with a parent even if you instigate it. I cried countless tears over it. Respect his wishes and do not interfere. Maybe take a critical look at your friend and consider how her son might see her.

This.

Look OP, countless people on here have told you not to write this letter. You’ve been told it’s a bad idea, have been warned that it will be be damaging and have even been told that it could prevent a future reconciliation.

You keep coming back with excuses …but I know he’s mentally ill …but my friend wants me to …but I think it would help. You’re clearly determined to get involved, so please be prepared to take some responsibility when it all goes horribly wrong and be aware that your actions could have real consequences.

But you couldn't possibly know what was driving their behaviour just by witnessing it!

I echo what others have said, stay the fuck out of it, support your friend with a should to cry on but that is it. I have been NC with my very abusive parents for eight years and if they had sent flying monkeys after me, I would have been beyond furious. If a person cuts off contact due to mental illness it is even harder. We have a member of our extended family who has cut off her whole family and made hideous accusations of abuse. We all know they are not true as they were plots of movies or books but she is not well and genuinely believes what she is saying. You might like to think you are going to be the hero of this story but trust me, you are not. Even if he is just being a snobby wanker, he's not going ot take too kindly to you pointing it out, is he?

That's such an awful story. I'm so sorry you went through all that. One thought - if she only started being like that when you were in your 30s, is it possible that it's down to oncoming dementia or some other brain disease? If so, the thing about your husband could have been a hallucination. Just seems odd that she started being like that when old.

Selfishness and cowardice.

I cannot believe you have jumped to minimise that poster's lived experience. Wow, just wow.

You honestly sound so bitter at people doing better than yourself...Authors, Meghan Markle.... you just sound very silly.

Delulu.

Same, People used to describe my mum as a lovely person with an amazing sense of humour, I was severely abused from birth until I ran away from home at 15.

Used to make me feel like there was something wrong with me when they would say how brilliant she was, That she was such a laugh, that I didn't know how lucky I was to have her as my mum etc

She is the most two faced person I have ever met who would talk about everyone in the family like they were shit, scream and shout to get her way, guilt trip me to keep me in line etc as well as physical abuse thrown in as well. Think 'A child called 'it' levels of abuse and you have half an idea of what she is like behind closed doors. she made my life complete hell.

All my life I have had people tell me I only get one mum and I need to make an effort etc

Nobody knows what anyone is really like.

I now live 600 miles away with a new name and I now denounce the fact I even have a mum.

Takes one to know one I guess.

The mum was fine until she was old. I asked if the change could be possible to brain disease since it wasn't evident before. Could you please explain to me what's illogical about that question?

I don't envy your relatives, since you wouldn't take them to a doctor if they started exhibiting strange new behaviour.

If he's in his early 30s he's at the end of his modelling career unless he is exceptional and one of the top leading male models which from your description doesn't sound like it.

Perhaps that insecurity has led him to behave thus towards his 'poor' mother as he is terrified of ending up poor himself.

Your friend just needs to leave the door open but you need to only support your friend.I have seen sons cut of their mothers and those who have never seen their grandchildren and never will.Usually influence from partners.Very sad but actually more common than you think.

“Open up the conversation between all parties” … but why?! You would never have any relationship with your friend’s son’s girlfriend’s parents in the normal course of things. Your only intention here is to be damaging to the son, so that his mother can ensure she has been represented accurately to the gf’s parents?! Your friend sounds a classic narcissist tbh.

It's actually a good point. Weird new behaviour in a senior should always be checked out. If you have elderly relatives, please get them checked if that happens. Please don't leave them to suffer.

Do not get involved. Support your friend but it is up to him if he wants to cut contact. You have no idea of his actual experiences growing up.
People often say to me how wonderful my Mum is and what a lovely childhood etc… we had. She was a raging alcoholic who behind closed doors was very abusive.

I think you have made the right decision not to send a letter OP.

I think there are some parents who are truly terrible. So bad that you cannot imagine.

There are also lots of parents who aren't great in multiple ways, and low or no contact with them may well save the sanity of the children involved.

I have noticed too that grown up sons are often, not always, but often very critical of their mums. In fact, both sons and daughters are more critical of their mums than their fathers- I think we expect a much higher standard from mums and idealise motherhood and so when it turns out a mum is shitty, or even abusive, it jars with our understanding of what women should be like (one reason many people are not believed when they do say it).

I have two good friends whose sons are just rude and not nice to their mums. They aren't no contact, quite the opposite, they ring asking for money or to stay and also say things about their pasts (e.g. that their mums were shouty, and depressed, which are probably true as their mums did 99% of the parenting as single parents). No allegations of abuse but more a manipulation of the past to get what they want. My friends are lovely people and very strong on boundaries with others, but they are scared their sons will leave them behind, they are scared to say 'no, I'm not going to give you £5000', they just stump up, or they accept being spoken at very badly, they accept all kinds of things I don't think are ok. They worry about their mental health, they allow them all kinds of leeway and excuses that they wouldn't accept from their daughters.

Lots of men don't like women very much and are able to treat them badly and cut them off and I think we are a bit naive if we think this doesn't include their own mothers. Even in these nicer relationships of my friends/sons, I see elements of their entitlement as males.

Keep out of it though.

My relatives are fine, thanks for asking. But if I had that poster's mum then no, I don't think I'd be rushing to take her anywhere.

Re: "it's statistically mush more likely that he is an arse that then his mum is abusive" - can you kindly reference the source of statistics, please?

Generally the predominant point of view that people would not cut contacts with their parents without a genuine reason. May be there are some new studies that would support your point of view. Will be interesting to see.

It's very strange to cut all contact -It's a shame he can't communicate with his mother in an honest way.

Elton John allegedly cut all contact with his mother, too- because she so say said something against his partner.

Those doing the shunning do it to hurt.
It's like a long range sulk.

Communication is the key- and apologising if the mother has done something wrong.

Hope he sees sense and can heal the rift with his mother.

@soupsetpleasehelp Definitely do not write that letter!.

Yes, yes, it's all me. No one is awful, no one is egotistical, there is no bad behaviour and no selfish personalities. IT'S ALL ME, MY PERCEPTION IS WRONG!

Thank you, thank you! Now I can rest easy knowing that we live in a world of soft and gentle fairies, and all the bad things people do are just an illusion!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever been so happy and relieved!