30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

I wouldn't go to a wedding three hours away if was only an evening guest. The birthday is even more reason not to go.

I'd go to the wedding. You don't have to celebrate your birthday on the day itself.

That’s what I was thinking.

ive never heard of people being invited to the service but not the meal.

I would decline too, but expect it to impact the friendship. Very tricky situation, but I would put my dp first in your position.

Family tend to be around much longer than friends. You will find as you get older many of the friends you have when you are younger fall away and some don't even recognise you when you pass them in the street in years to come.

The bride and groom won’t care if you aren’t there. My DC missed my niece wedding as they had A levels coming up and didn’t want to miss any school.

Niece didn’t mind as all her main friends who she’s closer to were there for her.

I agree with this. She also made an entire big hoopla about her 30th so she'll be a massive hypocrite to complain about you doing the same.

I wouldnt go. Not only due to the birthday but also due to the difficult logistics she has made

It was a thing back in the 90s/ early 2000s. My dsis did it in 1994 and I did in 2000.

You're not that good a friend and not that important to the bride, otherwise you wouldn't be left out in the cold during the meal after making a 6hr round trip, taking overnight accommodation, and arranging childcare. The meal should be for anyone that's invited to the ceremony and the evening, sending out split-shift invites is just cheap.

I agree. I don’t get it when adults want a big fuss on their birthday. When I was younger it was a good excuse for a knees up, but I never felt the need to be the centre of that. Now I’d be sad if key people forgot but don’t need a big celebration or anything.

I think the fiancé should just have his day the next day. They would have a lovely evening anyway.

I also feel like it’s cheeky to invite for the ceremony and evening do but not the wedding breakfast. Especially as it involves travel, outfit, present, childcare costs etc.

Normally I would say that a wedding trumps a birthday (even a big one) because unless there's already a party arranged, the birthday can be celebrated another day.

But with the nature of the invite - leaving you hanging for half the day, no meal, not allowing children - the couple don't seem to be trying too hard to be accommodating.

In this scenario I'd probably skip the wedding, unless it was an extremely important close friend.

I'd find this scenario really stressful.

It's very rude of your friend to invite you to the whole wedding with exception of wedding breakfast, particularly as it's a 6 hour round trip and your young baby is not invited.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

YANBU to not attend.

A no brainer surely? The birthday takes priority.

You’re not even invited to the whole event despite having to travel some distance to attend plus no children??

N’ah, it would be a ‘thanks but I’ve got plans’ from me, even if I didn’t have any. I wouldn’t bother sending a gift either, just a card.

Hmm, when I read the heading I first thought, wedding obvs. However the circumstances are clearly telling me that the wedding arrangements are detrimental to your family even without the birthday. So no, don't go to the wedding, plan a lovely family birthday event that works for you all instead.

I think, on balance, I agree. But OP make sure this isn’t a pattern of behaviour with your fiancé wanting you to miss things with friends and priories him.

I’d choose a wedding over a 30th birthday, which I don’t see as a particularly big deal. However, if you’ve got small children and it’s a child-free wedding some distance away I think that would be a perfectly valid reason to decline.

OP. This is a doozy. I’ve changed my mind from Wedding to Birthday but only because the friend has basically made it really hard and costly, by not inviting you to the meal. she is not making it easy and it suggests your presence isn’t key to her big day.

But I’d want to avoid setting a precedent that his wants and wishes trump yours and I’d be watching for red flags around other times he wants you to skip your social stuff and be with him.

No one cares about their friend partner's birthday and I don't know why you'd think they would. But the setup sounds like it won't work for you so no reason to go. I wouldn't mention the birthday though as that's just silly.

Can’t believe that you get invited to the wedding, but not the meal, and then the evening do !!

But my friend invited me and a lot of others to the reception but not the actual wedding ceremony ( reception food was the worst too, and went onto to the evening, so lots of drink and we had to get a takeaway on the way home )
I wouldn’t be bothered about a 30th birthday, as you have a birthday every year.

This!

What a strange invite.

Your friend might not have known she had chosen your fiancés birthday as her wedding day BUT :

• *she knows where you live,

she knows you have two small children

and has STILL invited you to a childfree wedding, miles and hours from home and with a huge gap in the middle of the bits you are invited too.

I think she sent the invitation knowing full well you were unlikely to say yes please because of your circumstances but hoping you will fork out for a wedding present.

I would have no qualms about responding saying thank you for the invitation, hope you have a lovely day but unfortunately we are unable to attend, look forward to catching up with you later to hear all about your special day.

No need to give a reason, or imo send a present, though I would send a card nearer the day.

I'd prioritise his birthday in these circumstances.

Is this a new thing, get people to travel miles to attend the ceremony then hang around for hours until the night do?

Your friend is a bit of a twat to expect you to pay for a babysitter and travel 3 hours to their wedding, only to not feed you and expect you to entertain yourselves for 3 hours! She's not a very good friend if she expects that.

I can’t believe they are not giving their guests a meal given the distances. Where are they expected to go between the ceremony and the evening reception? On that basis alone it would be a hard no from me.