I'm different! Help

[PleaseDontBeMean]

Generally I think differently to most people I know and usually differently to the majority.

For example (please please don't berrate me for this....) I voted leave and everyone I know, listen to, and care about voted remain. This kind of difference pervades my life.

I also often pick up on different aspects of an idea in a conversation or on a Mumsnet post, to most people, which some might think misses the point (eg. 'Jade was visiting her elderly parent when she broke down on the motorway. Recovery vehicle took 6 hours to arrive. Should she complain?' I might say - 'hope the elderly mum was ok'. Or 'next time might be helpful if she could check her car is working/has enough fuel etc.. before travelling'.)

Now, in normal everyday life, my different views and ways of seeing the world don't really impact me or anyone else. I spend a lot of time on my own which I enjoy! I have good friends, a wonderful DH and children, and lovely colleagues. In company when I disagree with someone I usually just smile and nod along with them because I don't want people to hate me for my views. I'm ok with this. I have lovely friends etc.. and I like to just listen, support them and absorb what they say and am happy not to give an opinion. I reflect on their thoughts later, sometimes I change my own views, sometimes I don't.

However, on Mumsnet it's a massive problem! On lots of posts I tend to disagree with the majority opinion. But when I express my opinions I get horrible responses like 'you r ignorant, you r uneducated, you area f*!ing this or that' or people will hound me off the thread or get me so mixed up that I accidentally phrase something badly and then it's 'see, the poster is horrible/showing her true colours/evil/nasty/only here to troll/should be hung/....'

So question - if you were me, what would you do?

Would you just stop contributing on Mumsnet? (I sort of don't want to do this, because I like to give my opinion and join in like everyone else! but maybe I should just accept I can't!)

What tips can you give me so that when/if I do contribute an idea that is different or opposes the majority on a thread, it doesn't come across as trolling, passive-aggressive, or insincere?? (things I get accused of often!)??

(I don't think I'm ignorant or uneducated as I'm often accused of. I have an IQ in the MENSA range so I do understand various arguments and political ideas on the whole! Its possible I may be neurodiverse, I dont know (but I'm not interested in getting myself a diagnosis just to understand why I think differently as I'm happy enough in my normal life).

I just wish I could give my opinions on Mumsnet without being hounded and criticised and people thinking I'm a troll. I actually find this a good space to offer my opinions and views because I do like to hear them challenged as it makes me think and sometimes it does actually change my views. But maybe for my own MH I should stop? It does get me down when people ultimately conclude I'm nasty/piece of shit/trolling as I start to question if this is true. I don't think it is true though as I would do anything for anyone and I think I'm overall quite nice! but when you get told it in writing it does make you worry and feel sad!

I know, I'm so sorry I'm not giving examples but if I do I feel this thread will derail and everyone will tell me how horrible I am, and I haven't got the mental strength for that today. I'm sorry.

It's already been hard exposing on this thread that I voted leave as already I fear a derail into me having to justify that, or people starting to make assumptions about me.... and I've already given my position on it in the past at length, very carefully and with lots of effort to sound as least threatening as possible, but it didn't go well because lots of people just don't like the view and subsequently showed through v harsh language that they don't like me..

I used to get really upset if I felt people were horrible to me online or if they disagreed with me violently and would be all rushing to reply in a way to assure them I was a nice person really. These days I just think 'It's just a person online' and move on. I don't justify myself to anyone, I just leave it.

MN is a huge site, I don't even expect someone who vehemently disagreed with me on one thread to remember who I am on another one. It's some person online, you'll never meet them, you probably won't even remember one another between threads. So, y'know, you do you, but you may just have to take criticism on the chin.

I don't think you should be using very emotive issues like Brexit or abortion or the Trump presidency as examples of you being piled on either. YOu keep coming back to that. The reality is that Brexit was a massive issue. Inearly lost my best friend over it. I know loads of people in real life whose lives were intrisncially changed and who don't feel the same way about the people around them, their communities etc. So yes, in certain situations (often on MN) if you're a Leave voter, you're going to get very dismissive answers. That may well not be fair, but it is what it is.

I'm far more interested in all this abuse you supposedly get on regular threads about car break downs, buying new jumpers or whether or not a new man is displaying red flag behaviour.

After you type a response, re read it and ask yourself 'does this actually answer the question the OP asked?' Your comment about checking the car before you leave has nothing to do with the question asked, which is about claiming compensation.

Also MN is very left leaning. Any comment that supports the Conservatives or Leave will be jumped on in the worst way.

