How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

You still sound very bitter about whoever ran out on you.

And did his mum support this? It’s possible she is a trigger op.

I gave examples of shitty behaviour and said I was tired of people behaving badly. What part of that was unclear?

If you do write a letter absolutely don’t challenge his view of things , just send love and best wishes and “ hope to see you soon” type message
he feels so strongly he want to completely cut his mum out of his life , you telling him he is wrong will either have no effect or make things much much worse

I have been cut off by a family member I just send my love via people who are still in some contact , keep it light and breezy, don’t think I will ever see them again but I keep trying to reach out now and again

A bit of background about the modelling. It is not the world it once was. Social media is such a part of a model’s career now, it’s where their lives are on show. And if this young man is hanging around with a wealthy family, and the girlfriend is a part of that, I think he may have been sucked into that world.
It is not uncommon for young models in that situation to cut ties with their past. It is brutal but it happens.
It even happened to the Beckhams for a while when their eldest son met a very wealthy socialite. They’ve made up now, but if Victoria Beckham can be iced out in that way, any mum can.
I think it’s not uncommon for young people to discuss their pasts and what was fine for them gets jumped on as abusive or abnormal in some way. And suddenly the dominant partner is in control, and the follower stays in line. (I am not discounting that some parents appear loving but are actual nightmares - but from your words that is not your friend!)
My advice to your friend would be to stay patient. It’s actually difficult for any young man to make it as a model, it’s much easier for girls, and connections help, so it could be that her son is very much enamoured of these people.
At some point the bubble will probably burst and I would think he would need his mum then.
It is so very difficult, but sometimes being so loved by a mum can be difficult when a partner comes along, too.
Your friend is clearly a lovely person but while her son is still an adult he’s behaving very childishly. Let him grow up a bit.
I am sure he will be back.

I think for the first time ever, I've actually seen what gaslighting is?
The op contacting the ds...'nooo you had a great childhood! I've SEEN it!'
'Oh she was wonderful to you!, my memory says so!'
'Oh you don't agree?! You must be psychologically ill!'

Yes, it speaks volumes as to why you have the attitude you have. I hope you heal from who hurt you. It's not easy.

@NoisyDenimShaker So you're basically calling many of us on this thread liars and bad people?

I'm estranged from my family.

I felt sorry for your friend, especially as she has a struggle with her weight - I have the image of a friendly working class woman who raised her son alone in a council flat. I'm sure it seemed like a lovely upbringing.

But you speak about him having mental health issues - as though that's the reason for his cutting off contact? And it sounds as though you only saw them once a year throughout his childhood past 5 years of age. I don't think we are getting the full story.

I didn't become estranged from my family frivolously. It was tough but I know I made the right call. They're beloved in my home town and people know them as being friendly and humble.

But they treated me terribly. Mainly my sd but then my mum and siblings. Nothing explosive or violent but bullying and nasty put downs and exclusion.

They're going around telling everybody they've got no idea why we're estranged.

People will say that I am overreacting and I'm sure will bring up my mental health. But I don't care, I plan to just avoid/ignore them.

Perhaps you're right, that he's ashamed of his mum and where he grew up and has decided to cut her off and make her into the bad guy. From your story it does sound like it, and it happens. I've had friends to the same to me, tbh. But you can never know the facts for certain.

I actually think a letter isn't a bad idea. But it would need to offer him the chance to meet and talk if he wants. You could say how much you love your friend and hate to see her hurting but recognise that you can't know everything. If he feels he has to cut his mum off, you're still there for him. But tell him that, if he's wrong, what he's throwing away he'll never get back.

Best of luck.

The thing is, OP, whatever the real situation, I can’t see how you intervening is going to help.

Even if the reasons your friend’s son has given for going no contact aren’t the real reasons, are you going to persuade him? If he’s depressed, he’s either decided he wants to work through that without his mum’s involvement, or he doesn’t realise he’s depressed. It’s very very hard to persuade someone who doesn’t believe they’re depressed to seek help for it. Do you know him well enough to do that? Do you see him regularly enough to know if he’s down all the time, sleeping badly, listless, no
hope for the future, stopped taking care of himself or other symptoms? Or are his friends and girlfriend better placed to help
him realise he’s depressed and seek help/treatment?

If he has actually stopped contact with his mum (having already lost contact with his dad) just because his girlfriend is hot and rich and his mum is fat and poor, I don’t think you’re going to make much headway getting him to admit that and rectify it. He’ll double down on the abuse narrative.

