30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

Well we have different standards then as I would never want a friend to expect me to drive 3 hours and bear all the cost of being a wedding guest and then not even feed me and expect me to sod off for half the day. I expect better from my friendships 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't miss a wedding for a birthday nor would I expect my partner to.

Saying that I also wouldn't travel 3 hours to a wedding where I wasn't invited to the meal. You are essentially a night guest.

On this occasion I would skip the wedding but more because of the invite type than fiancé's birthday. I also wouldn't give that As an excuse as it is a poor one.

presumably go to the bar? Back to your hotel? Lots of options.

@Mumtobabyhavoc I think that's a very good point. If this was a post saying I really want to spend my 30th birthday with my husband, kids and family at home but husband has been invited to a work colleagues wedding and has suggested he goes and I spend my birthday at home with kids then I'm sure the replies would be very different and a lot of posters wouldn't be calling her childish.

So you can’t take your kids, it’s 3 hours away and you don’t even get a meal … so have to find somewhere in the 3 hours “break” to eat and then get back for the evening. Doesn’t sound like she bothered that much whether you go on not tbh … if give it a miss.

Invited to a wedding with no kids and you have little ones, where you’re not allowed at the wedding breakfast…? You’re not really a priority here.

Your friend is showing you that you're not really that important by saying even though you've travelled for 3 hours to be here we're not going to feed you! I'm team birthday

it is basically an evening invitation.
as long as you dont have mutual friends, i would favour the birthday

The only event more important than my partner’s birthday would be our wedding day. I wouldn’t go to the wedding.

It's a work colleague!

I’d go to the ceremony with kids and partner then celebrate the 30th over that way and not go to the night do. Book a hotel that way.x

If it wasn't for the fact you're not invited to the wedding breakfast, I would have said go and have a nice child free night away. After all you could celebrate his birthday the next day.

But I can't believe anyone would expect someone to go to the ceremony and try em return for the evening meal so in that case I'd stick with yourr finances birthday and send a nice card instead.

The kids aren't invited

Unless you had a big 30th party already planned then I think wedding trumps birthday, it’s a bit weird to not attend the wedding just because it’s the same date as a birthday if you’re just going to be going out for a quiet lunch etc.

However, the fact that you’re expected to travel 3 hours and you’re not even invited to the wedding breakfast changes this for me - I don’t think I would go to this wedding even if I didn’t have a birthday! Such an odd money saving set up and a big ask for guests.

Unless the wedding is in a particularly amazing location that you would want to visit and explore anyway, this would be a no from me. But appreciate your friend might be offended if your only reason is “birthday” - perhaps you could say you’ll be away because it’s his birthday?

It really doesn't matter either way, so just do what you fancy. It's rather pathetic the DP can't have his birthday celebration on a different weekend. Not an issue to miss a wedding though, or only attend the service, or only attend the evening; it sounds like she's an acquaintance rather than a friend anyway.

I do agree she's been very cheeky to leave you out of the wedding breakfast BTW, that would sway me towards no wedding.

I'd RSVP no based on the fact the bride has invited you to the ceremony and party but not the meal, wtf? I appreciate costs are high but this is ridiculous imo. What does she expect the guests to do!! Especially when you would have to travel so far. Also you have a baby who's only a few months old and are breastfeeding and they can't go with you, this would be a big no from me.

So many reasons to decline, including your partners 30th birthday and he doesn't want to go.

I'd decline the invite without a doubt. The bride doesn't seem very considerate to her guests tbh!

You aren't invited to the whole thing, just the ceremony and the reception, so you are in effect just an evening guest who gets to watch the ceremony. For this you have to travel 3 hours and leave your children. Spend the day with your family. I won't travel that far if I'm just invited to an evening do at the best of times.

I wouldn’t attend a wedding 3 hours away where I was invited to the ceremony and the party. It’s tacky and rude. I understand evening only invites but that is ridiculous. Go enjoy your boyfriend’s 30th birthday.

I was in a somewhat similar situation (but minus the children, which is obviously a crucial difference) and decided that a close friend‘s wedding was more important than celebrating my 30th birthday on the date I was actually born.

I was very happy with that decision. But that was my decision.

You would not be unreasonable to decline the invitation in this situation (imo).

I'm with other posters. If you were invited to the full wedding, then a wedding trumps a 30th birthday.

However you've only been invited to the ceremony and the evening do- hard no to that, especially on your partner's birthday!

I would decline the invitation as a) it is your fiancé's 30th and b) you have to travel 3 hours to attend as an evening guest.

My husband and I would happily attend a wedding on our birthdays, even our 30th and move a celebration to the weekend before or after, so at first that was my response. But when I read that you have to find childcare for small children (I'm not against people having child free weddings I would have had one as well but we eloped instead and we were childless at the time 🤣) but it's quite hard to organise this especially if you don't have people to look after them. I then read how far it was and so it would probably mean an overnight, again hard to organise with small children who aren't attending. Then I read how she isn't even feeding you and you've to attend the ceremony, entertain yourself for three hours and then come back for the party? No. This is when I change my mind and say don't go and do the birthday instead!

I'd celebrate the birthday the next weekend. But that's just me.

I didn’t attend a friends wedding as it clashed with my husbands 30th birthday. She wasn’t very happy to be honest but I think it’s a difficult situation and I think you probably have to prioritise your immediate family. I think it would be more difficult to miss the wedding if it was a family member or if you were part of the wedding party but if that’s not the case then I think the 30th birthday of a husband takes priority. Both are one off events.

I think your fiance is being a little bit selfish here - he could celebrate the day before or day after no, if it’s a close friend getting married? I wouldn’t think twice if a close friend of my DH was getting married on my birthday, as I know we would still do something nice.

Why were you “shocked” she planned it that day - I wouldn’t expect all my friends to know my DH birthday even after 15 years together!

HOWEVER she is being very unreasonable expecting you to travel 3 hours, leave your children and loiter around for hours while you wait for her family to have a delicious meal. So for that reason alone, it would be a hard no from me.