I'm different! Help

[PleaseDontBeMean]

Generally I think differently to most people I know and usually differently to the majority.

For example (please please don't berrate me for this....) I voted leave and everyone I know, listen to, and care about voted remain. This kind of difference pervades my life.

I also often pick up on different aspects of an idea in a conversation or on a Mumsnet post, to most people, which some might think misses the point (eg. 'Jade was visiting her elderly parent when she broke down on the motorway. Recovery vehicle took 6 hours to arrive. Should she complain?' I might say - 'hope the elderly mum was ok'. Or 'next time might be helpful if she could check her car is working/has enough fuel etc.. before travelling'.)

Now, in normal everyday life, my different views and ways of seeing the world don't really impact me or anyone else. I spend a lot of time on my own which I enjoy! I have good friends, a wonderful DH and children, and lovely colleagues. In company when I disagree with someone I usually just smile and nod along with them because I don't want people to hate me for my views. I'm ok with this. I have lovely friends etc.. and I like to just listen, support them and absorb what they say and am happy not to give an opinion. I reflect on their thoughts later, sometimes I change my own views, sometimes I don't.

However, on Mumsnet it's a massive problem! On lots of posts I tend to disagree with the majority opinion. But when I express my opinions I get horrible responses like 'you r ignorant, you r uneducated, you area f*!ing this or that' or people will hound me off the thread or get me so mixed up that I accidentally phrase something badly and then it's 'see, the poster is horrible/showing her true colours/evil/nasty/only here to troll/should be hung/....'

So question - if you were me, what would you do?

Would you just stop contributing on Mumsnet? (I sort of don't want to do this, because I like to give my opinion and join in like everyone else! but maybe I should just accept I can't!)

What tips can you give me so that when/if I do contribute an idea that is different or opposes the majority on a thread, it doesn't come across as trolling, passive-aggressive, or insincere?? (things I get accused of often!)??

(I don't think I'm ignorant or uneducated as I'm often accused of. I have an IQ in the MENSA range so I do understand various arguments and political ideas on the whole! Its possible I may be neurodiverse, I dont know (but I'm not interested in getting myself a diagnosis just to understand why I think differently as I'm happy enough in my normal life).

I just wish I could give my opinions on Mumsnet without being hounded and criticised and people thinking I'm a troll. I actually find this a good space to offer my opinions and views because I do like to hear them challenged as it makes me think and sometimes it does actually change my views. But maybe for my own MH I should stop? It does get me down when people ultimately conclude I'm nasty/piece of shit/trolling as I start to question if this is true. I don't think it is true though as I would do anything for anyone and I think I'm overall quite nice! but when you get told it in writing it does make you worry and feel sad!

In everyday life off the internet my golden rule is if it dosent concern me or have an impact on me then I don't care and I won't comment . For example to tell someone you are chatting to that they should have checked their car before travelling will just set their back up even though you are right . So it's best just to say nothing . If I had have been in that car or her being late affected me then yes I would say something .

Thanks Mulberry

I agree. I don't comment or express my views in real life. It's easier...

Do you have any tips for whether I should just not express my views on Mumsnet too? Or if I do, how to do it in a way that doesn't upset anyone or lead me to be called a troll??

Thanks :)

On the internet though, why does it matter unless you are being truly hateful etc. All you are doing is disagreeing with strangers who you will never know and will have forgotten the thread very quickly.

Can you give an example of a view that has caused you to be hounded on here?

Do you mean it shouldn't matter if people call me ignorant/a troll/a f*!ing this or that'? Maybe that's a good point and I'm taking it too personally.

I guess you r right, it doesn't matter what other people think. But it would be nice to be able to express opposing views without people being mean and me ending up feeling like the worst human in the world! I also HATE people feeling offended by me, even though I never ever intend it.

On an online forum, as long as you aren't very sensitive, just say whatever you like/think. It's anonymous and half the scenarios are probably made up anyway. It makes for much more interesting reading if not everyone thinks the same.

Well if you voted leave then clearly you think like the majority or we would still be part of the EU.
I find MN quite left wing; so if you disagree with any posters they can be very vocal and nasty putting you down which actually is very strange considering they are supposed to be the caring party.
Just remember op you are entitled to your opinions whatever other posters say and there are probably large swaths of MN who actually agree with you.

I'd rather not because I fear where it will go! But I guess, as an example which is less close to us now, a few years ago I did express my views in favour of 'leave' (Brexit) and that did not end well (I believe I was called troll, ignorant, uneducated, racist etc.. among many other things. I don't believe I'm any of those things. I just had a different political opinion (which in case anyone was wondering, was not in any way motivated by arguments around immigration policy, lies written on a bus, or racist views).

You choose not to express your views in real life, but you feel free to express yourself freely on here, presumably because it's an anonymous forum.

The thing is, other people will also feel more free to express their views for the same reasons. That might include expressing the view that you're ignorant or whatever, which people would usually be too polite to say in RL, even if they privately thought it.