It is also, btw, quite common for people in their mid-late 20s to realise something was off about their own family life/upbringing, when they see other families up close and/or when they need help or therapy for another condition (orthorexia?) and realise through that that things in their childhood weren’t right.

I think you do risk making things worse if you do this. He may well see it as confirmation that he was right to cut her off, as a letter from you would show she has been discussing his business with others. I really don't think this is a good idea.

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm saying. Thanks for translating.

My eyes just rolled so far back I saw my brain.

I suspect you’re thinking of Sexual Abuse which yes, is most commonly committed by men/fathers. You’re wrong in saying mothers don’t abuse their kids. They do, emotionally, physically, neglectfully. Some women should not have children. Some women make very cruel Mothers.

When adult kids go NC with parents, the reasons span decades. The OP cannot possibly know the private details of her friend’s relationship with her son.

Receiving a letter out of the blue from his mum’s friend suggesting he may be under the spell of the rich folk or has perhaps developed some form of mental defect because everyone knows his mum is lovely is also a form of abuse.

Whatever's happened to me personally doesn't change the existence of all that bad behaviour I witnessed.

Your brain must have rolled back to your arse then.

I'm not diagnosing anyone. Just noticed alot of similarities in the behaviour as my friend. Family have tried reaching out to her on behalf of her mum, hasn't helped but hasn't made it worse. Couldn't get worse when she's cut them off completely.

As someone who went NC with both of my (divorced) parents for a period in my late 20's, I strongly recommend you don't get involved. My mum is a wonderful person and always prioritised me growing up, but as an adult I needed distance from her to be able to process a lot of things about my childhood.

During this time I would have been enraged if anyone tried to interrupt the space that took years and years for me to become strong enough to create for myself (knowing I would be hurting others in the process) to be able to heal from the past. You would never have known in the lead-up to this break from my family how I was feeling based on how I interacted with my mum generally - it's amazing what we can mask.

By all means support your friend through what is no doubt a difficult time for her, but do not make contact with the son. It will be meddling and making things worse in the long run. It's not your place and it's impossible that you really know what he's going through.

Did you always run up to give her and all her friends hugs?

I am very very low contact with my Mother and I did this until my mid twenties. I also have mental health problems. Guess what? I blame it on my Mum and my upbringing!

My Mum was perfect in front of other people. Neglectful and emotionally abusive in private. I always knew it but it took me years to come to terms with it. I had therapy which made me realise how bad it was. Getting into a relationship and confiding in my DH helped too. Having someone tell me that my experiences are not normal opened my eyes.

IMO you should mind your own business. If anyone of my Mothers friends wrote me a letter I’d be telling them where to shove it and blocking them. It would certainly make things between my Mother and myself worse because of course she’s still playing the victim and not owning up to what she’s done. You do not know what went on in that house. You just do not. People don’t cut their parents off for no reason, keep your nose out.

Again..YOU witnessed...YOUR hurt...YOUR skewed perception of the world.

If you are not actually the mother pretending to be a friend then you may need to be aware that you might be being used as a flying monkey. Look it up if you don't know what it means.

I have very little contact with my mother, and I moved continents in order to be away from her. To other people she seemed a doting and loving mother. I have had her friends write to me telling me how badly I treat her and how devastated and uncomprehending she is of my actions. My only interactions with her are out of guilt and a sense of obligation.

My story is very different. During my childhood she was an unmedicated bi-polar and drunk. She was viokent and abusive. She would threaten me with knives. She would tell me how disgusting I was- while telling everyone else how proud she was of me.

My story is different from hers. She gets off on playing the fragile victim whi cannot possibly understand what she did wrong. She fucking knows what she did wrong. And if she pushes me too far I will one day release all the abusive messages she has sent me to her entire fucking address book. And say 'this is the person you think is so hard done by'.

It’s nothing to do with you. And just FYI, you thinking what he experienced is “normal” is an entirely irrelevant frame of reference. You didn’t experience it. Plus no smoke without a fire and all that.

I witnessed terminal and dying and bereaved people being deeply hurt by their friends and loved ones. I don't know how I can be any clearer.

While I'm sure your friend is suffering greatly, all you can do is be a great friend to her.

You can't ever know what went on behind closed doors, what was said, or seen or how people felt etc. Maybe the son is being totally unreasonable. Maybe he isn't. Maybe it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. Who knows.

Be there to support your friend. That's all you can do. Show her love and care and what happens between her and her son is up to them.

I think their initial post made them sound like one tbh. Never mind all the other ones after.