To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Nothing bonds people like a common enemy. The Black Sheep Sister has neatly provided this for OP and brother (and possibly even Dad). So they have a lovely, slimy subject to agree about while making themselves feel moral and charitable.

The problem with this is that if the common enemy exits or becomes less problematic, the group casts around for a new one. Could be OP if she doesn't watch it.

This. It happy tiredness becuase you have spent time with loved ones, surely

Where did your sister & child/children go the last two years when DP’s were at yours & DB’s?
It’s unfair to expect her never to share Xmas with her DP’s. She can’t host, so it has to be at theirs. Perhaps speak to her/DP’s about ways she can help & make life easier for DP’s.
Alternatively, book a big self catering property somewhere central for more of you, so more adults to help with food & you or your DB can ensure DSis pulls her weight.
Regardless of any back story (excluding abuse) it’s seems callous to leave Dsis out every year.

You don't seem bothered that neither you not your grandchildren will see your parents at Christmas, so it seems a bit harsh to choose to abandon them and then say your sister and other grandchild/ren also can't spend time with them. As you say, they are mid 70s. Not many Christmases left.

It's for them all to decide and literally nothing to do with you, you've chosen to remove yourself from the equation.

I voted YANBU as you're trying to ease the burden on your parents and have observed that hosting is tiring for them, but I'm wondering if the wording of the thread title is the reason for some of the YABUs on here as it can be read as though you're expecting your parents to host.

It sounds like your parents have plenty of money, could they not go out for dinner with your sister and her children to cut some of the stress out?

Don't interfere. I think it's very cruel to suggest that your sister should be without her family at Christmas when she is a single parent. Your parents clearly want her there even if it means it's tiring for them.

Would you turn one of your children away at Christmas when they're older?

Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

YABVU. My DH is early 70s and still MD of a growing company (which he founded) and renovating a French wreck on weekends/whenever he can sneak a day off. He'd be pretty horrified if I suggested he was too old to host his grandkids for a few days over Christmas.
Not your decision to make OP.

I think mid 70s most people would be perfectly able to make up their own mid. It is also a age range where there is a huge range of what people expect to do - some have been retired 20 years and completely slowed into pensioner life other will still be spring chicken like.

Exactly, 70s isn't old these days, my MIL is going backpacking solo around the world.

70s isn’t very old, my 70 old MIL has much more energy than me and loves to host Christmas. Although we haven’t been in years. Christmas doesn’t have to be that stressful, it’s just a roast dinner really!

Ultimately, it’s their decision, if they are fine with it then it’s not really your business. It also sounds like you really dislike her. You don’t have to invite her to your house but to actively stop her from getting another invite is very mean.

How awful. Your poor sister...

To be fair they paid for the turkey which was the expensive part of course. Initially she would put the turkey in and I would bring the rest and finish off when I got there, but in the end it was just easier to do it all at my house and take it over - otherwise she was fretting about whether it was cooked and when to put it in. But all this because she (and it was Mum really) couldn't say no, and my sibling couldn't be told no. When she went there once, she ended up cooking anyway, in a strange kitchen (sibling helped tbf).

I don’t understand what you’re really suggesting - are you saying everyone have Xmas at your parents’ but without your sister and her kids??? If so you are very mean and if I was her I would be really hurt by that. You sound very critical of her throughout your post tbh. You definitely should not do a family gathering and leave out one sibling and the children. Really you should host if it’s so much effort for your parents; your sister can’t. I suspect you think you’re a bit better than her so maybe you should be the hostess with the mostess! I don’t know if I’ve understood what you’re saying. If she has just invited herself to theirs and you aren’t going then really it’s up to them and not your business to be involved in.

I'm having a rough time on here and perhaps I should have explained better. I briefly described my sister as 'difficult', she's recognised as such throughout our close wider family-cousins, aunts etc.. She's never shown any family obligation, sometimes pre children she preferred to stay alone (literally alone, no partner and not with friends) at Christmas rather than return to her parents. Her choice of course but this upset our parents and family obligations run both ways. Her stay last year at Christmas didn't include her helping with the shopping or offering to cook a meal. She's cut off contact over trivia, for up to 18 months at a time. Now she very much wants our parents in her life as she wants (understandably) her children to have grandparents. Contact is minimum between ex partner and other grandparents because she's argued with them (this surprised none of us, she has a history of problems with employers too). I can't reply to all the posts but money/wills are not an issue. Our parents have been scrupulously fair and the only reason our sister has a smaller property is that she's chosen to live in a much more expensive part of the country. None of us have any issues with this and although a single parent she is the extremely well qualified and earns a good salary. Unfortunately none of the family live close we'll all a minimum of 2.5 hours from one another so Christmas visits are overnight stays. My parents fear estrangement and for good reason. They have been kind, supportive and generous and my brother and I although we occasionally have niggles like all families, know this and want to care for them now they're getting older. My sister has literally screamed at my father that she hates him, this was just for trivial reasons and she was 29 at the time. Other bad behaviour has continued throughout her '30's. My parents don't deserve this abuse. I care for them and also for my nieces who currently receive very loving care but everyone who knows my sister worries about their teen years and how she will cope with then. My brother and I do discuss and think we're both very good at holding our tongue, which we'll probably do again this Christmas. I should have presented this post differently I realise, in how to cope with a sister who may well have a personality disorder. By focussing on Christmas I can see how some people could think that we are the problem not her. A view that would not be shared by people who know the family. I framed it as I did because I was genuinely asking whether my parents were too old for the Christmas planned, it saddens me to see them misused although recognise that they love to see their grandchildren. I am not a nasty person but a caring daughter who's seen far too much unnecessary distress over the last 25 years. I've already promised my mother to be there for my nieces in years to come especially during their teenage years.

So your sister is single ‘by choice’. Good on her for getting out of a bad relationship. You seem you judge her for this?

Everyone finds Christmas exhausting. Lots of parents in their seventies still do the hosting and enjoy it, the younger ones help them.

I've no doubt your sister helped out as well as seeing that her children didn't get over-excited at grandparents' house.

I think you're being ever so slightly brutal here, OP. Your sister's a single mum with two small children. I really don't think you can assume that she's going to be inundated with offers from people who aren't related to her.

She sounds awesome! I want to do that in my 70s too!

So where do you all stay when they host Christmas?

@Birminghamx you have a really shitty attitude towards your sisters parenting skills. I do hope your teens don't cause you a problem they obviously won't because you have a husband and a big house. You need to mind your business and stay out of your sisters life. I'm not surprised she cut contact with you. If my sibling had this view on me I'd tell them to fuck off n all.

OP - I do totally empathise. I have a similar situation. I too wonder if my sister has a personality disorder. She rinses our mum for money and attention. BUT I still think you have to include her at Christmas. It's just looking at ways of making that as manageable as possible. Also, even if you can't stand her, your parents (your mum, if she's anything like mine) will want to see all the siblings 'getting along', I play along with that for their sake tbh.

Does sis have to make it a 5 day stay?

I wouldn't have expected your sister to help with shopping or cooking last year- she has 2 very young children to look after alone!

What a long way of saying 'I don't like my sister so she deserves to be alone at Christmas'