Unfortunately there is no nuance in debate anymore, OP. I'm a socialist liberal lefty, but I do not think everyone who voted Brexit is racist and ignorant. Brexit (and indeed many current right wing populist views) at its core is an issue arising from social inequality. Brexit is far more complex than the idea that everyone who voted leave is racist.

Unless you are expressing views that are outright racist/vile (such as the 'shoot the boats' crowd) which should obviously be called out, it's a waste of breath trying to have a discussion with people who default to name calling. If someone can't discuss something without being rude/hostile, then they've already lost the argument. I know you said your views weren't based on immigration, but to keep to that example, saying something like 'I think the amount of immigration in this country is having a detrimental impact on some communities, and that as a collective countries in Europe should discuss ways to deal with the situation' is fine, Vs 'refugees are coming over here and scrounging off the system and all need deporting to Rwanda' type statements.

We live in very politically charged times, and people are angry. That's partly why you'll get push back. But, as long as you're polite, and your opinion is well thought out, don't feel like you can't express it. Just don't engage with people calling you an idiot. And I say this as a die hard woke millennial. No one hates right wing views more than me, and I think voting leave was a catastrophic decision. But, I believe everyone has a right to share their views in a civil manner. As long as you listen to the other side and treat each other with empathy, it's fine to share some opposing political views.

As for real life, you can't ignore people or block them like you can on the internet, so politics are beat avoided. I only talk politics with people I know are capable of discussing them sensibly, or with people who share the same views. And as for other topics, I just live by 'if you don't have anything nice to say, be quiet'. Being kind costs nothing.

I empathise OP as I'm very different as well. I'm known for being eccentric/odd in terms of the way I speak, my interests, etc,.and I'm known for having what your average Joe would see as 'far left' political opinions. I definitely think I am autistic, but who knows. It sounds like you have friends etc and a lovely life. Focus on that.

I don't think you need to fix anything for simply having different views on an online forum.

Firstly op if people are calling you names etc., perhaps it reflects on THEM not YOU. You aren't responsible for how people react to you.

Secondly, I'd suggest just re-reading it or giving yourself a moment before you press send. I often type out a reply and then don't send it because I realise it's not helpful/ already been said etc

Finally, re the old lady, a post that just says "what about the old lady??" feels like an admonishment but I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with "gosh, that sounds hard, I hope you and your Mom were ok". If people want to come and post that you're derailing the thread, then reflect on the fact that they're derailing it more with pulling attention to your post that you did sending it. So I'd just ignore them

It's very difficult to say much without specific examples, OP. It could simply be the case that others find some of your views offensive, and expressing them in a different way isn't going to change that.

You have a right to hold views that others find offensive, of course. But equally, others have the right to say that they are offended by those views.

There will always be disagreements and differences of opinion. I guess the question is whether or not this really matters.

Have you tried engaging with the other posters to try and understand their perspective. E.g. if someone calls you racist and you don't think you are, have you actually asked them what makes them think that?

I would say maybe in real life start airing your views a bit more, I don’t mean going into a political rant or anything but just start off with less divisive topics. I think you will come across as more genuine if you share your opinions, I find it hard to connect with people who never share an opinion on things and ‘fence sit’, it’s as though they are putting on a false front because they want to people please. Once you get the hang of it in real life then you can apply it online, learning how best to phrase things to your audience, sharing your opinions without causing offence etc

No, I really do get piled on and so so many (horrible) words have been used to describe me. I never swear on Mumsnet, ever (unless I say for example, 'i had a shit day') but I would never swear at someone (eg. 'you're a f*!ing this or that') and I do try to wrap things up carefully, and try so hard to be polite and not piss people off, but people just don't like my views. I know I'm different and I do have many views that people don't like so I don't know how to express them (or even if I should) without them also implying other things about me or people just hating me or thinking I'm being goady (whatever that even is)

Thank you for your really nice post

It is starting to seem that what you really want from this thread is for like minded leave voters to come along and tell you to ignore the nasty MN lefties, because they are always so rude and intolerant and it's not you, it's them. If so, then those posts have started to trickle in so you should feel better soon! There are a lot of people on here who share your views. I'm surprised you haven't seen them.

If lots of your views go against the grain of the majority do you know and understand why others don't like them?

Where do you get these entirely out of kilter opinions from - social media, newspaper, your own critical thinking?

Most people get the occasional pile on but to have it happen so regularly seems unusual. The only places I could see that happening is if you regularly go on the Feminism boards and declare TWAW in which case it's not surprising and you should know your audience.

This is probably going to make you feel like i'm one of those posters who picks on you, but I'm still finding it hard to believe. Can you pick ONE thread, in the last few weeks, where this happened and show us that thread? Please don't pick a subject that is heavily emotive (ie mostly politics).