I think only you can decide whether or not the free exchange of views online is worth the potential impact on your emotional wellbeing if people criticise your posts. If you're finding it upsetting, then maybe pull back for a while...

Thank you. That makes me feel a bit better!

Having opposing views isn’t an issue (for myself). I was/am very much a remainer, but I’ve read views from the other side that I don’t wholly disagree with. It’s ’Britain for the British’ type views that grind my gears, that evidently comes from a place of ignorance of our very history. I’m usually politically centrist left but also openly said on here that I voted Tory last election, obviously had many negative replies but for those who care to discuss I was and am happy to say why.

However, if you’re constantly getting replies that feel that you’re being attacked, it may be because you’re reading as antagonistic or very ‘black and white’ in your view. It may be that you’re ND and have that way of looking at the world, but there is the old saying that ‘if you feel every one else is the problem, it may actually be you’.

If you post opinions on here you should expect some disagreement and in light of that be prepared to either reflect on your views and acknowledge the other poster had a point, or explain further to defend your own views. Or frankly, what's the point of being on a discussion forum? You might just as well join a special interest forum where you will only encounter the like minded. You shouldn't be personally abused for your views or called names, and are supposed to report posts where that happens. But I think it needs to be remembered that when we post controversial views, somewhere out there someone will be likely to have an emotional reaction because it touches their own lives. They will then respond to you at times with their emotion overcoming their manners.

If I think things are getting too heated or I'm being piled on I just change my user name and hide the thread . Job done and move on .

Thanks! Have you got any advice on phrases I could use to demonstrate to others that I'm not a troll or being black and white? I do think I annoy people on Mumsnet but I honestly don't know how to sound sincere in my views and that I'm I'm not giving a different view to be intentionally trolling! I've tried 'i genuinely think that...' but people HATE that and it makes it worse!!

If you were opening your post with an opposing view what would you say to sound least threatening and as nice as possible???

Yeah, good points. Thanks.

OP, I think the 'hope mother is ok' post is the kind of thing that people get irritated by because, as you seem to acknowledge, it's not really the point. It derails the discussion, and people get annoyed by that. It can feel like trolling I think. If I were you I would avoid posting those things, or perhaps tack it on to another point which does address the issue?

When it comes to political views I think MN has become much less liberal in the last few years, and all positions are represented here, so I don't think you should refrain from expressing your views. But you might have to accept that, particularly in the current polarised climate, doing so risks angering others and you will need to develop a tough skin and get into the habit of shrugging it off.

Maybe mark or follow posts and come back to it half an hour later to see whether you still feel as strongly. Avoid some of the more argumentative boards such as AIBU. Couch terms more in way of an inquiry ... I am intrigued why you say X. rather than you were wrong to say X.

Maybe go for a month or so - perhaps up to Christmas just looking at the lighter side of MN before going back to the more vipery aspects.

Thanks. That's all really helpful

Thanks. Good tips and I think I do need to toughen up a bit of I'm going to post an opposing view.

(this is quite a therapeutic thread because I'm agreeing with everyone! Which makes a nice change!! 😉) thanks all for the tips so far.

Anymore tips of sentences or phrases I can use to show I genuinely mean what I say and am not trolling would be helpful if anyone can think of any? Thank you in advance

I might say - 'hope the elderly mum was ok'. Or 'next time might be helpful if she could check her car is working/has enough fuel etc.. before travelling
I mean, the first is just kind of meaningless fluff so I would just skip by it. It's not offensive, but just not the subject of the thread of relevant to what was being asked. If it feels almost like virtue signalling, like you're trying to make a point that you're so much more thoughtful than the rest of the people posting. Unless you know that person, I doubt you really have much interest in the answer anyway.

The second one just comes off as patronising.

Honestly I kind of live by the rule that if you run into problems with so many people you meet, it's highly likely you are the problem.

I agree I am the problem! I'm just trying to figure out what to do about it :)

Your example of the person breaking down isn't an opposing view, its a compleatly pointless statement that doesn't contribute at all to the OPs question. Maybe have a think about what you got out of saying it, its quite likely to be some kind of satisfaction from either being 'right" or showing you are 'thinking outside the box'.

As for voting leave, mumsnet was very much towards remain and as its an anonymous forum people have exactly the same lack of inhibitons posting as you do.

https://politicalcompass.org/test

Here's a link to a test/quiz that plots where you are on the 'political compass' as they describe it. How far left/right and authority seeking/whatever the opposite of that is.

It's quite old and the website is a bit clunky but the questions are rather interesting. It's not a completely daft quiz like, "Who's is your spirit animal" or that kind of nonsense and you might enjoy it.

I think it helps to use softeners, avoid being too dogmatic, use I language and always explain yourself. So "I voted leave because on balance I thought it best because..." is better than "Remainers must be stupid if they couldn't see why leave was the right thing" You are basically offering and justifying your position rather than trying to discredit the oppposing one.