To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

I think if you or brother can’t host your parents OR your sister what do you suggest? They both spend it alone. Plus yes, your parents get to decide if they don’t want to say it’s to much then that’s up to them, she is their daughter and they are her grandkids.

i think you should butt out. What better reason to be exhausted than helping with grandchildren? So what is she missed hobbies for a few days., she got precious Christmas time with her grandchildren and helped her daughter.

What 'intervention' are you planning? Because its one thing voicing to your sister it may be too much for your parents in YOUR opinion, but quite another laying out as your evidence that her friends said she was exhausted. Which is guaranteed to drag your poor mum into it when your sister asks why she was complaining to her friends. It's also quite another thing to intervene by telling your parents to say no. There is little more stressful for parents than finding themselves the rope in a tug of war between their offspring, effectively weaponised for one to beat the other for their 'selfishness'. Your poor parents won't be able to do right for wrong, pleasing one by displeasing the other. Don't do that to them.

Why do you say your sister is single "by choice"? What does that mean and why is it relevant?

I'm also a bit wary about your version of events. There's clearly a back story missing even in your back story; you make it sound like there's absolutely no context for your sister shouting at your dad. And maybe she was totally unjustified in it, but there's obviously a lot of information missing and you clearly don't like her or feel very close to her kids.

Quite. It sounds like op does like her "single parent by choice" sister very much

God you sound so smug op. Why not try having a bit more empathy for your sister? It sounds as if you think you're superior because your family is more stable than hers. It also sounds as if your parents want to help your sister...she's their daughter in case you'd forgotten. It sounds as if you think she's just a useless burden.

Perhaps in the future your life will fall apart and you'll need help.

You want your sister, as a single parent to a baby and a toddler, to be on her own at Christmas? Friends aren’t got to cut the mustard here - they won’t expect to spend Christmas with her.

And your sis clearly needs a bit of a break and a rest herself!

Surely if she stays with you or DB, it’s for you/ he to help her out and your parents can still relax?

All the other adults can do the difficult stuff, dinner and washing up. The elderly ones can sit with a sherry all day.

You can absolutely make it restful for them. Isn't this what most families do?

You're coming across as very condescending regarding your parents, as if now they're in their 70s they couldn't possibly know their own minds about what they want to do. They sound fit and healthy, so no "intervention" needed.

Yes. But sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart with them. Don't include your sister in the conversation till you have the truth from your parents. Ask them what they want. Why can't your sister just come for say two or three days. 5 days is quite long. Think about the next five years which is not far away. How will you be dealing with matters then? It is worth setting a precedent now.

Ultimately any decision needs to be made by your parents and after reading the whole thread I am now confused. Your parents have an open invite to attend Xmas at either yours or your Brothers' - neither of you have room to accommodate an additional 5 people regardless or who else may be visiting. You say your sister can't host - she can!! At your Mum and Dads' on the proviso that she does all the preparation, shopping, cooking and childcare (as she would have done even if she stayed in her own home)
That way Mum and Dad can enjoy the GCs without a lot of the work involved. I realise that they will still do some work as it is their home and they can reduce the number of days she stays by saying they have other plans - even if they don't!

I'm a bit confused, but if it's a case of her going to theirs, they could well be capable of hosting and it's up to them to sort it out with her. Again up to them to ask her to bring food/help prepare things.

I'd keep out of it, unless one of them raises it with you.

I'm baffled why your sister would want to spend Christmas with you or your brother.

Why don't you and brother both host in-laws as you've stated and let your mum decide if she wants to have your sister and her kids - which I'm guessing they will.

Stop trying to say you have room for your parents but not your sister because you also have in-laws - of your parents go to your brothers then you automatically have room for the hindrance sister and her crying children so that's not it.

Just admit you have resentment to you sister, as does your brother - and you will enjoy your own Christmas more knowing she hasn't been accommodated and has to do Christmas herself.

