30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

So she wants you to travel 3 hours for the ceremony, then bugger off whilst they have the wedding breakfast but come back for the evening do? Lol, I would be declining based on this alone. It's a glorified evening invite and I wouldn't travel 3 hours for an evening invite

Team birthday! You’re not invited to the whole day even !

I would choose the wedding if it's a close friend, as it's only a birthday. At the same time, it's his birthday and not his friend's wedding. It's up to him to decide what he wants.

He wants to spend his birthday with his kids and family. You and parents

The wedding is hours away and to make it worse you have to feed yourself and entertain for 3hrs and no kids

So I would decline the wedding invite

It's an invite not a summons

Always wanted to write that 😂😂

It’s 3 hours away and she isn’t invited to the whole wedding. It barely qualifies as an invitation. The birthday doesn’t even enter into the equation for declining.

I'm team wedding as it's totally normal to celebrate a birthday on a different date, even kids have to accommodate that.

It's a bit of a shame as being a 'big' one and falling on a Saturday, your fiancé's birthday was nicely geared up for a 'birthday on your birthday' celebration but it's by no means essential (it's obviously 2/7 chance it would fall on a weekend anyway so most birthdays you'd not be doing anything on the real birthday anyway), just do it properly on the next weekend. Go to the wedding, get babysitters and have a special meal just the two of you in the middle for the 'birthday' bit.

Clearly opinions are split here so there's no major scandal to be had, just a decision to make.

Wedding. You can celebrate the birthday another day. Friend was probably around before DH was and she would be there if relationship went wrong. Too many people drop friends way down their list when they have a partner then are surprised that the friends aren't there when things go wrong.

If you'd been invited all day I'd say wedding - but not just for the evening (and ceremony).

Maybe we’re different, and we generally don’t make a fuss of birthdays but we do go all out for big birthdays. Usually we have a big party or go abroad and cross something off the bucket list. I’d be miffed if I’d waited ten years for that, only to be told that we couldn’t celebrate because we’d had an evening-only invite to a wedding that was three hours drive away, and I couldn’t take my children.

If I was making that kind of sacrifice I’d at least expect a meal for my efforts. The fact that it is an evening-only invite suggests it’s not a particularly close friend.

Reading your updates, I think you should decline the wedding invite. If you turn this around, would she come to your wedding if it landed on a special birthday of hers or her partners? Judging what she did for her own 30th, probably not.

I'm shocked at people prioritising the 30th birthday - celebrate it the next day, who cares, the wedding should only be a one off thing.

You could go out for a nice meal for his 30th in between if he wants!

I think the break in the middle is ideal.. have lunch in a special restaurant and then
on to the evening party.

If it’s a good friend, a wedding absolutely takes priority over a partners 30th birthday. What a selfish baby he is not to see that himself.

Good friends deserve dinner imo...

YANU not to go if travel and childcare are an issue but the birthday can be celebrated any day

I wouldn't consider you a 'very good' friend if you didn't invite children. You're well in your rights to have a child free wedding, but that also means guests are well in their rights to decline the invite. You sound really self-centred and childish if you'd throw a tantrum and bin a friend's card. Pathetic.

Team wedding, if she’s a good friend and you would ordinarily want to go. Your fiancé sounds rather controlling.

Team fiance. Put him first.

I would decline.

For a different birthday I'd go to the wedding, but for a big milestone birthday of your partner, your partner comes above your friends, that's the point of a marriage.

3 hours travelling but you’re only invited to ceremony and evening - nope! She wants you to fill up the venue but not pay for you. I’d definitely pick the fiancé’s birthday.

Just say no to the wedding. You're not properly invited. Sack it off.

How about this:

It's my 30th birthday in a few months. I really want a lovely family party with my fiance, our two young dc, our siblings and our parents at our home. I'm not one for clubs and ott celebrations with a lot of spotlight on me in public and I don't need grand gestures, so this would make it special for me.
My fiance's work mate is getting married on the same day (it's a Saturday) and we've been invited to the afternoon ceremony and the evening do (not the meal). The wedding is 3 hours away and children aren't invited.
Should I arrange childcare for our dc so I am able to accompany my fiance or tell him to go alone?
It's my special birthday and I've been looking forward to the celebration with all of us together. It would be rather anti-climactic to celebrate it on another day.

AIBU to want my fiance to choose me instead of his mate's wedding?

It’s 3 hours away, your kids are not invited and you are an evening guest. I am not sure I’d go even without the birthday.

Exactly. The birthday isn't even in the equation.