I'm different! Help

[PleaseDontBeMean]

Generally I think differently to most people I know and usually differently to the majority.

For example (please please don't berrate me for this....) I voted leave and everyone I know, listen to, and care about voted remain. This kind of difference pervades my life.

I also often pick up on different aspects of an idea in a conversation or on a Mumsnet post, to most people, which some might think misses the point (eg. 'Jade was visiting her elderly parent when she broke down on the motorway. Recovery vehicle took 6 hours to arrive. Should she complain?' I might say - 'hope the elderly mum was ok'. Or 'next time might be helpful if she could check her car is working/has enough fuel etc.. before travelling'.)

Now, in normal everyday life, my different views and ways of seeing the world don't really impact me or anyone else. I spend a lot of time on my own which I enjoy! I have good friends, a wonderful DH and children, and lovely colleagues. In company when I disagree with someone I usually just smile and nod along with them because I don't want people to hate me for my views. I'm ok with this. I have lovely friends etc.. and I like to just listen, support them and absorb what they say and am happy not to give an opinion. I reflect on their thoughts later, sometimes I change my own views, sometimes I don't.

However, on Mumsnet it's a massive problem! On lots of posts I tend to disagree with the majority opinion. But when I express my opinions I get horrible responses like 'you r ignorant, you r uneducated, you area f*!ing this or that' or people will hound me off the thread or get me so mixed up that I accidentally phrase something badly and then it's 'see, the poster is horrible/showing her true colours/evil/nasty/only here to troll/should be hung/....'

So question - if you were me, what would you do?

Would you just stop contributing on Mumsnet? (I sort of don't want to do this, because I like to give my opinion and join in like everyone else! but maybe I should just accept I can't!)

What tips can you give me so that when/if I do contribute an idea that is different or opposes the majority on a thread, it doesn't come across as trolling, passive-aggressive, or insincere?? (things I get accused of often!)??

(I don't think I'm ignorant or uneducated as I'm often accused of. I have an IQ in the MENSA range so I do understand various arguments and political ideas on the whole! Its possible I may be neurodiverse, I dont know (but I'm not interested in getting myself a diagnosis just to understand why I think differently as I'm happy enough in my normal life).

I just wish I could give my opinions on Mumsnet without being hounded and criticised and people thinking I'm a troll. I actually find this a good space to offer my opinions and views because I do like to hear them challenged as it makes me think and sometimes it does actually change my views. But maybe for my own MH I should stop? It does get me down when people ultimately conclude I'm nasty/piece of shit/trolling as I start to question if this is true. I don't think it is true though as I would do anything for anyone and I think I'm overall quite nice! but when you get told it in writing it does make you worry and feel sad!

The brake down in the car thing was an example. I don't say these things or pick out the wrong bits on purpose. That's kind of my point! My brain just doesn't work in the 'right' way and I don't mean to piss people off by picking out the wrong bits to comment on. But clearly I do, so... maybe I just grow a tougher skin or give up bothering to post.

I think it can be a case of asking yourself why you’re saying something. What are you going to achieve? If someone has posted a thread asking advice about whether to buy a certain dress and posts a photo of them in the dress, they want opinions on that. If you reply saying “don’t know about the dress but your hair needs a better style” or something, it’s unsolicited advice. No one wants that.

https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/think-acronym-for-kinder-and-more-effective-communications/

Thanks yeah, I think I'd get the dress one right and respond appropriately. But some posts I just really think are meaning one thing when they are not (in the brake down example, i might for example, have really felt the post was inviting comment about the poor old lady waiting so long since the elderly lady was mentioned and if it was just about the brake down, this isn't necessary info!) Not sure I'm making sense sorry :(!

Thank you!

Or just read the post back before posting and think if its actually useful? Like I said, figure out why you are posting these comments, if its not coming from a good place then don't post.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions so please keep posting.

I think the mistake some posters make is getting onto arguments with people who are clearly here for an argument.

You don’t have to reply at all. Reply to what you want to and ignore anything you can’t be arsed with.

I used to get a pang of anxiety when I first started posting but it wore off with practice.

But do try to keep to the point of the original posters question. It just makes the thread better for everyone.

I’m not sure that convincing people your view is “genuine” is necessarily the lever here - maybe explaining why you have your views, and demonstrating that you can see where others are coming from would help. Getting stuck in a corner of saying “but I really truly think x” isn’t helpful, if people think the opposite - they want to know why you think X, and what it is about the other perspectives that you don’t like.

Also if you find you are often missing the points that others are discussing, take a bit of time to consider what other views might be - it might be obvious to you but what might someone else think?

It sounds like you’re trying to learn to mirror conversation norms rather than understand a ‘back and forth’ conversation (again, a trait of being ND if you suspect you are). Fluid conversation isn’t statements, you can start a thread saying ‘I believe X, Y or Z’, but to reply ‘I genuinely think this’ suggests a demand that your thoughts are the absolute. It’s fine if it’s a ‘hill to die on’ type opinion, but those will always be challenged in a discussion forum.

