To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Host your sister yourself, your brother can host your parents. Next year do your in laws and sister goes to your parents again.

There are many ways round this. Trying to get your parents to ditch your single parent sister is not the right answer. Even if she's awful, it's not your place to say anything.

My parents (late 70s) host a house full of noisy kids and they love it. Everyone helps out. 5 months is a difficult age but the baby is a year older so that should be much easier.

This was my immediate thought. They are making sure their DD and GC feel loved and scared about, something that they don't have from their siblings or aunt and uncle.

No idea why you'd need to leave your children at home. And also no idea why you or your DB never invite them.

This is actually really nasty. Your poor sister deserves better.

I don't get it. Why don't your parents spend xmas with your sister and you/your brother spend it together or with your own families, if you both have an issue with your sister. It seems your parents want to be with your sister since she is single, which makes sense. If it is such an issue for you then don't spend xmas with your parents/sister. Problem solved.

Some people are just selfish and don’t consider parents becoming elderly.

My elderly mother, in her 80s, hosts Christmas dinner for our family. I am alone and go and stay with her for Christmas, this means doing the planning with her, shopping with her, helping her cook, everything and I enjoy it to be honest.

My DB, DSIL, DSD and her partner come on the day that suits them best, although they won’t let my mother know when this might be until a week before, have dinner where they might contribute a single dessert, and then leave with lots of leftovers.

They have said they don’t have room to host, and love getting together. This brings extra stress to my mother and means I end up taking extra annual leave to ensure I am able to travel to my mother’s to support her given we won’t know when I’ll be needed and have to book it earlier.

I have offered for my mother to come to me for Christmas or us to go away but she feels duty bound to host as they will ask about it now. I get so annoyed that my DB won’t consider my mother in this and will do nothing to help, he might get his own drink as I refuse point blank to serve him.

Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister

If you want to 'intervene' you should offer this though. A solution, rather than a telling off. Sis to you. And your parents to your brother's. Or vice versa.

If you have no solution, then you have no say.

Give your parents a break. They have been doing Christmas for forever. They are tired of it now. (I'm tired of it and I'm 20 years younger than them. Someone else's turn to host me now.)

@HotCrossBunplease I guess they could have missed the bath, but it was also a different way of entertaining them a bit before bed time I suppose. It was meant as one example of the sorts of ways my parents were tired out - had I listed them all my post would have been even longer. I don't bear a grudge - but I do remember it (as I remember lots of things, good and bad) and used it as an illustration.

I am confused. When Christmas is hosted do you all Stay at the host's house for 5 days. If you think it's too much for your parents you or your brother host. Sounds like you dont like your sister very much and would rather sne stayed away. Hardly the Christmas spirit.

Five days is too long anyway! Why don't you all go out for Christmas lunch, then maybe you and your dh take over the cooking on Boxing day? You might not have room for everyone to stay but I'm sure you could do one meal?

I see. Neither your brother or you can host. But you don't want your parents to host either. You have no solution YAb totally u

Why do you think your nieces will have a difficult time in their teens if she's a good mother while they are young?

Do you think some of your sisters issues come from feeling excluded or maybe she is struggling with being a single parent?

Do you not think it would be good for your nieces to spend time with their family at Christmas? Especially if you are worried that they will be difficult as teens, surely feeling pushed out by their grandparents and aunt/uncle/cousins because they don't like their Mum isn't going to help that?

Has your Mum told you she's just accepted she is difficult or is that what you think given what you've seen?

I really don't think you can do anything here. Any decent parent will not want one of their children or grandchildren left out of a family holiday no matter if you personally think the reason is justified.

I am not much younger than your parents,OP. I find your attitude towards your in laws ageist and patronising. It is their decision who to invite and what to do. I will be entertaining 6 for a full week this year and when they all go home I will treat myself to a few days rest, this does not mean I am gaga or feeble. My mother once said that the main disadvantage of being older was that everyone thought they could tell you what to do. If you carry on like this you will be the one without a Christmas invitation.

If the 5 day stay was reduced to a 2 day stay - ie Christmas Day and Boxing Day, the whole problem may disappear?

I didn't say the sister is ND and the OP didn't either. I said, I quote: 'and the troubled or neurodivergent, like your sister.' OP's sister is giving off troubled vibes. She may or may not be ND.

My sister was troubled for most of her life: failing at school despite being clever, bad at making and keeping friends, a vulnerable young adult easily persuaded into inappropriate relationships and behaviours, terrible with money, always falling out with people, lots of anger and shouting at my kind, worried parents. In her late 40s, after a breakdown, she received an autism diagnosis.

I'm not saying that OP's sister is neuro diverse, but everything I used to find difficult about my sister was explained once I started to understand that she doesn't experience the world the way I do. I might once have written the OP's smug post. Now I have a better understanding of why my sister is who she is and I'm able to love her, despite the fact that our relationship can still be complicated.

Why didn’t one of you invite your sister for Christmas or for at least part of it? My in laws did finally tell us it was too much for them to have the four of us to stay and we understood.

I think if you and your brother have your own families, but your sister is a single parent, and nobody has the space to host everybody, then i think it would make sense that your sister goes to your parents or them to her for Christmas day, and you invite them for boxing day maybe.

Your parents xmas dinner doesn't have to be any more stressful than any other dinner.
Whatever your opinions are on your sister and your nieces and nephews, it doesn't mean you get to decide what they do.

Has your sister always been the scapegoat?

Just don't do Xmas and forget it, all stay in your homes or have people over another time separately.
When I see posts luke this it back up my thinking that Xmas it too much, too much pressure, be libérate and change the brainwashing you've had for years, that you must celebrate and you must have family over.

I've read all your posts @Birminghamx
Are you saying you and /or your DB can accommodate the whole family including in laws except for your sister and her 2 children? Are you prepared to do this and leave your sister to just be with her mates? If so, it's awfully mean. Surely you and your DB can alternate having your DP with DSis one year and in laws the next?

Your thread is confusing with bits of info every where, it reads to me like you never host your sister (but do your brother his family and your parents) & your brother does the same… but you also don’t want your parents to host her. That is unreasonable no?

Don't think it is too much, my DP in their 80s would love to have all of us stay with them. Though tbf I do sometimes judge how often one of siblings drops off both DC for a couple of days of babysitting as I think looking after DC on their own for multiple days is tiring. So I think it depends on their health, how much they want to do it and how much the load gets shared

Oh I see. I thought I’d read it carefully.

The reason I ask is that to be OP’s parents behaviour suggests they suspect something like this. Time and again I’ve found that parents who seem to “ overlook” behaviours just have a bigger picture view.

I don't think she has her brother?

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene

If your intervention is saying, ‘everyone come to us’ then great, but it’s not! Your intervention is: ‘mum and dad come to us but sister can’t come and she’s on her own!’

This post is just horrible to read to say-it’s dripping with judgement.

I hope the grandparents have a lovely Christmas with their daughter and grandchildren and they can forget how bitchy their other two children are!

I think our Christmas Day with family lasts about five hours! Arrive at one, we are driving them home at seven.

@Birminghamx

It's funny how you have phrased this.....
"with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay."

Better??

"with my nieces, then 5 months old and just 2 year old and my youngest niece was fractious throughout the 5 day stay."