How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

A completely terrible terrible idea.

the idea the mum wants you to go ahead and do this speaks volumes!!!

I have a relative I raised from being an infant. A few years ago he cut contact. I ache for him every day. I pray every night he comes back. As far as I am concerned he is my first born even though i didnt give birth to him. He has always called me mom. And his children called me granny.And if one of my friends wrote a letter I would never speak to them again.

A relative cut off contact with me after I encouraged her to leave her violent husband, after ten years of keeping my mouth shut about it.

And if you read the whole thread, I responded to provocation. But I guess you think it's OK for a woman to call another woman a cunt? Bad behaviour WILL be called out.

In the kindest possible way, I suspect you don’t know what’s really gone on (and you’d probably be very shocked if you did).

I cut all contact with my mum a few years ago. She was, on paper and to outside observers, the most wonderful loving mum until I was 40. Though in retrospect, actually my childhood was quite chaotic - dysfunctional family relationships, transient living situation for a bit, and quite dangerous situations with men - but I could have gotten over those things. They didn’t seem abnormal at the time, though looking back as an adult, I can see how not right they were.

But if you actually asked my mum why she has no relationship with me, she would tell you one story - about what a terrible person I am with huge issues who took huge amounts of money from her and ran off and refused to ever let her see her grandchildren again. I know because well meaning friends of hers, probably much like you, have contacted me to tell me what a horrible thing I’ve done and that I need to apologise to her. Interestingly, it’s very similar to the story she tells about why her husband’s children and grandchildren also cut them off. None of it is true. The real reason is because her husband was convicted of sexually abusing his daughter (my stepsister), because he sexually abused other children since they have been together, and she tried to facilitate inappropriate contact between him and my children.

We all are NC to keep our children safe. She would absolutely never tell anyone the real story. She’s very committed to keeping to the narrative in her favour because she doesn’t want anyone to find out what really happened. Everyone in her life (who doesn’t know the real story from me) feels very sad for her about her horrible daughter and stepdaughters.

Thirdly, the idea of you writing to his girlfriend and her parents is fucking deranged. Seriously. You think that is going to help matters? His mum's friend writing weird letters to his girlfriend and her parents? He's going to think both you and his mother are toxic as hell and he will be utterly, utterly furious, as well as mortified that his girlfriend and her bloody parents have been dragged into this

Yes, can you imagine what they'd think if they got such a letter from the OP?

I went NC with my mother after I got married. The reason? Because she spread lies about me to garner sympathy from friends and family in the month before the wedding, about a situation that I gave her so much support in that it almost ruined my first graduate job because I was there for her so much, when all she’d ever given me in my life was abuse. It was the final straw.

My sister, growing up in the same house as me, had a completely different life experience because my mother didn’t hate her. My crime? To remind her of my father, who she had divorced years before. She was verbally and physically abusive, as well as utterly neglectful. To the outside world? No, none of them saw that and my sister saw it happening but because it didn’t happen to her continued to act like my mother was a saint.

My mother’s narrative? I was being manipulated by my husband because clearly I was deranged and none of it had ever happened and he must be manipulating me to make me tell lies. Despite the fact that she hospitalised me more than once as a child/teenager. Always when my sister wasn’t in the house. Very convenient how many times I ‘fell downstairs’. And took great delight in telling me how she didn’t love me because I wasn’t likeable.

My mother got family friends and various other people to phone me, which infuriated me even more. And when that didn’t work decided to send the police round for a ‘welfare check’. They took one look at me and my husband who I was perfectly happy with and asked me if I wanted her arrested for wasting police time.

You can’t tell as an outsider what drives an adult child going NC, but don’t get involved and it is highly likely that there’s a huge back story.

Do nothing except support your friend.
About cutting off parents: I have several times seen it done and it has lasted a year or two and then ended in the relationship being reestablished. It can be important for adults to step away from a parent they've been very close to; sometimes closeness can be cloying especially when there have been difficulties in the wider family. Terribly hard for the parent of course and your friend needs support to get through it. But don't intervene because you will likely make things worse.

I'm tired of bad behaviour. That's literally it. It seems to have got much worse with social media and the pandemic, and I think people should be called out on it. I don't get why I must have all these issues for pointing out that other people can behave really, really badly for no reason. Doesn't everyone know that?