One thing I find very confusing is that I try reaaaaallly hard not to offend people. I never swear on Mumsnet, I never call people names like ignorant or nasty or evil or uneducated or whatever.

Yet people call me these things often here, usually because they don't like my views.

I don't know how to show people that I have a different view from them, but I'm not the horrible.person they think.i am

...??

(though as pp have pointed out, maybe it really doesn't matter what other people think about me and I should just get a tougher skin!)

Could you link to a thread where you've been called a nasty piece of shit troll for voicing your opinion? Then we could maybe help you see where it went wrong from a specific example. Because usually that sort of response is either reserved for truly offensive posters who know full well what they're doing; or alternatively it's the response of a nasty troll, and they get jumped on quickly with people defending you. So I'm struggling to imagine what you post to get you 'hounded off a thread".

Or is it the case that if I am, say, a 'leave' voter, that simply makes me aborhant and ignorant? So the view is not necessarily separate from the person?

I see what you’re saying! They mention several things in the post but you pick out an inconsequential one to focus on. It is tricky, I think I can be like this sometimes. I have ADHD and I think it comes from rushing to the first thing that pops into my head. I need to slow down and reflect a bit and then it comes together a bit more in my head. I often write a post, message, email etc but I don’t hit “send” straight away. I come back later and re-read and sometimes don’t bother sending, or edit it slightly, after having had time to analyse it a bit in my mind and sort of “brew” the thoughts like a cup of tea.

You keep asking for ‘sentences or phrases’ that will show you’re ‘sincere’, ‘not black and white’ and ‘not trolling’ as if there’s some magic phrase the rest of us know and you don’t. There are none.

If you’re regularly accused of tolling, ignorance or racism because of things you say on here (but, crucially, not in real life), is it possible it’s because this is actually an accurate account of your views?

Thanks. I do need to slow down a bit and reflect before I send. Thanks.

I'm going to try and make a list of a few things to work on, and this is probably one of them!

It depends on your views. If you offer opinions that would typically only be held by a nasty person then obviously people will think that you are nasty. You need to give proper examples.

The internet is filled with bots that exist purely to create division and conflict. If I get a particularly snarky response to something, the type I would expect in highschool, I tend to assume it’s a bot

Again, just saying ‘I am a leave voter’ is going to cause division, especially in the years that have passed and the economy fall out. Many (not all of course) leave voters were on the harder side of right wing politics, and that in itself comes with labels that may not apply to you. It leaves the ball in your court to explain why you came so firmly to your position, and why you were and are so adamant that it was the correct vote.

I am on MN a lot and I honestly almost never see people being piled on and called trolls and ignorant etc. Yes, sure, there's the odd moment and often the person being "attacked" appears to be genuinely goady or just insanely cluless, but it's not a reglar thing so I'm surprised you feel it happens to you a lot.

Are you really getting this sort of abuse or is it just that people often disagree with you and you find that triggering?

I think you should have the courage of your convictions OP. If you're taking an alternative view to everyone else, just own it. All this faux nonsense about "how do I get people to not be mean to me online when I'm voicing patronising/alternative viewpoints" is just Daily Mail sad face.

That’s also fair.

No, it's not accurate.

But, there are some views where other people are convinced two ideas go together (eg. Leave vote = racist) that no matter how carefully I give my views or say what I'm saying, people will make those assumptions.

I don't know if it's a neurodiverse thing or just a me thing, but I'm very honest and say the truth and would admit if asked directly, if I hold a certain inappropriate view. If I was racist, I would say it anonymously online. But I'm not! I can say for certain I'm not racist (but when I say stuff on a thread like 'i really and genuinely am not racist, I just voted leave' people will come back with 'troll' or 'you genuinely are, are you? Like hec...' so I feel really stuck as to how to proceed!!)

I think you are overthinking it! I bet 99% of us on here have been called nasty or a troll etc. Usually by a nasty troll! And sometimes it can be about the most innocuous things. I once got a really hard time on. A thread I started about returning a jumper without a receipt.

Remember, people can say all sorts of things from behind the safety of a keyboard and a username.

Id also rethink your policy about trying not to offend. Somethings you will offend someone . It doesn’t mean you are a bad person . They might just feel particularly sensitive that day or maybe theres a hundred other reasons why they dont like your comments.

Try the Goblin tools website, there are a variety of tools there:
The Judge useful - it will look at what was said and give a breakdown of the tone that was likely meant to be expressed.

The Professor is good for breaking things down that you don't understand and giving you a layman explanation and possible response.

Formalizer, helps you phrase things more politely / sarcastically / friendly whatever setting you pick.

Obviously there's are AI generated so are not perfect but may be a good starting point.

I'm similar, except I struggle to hold my views back in real life too. Some threads here I click off without posting because giving my view in a blunt way ( I struggle with non-blunt) would be offensive to a vulnerable op but other than that I just say what I want, as I do in real life too. Takes all sorts in life