This! Bloody hell.
"Invited herself" and now this - I'm feeling sorry for your sister.
You clearly don't want her and her kids about.
Your poor sis.
If you've only heard from your mum's friends that she was tired and cancelled arrangements the next couple of days, how do you know it was too much for her? Maybe your mum loved having you all there but just wanted an easy excuse for her mates to sit and watch crap Christmas telly in her slobby clothes on the settee for a few days after like I probably would

I can't imagine posting on here about how you don't like your sister and don't think your mum and dad should have to have her at Christmas (even though they have offered), when neither you or your brother have offered to host your own mum and dad which would have saved them the trouble of having to host anyone.

So you think you can tell your mum and dad not to have your sister, or tell your sister not to go to theirs at Christmas? Like it has anything to do with you what grown adults do with their own time?

Were you actually expecting people to agree with you?

This ^
Was she always the scapegoat, or are you just working on excluding her now?

You clearly don't like or respect her very much. "Yeah she has friends, she can go have Christmas with them. She doesn't need to have a family, and certainly not ours. Everything is better when she's not around. We made sure of that when we were in charge, but now our parents are undermining our efforts to keep her out."

Is it you or your brother that was the golden child? Everything was lovely until she came along.

Who (especially with 2 small kids) spends Christmas with their social group? They will all be with their families, just like you.

Her kids will be that perfect age when yours are teens. Of course your parents will be even older and more frail then, so you'll still have plenty of excuses.

Here is a better take on your parents expressing it was hard work. Maybe you help more. A lot more. And let them see their daughter and grandchildren. I bet they want to, even as much as you want them not to.
This is the easiest and best oportunity for them to do so, when they have family around to help! I think (and hope) they would be appalled that you are trying to prevent their daughter and grandchildren from visiting.

Be a + not a - . Otherwise your motives are very suspect indeed.

So what you're saying is that you and your brother are going to have your spouses, kids and in laws at your respective houses but you want your sister to stay at home with two very small children by herself so that one of you can also have your parents to your house? I'm sorry, I know you might not like your sister much but this is quite mean and I'm not surprised your parents want to have her over, I certainly wouldn't want one of my kids to be alone at Christmas while I go to one of my other kids houses that is full of people

I would be absolutely furious if any of my adult children took it upon themselves to start managing my life.
Yes, I do get exhausted looking after grandchildren and hosting, but I do it because I want to do it. When I no longer want to do it I will say so

Sorry for double posting, but maybe the reason your parents want it at their house, despite it being so much more work, is that when someone else hosts Christmas 1/3 of their family is excluded. The same predictable 1/3 every time.

I really hope they are wise to you.

If both you and your brother can host your parents and in-laws at the same time, and your parents can only be in one place at a time, then whoever doesn't have your parents can have your sister?

So since neither you nor your brother can host you sister over Christmas, and she cannot host you, you are proposing that your sister stays at home alone in her small flat whilst you, brother and parents have a very Merry Christmas?

With siblings like you, who needs enemies?

My understanding of it is that neither OP or her brother have invited their parents to either of theirs as they are hosting their in laws..

They are annoyed that their sister is going to their parents again this year (same as last year) and they think they should intervene to stop it somehow?

This is the type of "I know what's best for them" scenario that causes rifts in families. You decide for everyone, but you don't actually offer to include everyone in your plans. Why don't you host for the whole family? If the response is going to be "not enough room", then why not host at your parents house? You do all the work, food, planning etc, and they put their feet up in their own home (and even catch a quick nap when/if things get too much for them). Stop telling other people what to do, and offer to help instead.

I was just coming to say this, one has parents, the other hosts sis and kids. I know you have issues with her, after a post further down the thread, but for your parents sake, I think u should suck it up and do this, show some Christmas spirit. I’m sure sis would want to be with family rather than friends, especially as she’s got children. Your parents are going to feel terribly guilty knowing sis is on her own, if they aren’t at home to host her and they are with her sibling

No, no, no. If one of my daughters did this she would be shown the door.
Op is deliberately trying to exclude her sister from family Christmas celebrations when what happens in her parents house is none of her business.
Why do some people think that once we each pension age we cannot think or speak for ourselves?