Honestly, I know several people who have cut parents out of their lives. It’s never for “nothing”, there’s always a reason and usually the parent is unwilling to accept they are the issue, or at least part of the issue. Stay well out of it, I’d be willing to bet money there’s more to it than you’ve been told.

I think what you are saying makes alot of sense.
I have noticed alot of ppl on this site encourage going nc with family over what i would consider very trivial reasons, I think that's why they are jumping on you.

My childhood was far from perfect but I still couldn't abandon my parents. None of us are perfect and alot will have issues from their own upbringing but try their best. I also notice from working in care that alot don't bother with family but then very quick to want to know about finances once the relative does. Some people are ruthless sadly.

Lots of people who know my DM would describe her as a wonderful, kind and generous person but I had a toxic childhood full of neglect, emotional abuse and more.
Nobody would ever believe me who knows her, everyone thinks she is lovely. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, stay out of it.

Sorry I meant to quote noisydenimshaker

Agree with every word of this post.

My childhood was far from perfect but I still couldn't abandon my parents. None of us are perfect and alot will have issues from their own upbringing but try their best. I also notice from working in care that alot don't bother with family but then very quick to want to know about finances once the relative does. Some people are ruthless sadly.

How do you know all parents ‘try their best’. Some people are terrible parents, even if they ‘love their children’ as ‘love’ as a feeling someone has is not enough for ANY relationship.

Many of those adult children will take any inheritance, yes, why shouldn’t they?

My mum would paint a picture of a wonderful mother and an ungrateful child, that is not the case and I’m no contact. Do not tell this man what he experienced. I was ‘close’ to my mum when I was younger, it means nothing!

My dh has chosen to cut contact with his dad who never worked through most of his childhood and then moved to Thailand with 100k from the divorce settlement (mum had to buy him out even with 4 kids). His dad didn't even come back to uk for his dad's funeral and only came back for his mum's funeral as his parents paid. Has a new Thai wife and everything.

He has gone low contact with his mum as she has a codependent relationship with his 26 year old sister (who lives with her). He doesn't want to have any more contact with her as she is quite verbally abusive (and the other siblings also live abroad) so it's just us. He told his mum that he is fine meeting her outside for walks but she doesn't want to, she only wants us to come for meals at her home (which means we will see the sister). So dh isn't speaking to his mum really even though we used to see her almost every week (plus I am now pregnant with the only grandchild who would actually live in the same country she lives in).

I hear what you're saying, but it's really not the case here.

I'm so puzzled as to why some people can't accept that others do awful things sometimes, and that one of those things is cutting people off. And sometimes it's because of their own issues. I'm amazed at the insistence that it absolutely must have been the fault of the person who was cut off.

I'm sorry for your experience. It sounds heart-breaking.

I'm a little curious...why would you cut out a friend for trying to stick up for you when you've been so unjustifiably hurt?

Hell no, do not write that letter. For someone who hardly saw him you make a lot of assumptions.
I have two cousins who went no contact with their father after their mum died. The rest of the family had no idea of the emotional and physical abuse they and my aunt endured. It broke my heart to hear what went on.
You need to keep your nose out.

It's a sad situation, but please do NOT write a letter. He will assume that his mum has been bad-mouthing him, and that she put you up to writing the letter, and it will make matters worse.

What's the different between experience and lived experience? If you've experienced it, surely you've lived it, yes?

Nope. No letter. No one knows what life is like behind closed doors. I have a fairly good relationship with my mum now, but she was an alcoholic until I was 12. Then had a relapse when I was 14. If you knew what I went through, you would be shocked.

Yet to the outside, she presented like the most amazing mum. No one knew what was going on. She managed to hide it for 7 or so years (maybe longer, that's just as long as I can remember) until it was discovered by a medical professional, and SS got involved, and very few people know about the relapse, SS never found out. I would probably be within my rights to cut contact, but I know it is a mental illness she had, and I have dealt with the trauma.

Yet if I hadn't and cut her off, people would likely act the way you are. Then, any hope of reconciliation would be gone if I received a letter from one of her friends that I haven't had much to do with for years.

There are tons of videos online by middle aged and elderly parents who have been cut off from their adult children for no apparent reason. It's very sad. Perhaps check out some of those videos.

How did he become so selfish? Who raised him 🤔

You seem very very very involved in this as a ' friend '

are you the ' mother ' involved.

just remember there are two sides to every story

and there are two people in the relationship - mother and son

not three - you are not in this relationship...