30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

Normally I would say go to the wedding, but in this case you are not good enough to be included in the reception, and the invitation is without children, and the awkwardness of ceremony - then a gap - then just the evening reception.
The distance itself would be offputting as well.
So, I would go with the fiance birthday.

Celebrate your DHs birthday another day. People often have celebrations on a day separate to the actual date.
If he is complaining that he doesn't want to spend the day minding his children alone on his birthday then he needs to grow up. Life doesn't stop because it's your birthday. People go to work, have operations, look after sick family, do all sorts of things on their birthday. You can make a fuss of him another day.

I’m team finance here. Regardless of ‘big birthday’ or not, it’s ludicrous to ask someone to attend your ceremony and hang around for a few hours, as you’re not invited to the meal! Basically, she’s tried to make an ‘evening only’ invitation sound better by inviting you to the (free and plenty of space) ceremony. If you were that important to her, you’d be invited all day. She has had to understandably prioritise her numbers. You didn’t make the cut for x guests. Prioritise your finance.

Team birthday here ! If you were invited to the whole thing and could take the children I would maybe make a weekend of it and celebrate both, maybe just going to part of the wedding, but the fact you can't take the kids means I would prioritise birthday celebrations

I'd generally be team wedding, as unlike birthdays they don't happen every year. However, the practicalities of distance and childcare combined with having to fend for yourself in the middle of the day would make it a tricky proposition regardless of the landmark birthday factor. Send your apologies, and possibly a nice gift.

Very cheeky of the bride and groom to not invite anyone to the meal, what is she expecting people to do in between the ceremony and evening reception? Whole thing sounds a bit of a faff. I’d go to the ceremony with your husband and then go do your own thing for his birthday

“We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day).”

This is the reason to turn it down by the way, what are they expecting guests to do in between? I would normally say go to the wedding, that’s a bigger occasion than a birthday (there is no harm celebrating that a day after) but this would annoy me.

YANBU, you’d be sitting around all afternoon, not a fun way to spend his 30th.

I personally don't think a 30th birthday is that big a deal, but if your partner does, fine.
The bigger issue is the inconvenience of the child free wedding, and the nature of the invitation. I think it's rude to invite people to a ceremony but not the meal, and only the evening part. It just seems to me a way of getting more money/gifts with a reduced outlay.
Don't go. Not because of a birthday, but because it's too inconvenient.

team wedding- people don't always celebrate their birthday on the day - and surely childcare would mean you couldn't go out anyway so would be pretty low key
I can't actually remember what i did on my 30th- i can remember my friends weddings though!

if it is a church ceremony surely that is open to everyone?

we did that, went to church ceremony then evening do, but that was our choice and we were childless

She's not invited to 100% of the wedding though, is she?

I think he is being childish.

I would be VERy upset if a friend failed to come to my wedding because of any birthday - unless it was a big pre-arranged party.

However - they have 'only' invited you for the evening therefore I think you are not the top guest! so you are free to decline.

I think this is the issue. Imagine travelling all that way and you're not even invited to the meal.
What are they supposed to do between the ceremony and the evening event?

I found I missed out on a number of special events around my own 30th birthday as my daughter was a baby. Looking back I wish I'd made more effort. If you can get a babysitter I'd view it as a lovely night/weekend away just you and your partner and have a nice time at the evening reception. But if your partner is going to be moody about it then i guess not? I like to spread out my big birthday celebrations over a number of weekends (months 😉) though. You could have a family party at home the weekend before or after really. Remind your fiancé that if you turn this down he can never bin off your birthdays to go to a stag do etc. Worth thinking longterm. I'm 50 next year and haven't been invited to a wedding for at least 10 years 🤷‍♀️

For me, it’s the childcare and travelling issues. It’s just not practical.

“Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2024 17:42

He wants to spend his birthday with his kids and family. You and parents
The wedding is hours away and to make it worse you have to feed yourself and entertain for 3hrs and no kids
So I would decline the wedding invite”

This.

Birthday - what clinches it for me is that you're not invited to the whole wedding. There's nothing wrong with this; the B&G can organise the day however they want, but it shows you're not regarded as critical to the success of the day so you need feel no guilt about declining, whereas your fiancé clearly does regard you as critical to the success of his day.

I think she is very rude expecting you to travel 3 hours and not inviting you to the meal.

That being said, I also think your DP is being selfish. Birthdays happen every year whereas weddings come along very seldom.

You say all he wants is a family party at home. Surely that can happen even if you attend the wedding ceremony. You say you will get home about 6 or 7so the party can take place in the early evening. After all if his birthday fell on a work/school day you wouldn't be spending the whole day together. That way you get to celebrate your both your friend's marriage and his birthday.

Or come home in the evening, have a cosy romantic evening together and have his party on the Sunday.

The no food is crazy!

Are guests who can’t get to eat still expected to bring gifts?
Cheeky!

I would be sorry to miss the wedding & I would send a gift & a card but my fiancé's 30th birthday would take priority. Nowadays it's a special one similar to an 18th or 21st. He wants to spend the whole day & evening celebrating & making memories with his family which is totally understandable.

Even without the birthday, I wouldn't organise child care & drive 3 hours each way for a partial invitation that doesn't include being invited to the meal.

Family First~

I'd do your fiance's 30th and miss the wedding.