Or, look at page 3 of your "threads I'm on" and count how many threads, over what time period, this happened to you so we can get a sense of the scope? Or even pick random sentences and phrases from those threads to demonstrate.

People don't have to like your views. And if you express views that they find offensive or morally reprehensible, then obviously they will infer things about your character from those views. Isn't that normal?

Or perhaps you routinely post only on highly emotive topics?

I mean, I've taken a fair bit of abuse over the years when I've talked about white privilege. There are a LOT of people on MN who don't believe in it and get very upest about it. That's okay, I get that. But I'm not going to be surprised, or take it personally when those threads get heated.

Hi thanks. No, that's not what I want. I just really want to know how to phrase my views so as not to be called horrible things in return. I think I'm phrasing things wrong sometimes, or that there is a way to make it clear that I'm not trolling, which I'm missing.

I'm more than happy, in fact I like it when people disagree with my views and I enjoy learning about opposing views and having my views challenged. That's partly why I don't want to stop posting on Mumsnet. It's just that I find it often moves from.'i think this', 'i have a different view' to 'you are ignorant you f*!ing xyz' or 'clearly goady/a troll/etc..'

You weren’t ‘ in the minority’ re Brexit , though. A clear majority of British voters agreed with you. Just because the minority shout loudly ( and often rudely) at you, doesn’t mean you are wrong, or even that most people don’t share your opinion.

See also: US election result 2024

I've never been on the feminism board (I'm more likely to be accused of sexism) and don't know what twaw is, so I guess I don't do that!

I don't know, I think im just wired differently, had a complicated upbringing. My husband puts up with me though :)

It's quite fun...I'm very 'in the middle!'

Boringly so!

Ah I have the answer to this op. I often disagree with the majority of posters on a thread, although I'm usually just trying to counteract the harshness of the other comments. There are a lot of unempathetic and insensitive people on here. The threads are a bit odd because two very similar OPs can produce completely different answers...it seems to me (after much study!) that people copy and get a bit buoyed up by previous answers and after someone has dared to contradict these, other people will follow. It's group mentality ...pathetic really (and the main cause of hatred and war) but we've evolved to need the approval of our group and most people don't have the self awareness to realise why they're doing what they're doing. Neurodiverse people aren't followers!

You sound as if you have different views to me, but I think it's important to listen to other's views and try to understand why they hold them. You've said that you reflect and often change your view on a subject but sometimes you stick to your view. I think flexibility and lack of dogma shows intelligence.

I personally think that asking for advice on here is a bit risky and ultimately adds to any confusion you already have because no-one understands your situation. They only answer from their own perspective.

But anyway, what I was going to say was just write your comment and run away. I don't know what I get from commenting really...I just get stuck on here because I'm usually too tired to read and then I feel compelled to write. I never go back and look at any replies.

Your issue in the car breakdown example seems to be one of reading comprehension, in that you struggle to identify the point of the post. Not sure what to suggest for you there.

With the rest of it...who cares if people get mad at you on an anonymous forum? You don't need to engage and defend yourself against accusations. Just ignore it. I usually disagree with the majority opinion on AIBU threads (interestingly I usually agree with the poll results but not the comments). I think people come on here looking to pick a fight and maybe you bite when they try it with you.

I'm close to doing so but I'm too scared. You won't like me. You really won't. This will descend into something horrible....

I'd be interested, if I were you, to discover why it bothers you if someone calls you names on MN

Who cares what anon people think about you? Why do you care?

Concentrate on that imo

Thanks hazelLion

I disagree (don’t start a thread about it 🤣). I think the op is looking for responses from people who also struggle with not seeing the world in black and white and feel criticised when they can’t or won’t explain their views further. I think the op is looking for posters to say ‘ah it’s fine to say something highly divisive and not have to explain your point when it has a negative reaction’. What the op actually needs to do is understand that you cannot drop ‘shit bomb statements’ (for lack of better words) then be hurt by angry responses. When it’s a ‘one side or other’ debate, you’re simply going to have to either stand firm or explain in factual terms where you’re coming from.

Too many posters on social media or forums seem to think that either a harsh ‘well that’s what I think so fuck you’, or a wishy washy ‘oh poor me, I’m being attacked!’ is an adequate response. Or worse ‘go educate yourself’ - if someone is so sure their view is right, surely they have the basic facts to hand to defend their view. The op wants to be seen victim of personal views, but without actually explaining their view with balanced and informed evidence it’s difficult to see how they’re not just making inflammatory statements to stir the pot.