How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

Absolutely none of your business. Don't get involved. If I was the son, I'd be absolutely horrified if a random friend of my mum got in touch to tell me how mean and mistaken I am for cutting her off.

Just out of interest, are this family based in Wales and the dad in Shropshire? If not, I know a remarkably similar situation! The son in the case I know is much younger though, early-mid 20s.

What a disgraceful word to use. Aren't you lovely? Do you always use misogynistic terms towards other women?

The whole thing seems a bit Single White Female to me anyway.

Yup. I'm amazed at the amount of people who believe that the son is right. I bet he's all puffed up, what with him being a model. 🤮
I found this comment full of venom and disturbing.

As others have said you don’t know the full situation. Could be something could be nothing. You wanted a child’s perspective:

I would consider cutting contact with my Mum but I cant be arsed with the drama. My Mum abused me as a child, yet if I cut contact she would make it all about her, playing the victim, probably I’d become estranged from my family.

So I maintain some sort of relationship with her but emotionally it is complex. I don’t love her like a normal mother daughter relationship, but there is guilt there because she is my Mum. We have nice times in the moment but i cannot forget.

So just because you’ve seen them having a nice time it doesn’t mean anything really. You wouldn’t know it with my Mum and i’d say now i am an adult she overcompensates

The talking shit about the other parent is not ‘nothing’ - it is not on. My mum has treated me like my therapist re my Dad despite me saying on several occasions i didn’t like it.

Perhaps his new girlfriend has given him the strength to go no contact. My husband would do this for me.

Not saying it is abuse but if it it, just offering a perspective from that angle.

Even terminal, dying and bereaved people can be abusive parents. Your argument that the son must be in the wrong is so flimsy.

Where did I say that these dying and bereaved people were parents?

And why can so many people on this thread not accept that many people simply behave APPALLINGLY for no reason? Or rather, the reason is their own god-awful personalities.

Hi OP
I think you got a lot of dismissive even aggressive responses!
While you can't be 100% sure what's gone on in his childhood, I find 2 details compelling: 1) the reasons he has given aren't amounting to very much, and it doesn't sound at all like your friend has been abusive or neglectful; 2) him cutting contact coincides with a modeling job, wealthy girlfriend, and your friend being overweight living in a small flat.
Based on the above, I would say it is highly likely that he has entered the "high life" and suddenly his mum isn't good enough to be a part of it. Sadly, lots of people do that (albeit mostly to old friends, rather than family) once they become successful, rich, a celeb, etc. They build an entire wardrobe of new friends and want to forget where they started as they think themselves superior and would be embarrassed to be associated.
Re: the letter I would only do it if you used to be quite close, and also very careful not to push him away more. Chances are he won't appreciate it though.
Lastly, as you wanted to hear about people's experiences. I cut off my father for a very clear reason - he is an abusive arsehole (shouty, angry, moody and used to be physical too) and every time I gave him another chance, he would show his nasty ways of treating me. Apart from him, there are a few other family members (not abusive but I don't get on or feel close to) who I'm kind of distanced from but still in touch. Hope this helps.

This is very telling that she’s using you as a flying monkey - what good does she think your letter would do if she has been supposedly so hard done by and he’s at fault?

Why are my opinions in YOUR arse?

OP - this is a bit of a pile-on! I think it’s a bit unfair…I don’t think you’re intended to be invasive and I totally understand that your friend is heartbroken and you’re all worried about her and her son too. It sounds like an awful situation, and everyone must be desperate to help. Could you reach out to him and ask to meet? Without a long letter maybe.. sending strength x

By the same token, your argument that there must be a reason is so flimsy. It's hardly unusual for people with awful personalities to be horrible to others for no reason!

I cut my own mother off ten years ago. There are people in her life that can't understand why I have done it. Nobody knows fully what happens in other people's lives, you are only hearing one side

I can see all sides really but it’s not going to be a good idea to get involved. I’ve got a grown up daughter who doesn’t speak to me because she’s schizophrenic and imagined things have built up in her head. I’ve got a (once every close) niece and nephew in laws who have backed off which was really upsetting but they’ve been really awful to me and when people suggest ‘having it out’ with them I say well what’s the point? They won’t say ‘you’re right, we’ve been awful and we’ll be lovely now’ Also after my Mam died I had her neighbour saying‘so you didn’t make it up with her in the end’ when I’ve explained that she didn’t want to know and wouldn’t even open the door to me ‘look I’ve known (your mum) for 25 years’ oh have you now? So did she tell you she used to neglect and batter me and let her poedophile boyfriend get in the bath with me every night, no I didn’t say this but it would of shut her up wouldn’t it. I’m sure it’s not this bad of a situation with your friend but it still won’t help getting involved.

Best place for them.

The son will have his reasons. Talking badly about his Dad will have hurt him beyond what you and his Mum imagine.

You must have eaten them up good and proper..ha ha fair play.

It kind of makes sense now why you have had such a VAST experience of people being "arseholes".

Stay.
Out.
Of.
It.

and learn your place. I would fuming if I was your friend and you were even thinking this. It is absolutely NONE of your business apart from supporting your friend.

OP, this is absolutely none of your business. Don't get involved. I guarantee my mum's friends all think she's an absolutely wonderful mother. Behind the scenes, she's been violent to me as an adult, told me I'm worthless, even once told me to kill myself - all because I don't give her complete control over my life. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I started to realise that it isn't normal for a mother to tell her daughter what to wear or who to go on dates with (sounds so obvious, but it's difficult to see when you're in the thick of it and have never known any different).

I would have said she was a brilliant mother when I was a child, but looking back I can see that the controlling and callous behaviour was already in place then.

Stop making such sweeping generalisations! “People with mental health issues create false memories” / “the age depression often sets in” / “his father cut his own father off so they must be the same”. With all your quackery it seems you’ve diagnosed him - and the situation - yourself, so what input are you looking for?

You were making the point that people behave appallingly to relatives for no reason even when they were dying or bereaved, based on your experience. I answered in the context of OP's initial question – doesn't matter what someone is going through, if they're a shitty parent the offspring is right to cut them off still. Because there is ALWAYS a reason when that happens. Just read the Stately Homes threads.

I agree with @MsPossibly. Offering to meet up for a catchup as a family friend is all that you can or should do. If he agrees to meet you, only focus on maintaining a friendship with him, don’t discuss his mother.

You may be right that his father cutting him off and him suffering from orthorexia has contributed to his decision, but that none of your business.

I had no idea about that about the modelling world. I do know he posts a lot on insta (portraying the perfect life - like I guess so many do nowadays). Very insightful, thanks.