To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

If I understand correctly, if it's you or your brother, your parents stay with you (so you must have the space to accommodate). When visiting your sister, they stay in a hotel because she doesn't (have space). But you denigrate your sister. Maybe think seriously about that is what I'd say.

We have them alternatively-either parents or parents in law

We hosted daughter and her boyfriend, are decades younger, and found it incredibly ( expensive) and stressful.

If you had two kids though would you want one to not be included and on their own?

You still haven't answered if one of you will take your sister? Or do you want her and her children to spend Christmas alone?

You sound like a miserable person

@Birminghamx you sound selfish, jealous and controlling.

And?
Presumably you'll tell them that you won't be hosting again then?
It didn't have be expensive or exhausting hosting 2 other adults

I’m sure one of you can fit your sister in for Xmas, you just don’t want to. Hopefully you won’t be a single parent one day with no one wanting to invite you round at Xmas.

Yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the OP's parents can see what's going on more clearly than the OP, who seems to be in sibling-rivalry mode and isn't, on this issue, acting like a dispassionate adult.

It can be challenging having someone like OP's sister in the family. In my own experience, many a pleasant family event was marred by my sister's apparently unreasonable behaviour and yes, I used to be furious with her for being so difficult. She can still be infuriating, but now we understand what's going on and sometimes we can change things to ensure that it's easier for her to cope with. Perhaps that's why the OP's parents are happy to host DS and children — because they see the bigger picture and accept that that's how she is and offer what she needs.

I'm just glad that my family don't treat me like this, being single by choice with children.

Honestly. let your parents spend Christmas with your sister. Sounds like they would rather that.

But not your sister 🤔

Why yours?

You know that this is absolutely none of your business. Your parents are capable of making decisions for themselves. You have a third party narrative that your mum was tired for a couple of days. I would always sacrifice a couple of days if it meant not leaving my daughter alone on Christmas Day with two small children.

It's really important that you stay out of this. Your relationship with your parents is completely separate from her relationship with her parents. You can not go on thinking you need to rescue your parents from your sister.

This works for you and your brother but it doesn’t work for your sister, she doesn’t have the space to accommodate your parents so she misses out on Christmas with her family whilst you and your brother get to spend family christmases with your parents every other year.

Equally your parents miss out on time with their daughter (however difficult) and their grand daughters.

However hard it is, you need to stay out of the solution they have come up with.

So this year you’ll both have parents in law.
But you still think your sister shouldn’t go to your mums can you see how logical that sounds?

This saves me writing what I would have added OP but I hope it all works out for everyone.

You seem to resent your sister. And you are very judgemental of her. Were your DC perfectly behaved at 5 months old?

Your parents are trying to help her. They may understand why she made the choice to be a parent without a partner better than you do.

Yes it’s difficult to see siblings appear to exploit parents, but your sister has her own relationship with your parents which you can’t control. Maybe you could help your parents instead of bitching about your sister?

This. @Birminghamx seems very judgmental of her sister’s choices. Not everyone is lucky enough to find a life partner.

And it IS luck, not that the OP and her brother are superior people (although she seems to think so).

You sound like you really dislike your sister?

Just because your sister has a good social group it doesn't mean she will be invited with two kids elsewhere. People are madly busy at Christmas with family, extended family, In laws and don't necessarily have the interest or space in bringing others into their Christmas plans. I'm sure anyway your sister would prefer her own parents anyway. If you don't want/can't have your sister yourself I don't think you should be resentful about her spending time with your parents. Maybe you resent her having a more relaxed Christmas break there than you are going to get doing Christmas at home ...or maybe You resent that having your sister means your parents can't come to you. In any event why consider interfering with other people's Christmas plans? My DH and I are 72. We do Christmas every year still.Ww make it lovely and yes we are exhausted afterwards ...but we wouldn't have it any other way. Loads of people of all ages host Christmas then have a bit of a moan later about the expense and exhaustion ...but still do it all over again next year. Because the family gathering ...maybe only once a year ..is important to them. It would be a very lonely Christmas for your sister alone with 2 small children. If you can't ...or don't want to host her ...leave hers and your parents plans to them.

The "baby" is now another year older and presumably less likely to be fractious in the way they were at 5 mths which to be fair is what babies do. Frankly I think you are being a bit snobby about it all and seem to have an issue with your sister going to see Mum and Dad cos she has younger children and its not so easy for them these days - whilst your Mum might have been shattered she probably wouldn't have it any other way as she also wants a relationship with your sisters children and sees that your sister is on her own family wise and despite a good friendship group may well be left alone at home for Christmas if she didn't visit family in the same way 95% of the country do.

A Lot depends on how lively your parents are etc but for a short 5 days visit I would keep my nose out and let your still compus mentis parents handle their own lives without you and your brother running unwanted interference.

So basically you are saying that your sister should not spend Christmas with family, is that it? I mean, you are not saying it explicitly but all other options are impossible according to you.

If your parents are saying yes to hosting her why would you think it is your place to tell her she shouldn’t go?

Life would be boring if we were all the same. So what if she is a different family make up to her amazing brother and sister.

At the end of the day they are all adults. They have said yes and the child is a year older and maybe a little easier to handle. You have no right to interfere imo.

What you could do is broach the topic with your sister about how tiring it might be for your parents and to suggest/ask your sister to try to make it as easy as possible for them.

Otherwise, stay out of it.

Accommodate your in-laws but not your own sister? Riiiight. Do you even realise parents take these things into account when considering their end of life decisions without mentioning their decisions to their children they have observed being horrible to their siblings? You have time to rectify the situation

I agree with not liking the "inviting herself" comment. I would be bloody heartbroken if I couldn't go and stay with either of my parents, particularly at Christmas. Most people's parents make their kids feel welcome at ALL times.

But just because you're all going there doesn't mean your parents have to do everything. You should all work it out between you so that you do all the work and your parents can relax.

I think even if your sister is a right royal pain in the arse (and OP, I have one of those so I sympathise) you have to put up with her over Christmas, for her kids' sake if nothing else. They deserve to be part of a loving extended family and it's really unfair on them if they're punished because their mum is hard work.