To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Like I said, OP, this person who advocates slapping women who don't please you ("fuckin good" slaps at that), and who also makes ridiculous and baseless extrapolations, is one of your supporters.

Make of that what you will. But don't slap anyone. (I'm sure you wouldn't, but this person seems to find it acceptable.)

Agree.

OP, your attitude toward your sister is poor.

Also, you come across as oddly possessive of your parents.

Agree.

To clarify it was by choice to avoid anyone feeling any sympathy on that front about her being alone on Christmas Day.

Likewise the highly paid/ professionally successful comment to about any struggling single mum pity.

I am not sure in today's world 70s is automatically "elderly". I know people in my extended family in their 70s who are very well, fit and active

I have a 12yr old and in that time neither my parents or my in-laws have ever hosted us on Christmas Day. I can’t remember the last time I even saw any of them on Christmas day. They are all early 70’s, healthy, nothing wrong but all prefer not to spend the day with their adult children or grandchildren. I appreciate it is very weird to others but we the adult children have had to just get on with it and create our own Christmas days at home in our own family units. They never provide any help or childcare either. Not sure why any of them had children tbh but I guess it was just what their generation was expected to do 🙄

I’d love the sister to give her side of this story! Maybe she’s on Mumsnet?

Valid information to feed into the 'who's going where at xmas?' shenanigans that start in about August. People without in-laws are usually high value counters!

showmethegin · Today 10:12
So you want your parents to go to you or your brothers and your sister isn't invited to either. So you want your single sister to spend Christmas alone with her young children? Have I got that right?

It’s a difficult situation, the OP is being protective of her elderly parents. The single sister could help and be less obnoxious and then it wouldn’t be so stressful for the grandparents.

I appreciate you trying to put Op in a good light. But her comments about her sister are dripping with judgement, actually make that cascading with judgement. it’s clear she doesn’t like her.
She wants her sister with two small kids who can’t talk to sit by herself for the whole Xmas. Whilst her and her brother have a big family Xmas.
She came on an internet forum to ask strangers how to make that happen.
And you are quoting my post to defend that? Poor!

I'm probably nearer to your parents ages. I would hate one of my children to be alone at Christmas with her children. You say she has a social network but they will probably all also be with family for Christmas. Also, how often do your parents see your sister and their grandchildren? They may well look forward to seeing them. If you and your brother have in laws to see as well, do as we used to do and alternate. One of you -plus family- could visit your parents over Christmas this year and the other next year, alternating with the in laws. That's what many people do.
If you chat with your parents instead of trying to wrap them in cotton wool and not ask their opinion I suspect you will find they want to see your sister, either with or without you or your brother.

Here’s a tip. If you don’t advocate slapping women, don’t write that women should be slapped as this may cause people to think that you think that women should be slapped.

I kind of got a bit stuck on your sister is single 'by choice'. What does that mean for goodness sake?
Your sister's children are a year older - your parents are adults and can make their own decisions.
My parents in mid-70s looked after my sister's three children under five years of age for over a week when my sister and hubby went overseas for a wedding - how people can cope is not about age but their individual health and desire to look after kids.

Oh dear, condescending much...

There is some fantasy building up here. I'm reading about my sister living in a one bedroomed flat and me being snobbish. People have got totally the wrong idea. My sister lives in a small terraced house, 2 bedroomed though neither large. It is however in an expensive area of London-she has a job where she can live anywhere in the UK. She prefers London, her choice completely, she preferred a posh area where she could only afford something small rather than a cheaper area and larger home. Her choice again, but one with ramifications-it means she can't host people staying. Whether that's deliberate or not I don't know. I only live in a larger property because we live in a cheaper part of the country. Some people's posts seem to believe that I'm in the manor born and she's in the gutter. She's better qualified than me (and no I'm not envious before you start). She worked very hard for her qualifications.. At the same time from being a teenager or even slightly before she's been bloody difficult. It was her choice to be a single parent, she told me she was only in a relationship to get pregnant and broke with him as soon as she was pregnant with her second. He wasn't a bad guy (I've already been accused of unfairly siding with him). Her choice of course whether to stay in the relationship, the three years she was with him was the longest relationship she'd had with any man. Part of me does think that she's made decisions which put more burden on our elderly parents who I know worry so much more about her than my brother and myself. I also don't hate her, though dislike the effect she has on my parents. Of the three of us she can be the liveliest and funniest. My feelings for her are too complex to go into but certainly hate is not part of that complexity.

Wow, I’d quit whilst you are behind Op. Every post you put your sister down some more to try and justify your treatment. You sound wholly unsupportive, and now the comment about siding with a nice ex. I can see why you were accused of that.
If this is you trying to put yourself in a better light, I dread to think how she has been treated. Maybe read your posts and have some self reflection. Maybe her behaviour you are so keen to admonish her for is attributed in some way because of your families black sheep attitude towards her.

My parents have an invitation to visit either my brother or I for Xmas day, to put their feet up and have a restful Christmas which they very much enjoyed a few years ago. My sister is in an active social group and has options there for Christmas

Good Lord! Do you not see how callous and selfish you sound?

You write as if your sister is not part of your family.

I’d love to hear your sister’s version of her childhood ….

@Birminghamx (re your latest post):

None of this is relevant to your conundrum, is it? You have a logistical problem:

You live far apart.

None of you has enough accommodation for both your parents and at least two thirds of their descendants.

Your sister is a sole parent (meaning, nobody is going to say it's OK for her to be excluded).

Her children are small, and your mother wants to spend time with them.

All of the above would still apply if your sister were an angel, so it's pointless you keep trying to convince us she's a bad person.

Her relationship with your mother is none of your business and you should maybe step back from intervening in it.

Next year, the problem will arise again, so, book accommodation?

This year, hold your tongue.

I suppose the family do have a “black sheep attitude “ towards her and you’re blaming the family for that? Isn’t it more likely that this is due to the sister’s behaviour and attitudes towards them. She’s clearly been very unpleasant at times, screaming at her father when she was ?29 or similar age, using a man as a sperm donor (fine if he knows what he’s there for), staying alone rather than join her family for Christmas when she was younger. I expect there’s lots we haven’t heard. Have you any idea how hard it is for a family to try and function properly when there’s such a difficult character in their midst? The sister won’t compromise and while this has got her a high professional status she appears to be a totally nightmare for any family to manage. IMO the OP, her brother and elderly parents are all doing their best. Why do you appear to believe that the majority are in the wrong, wholly unsupportive! The OP included the possibility of a New Year invitation for her. No doubt you’ll think that’s condescending. The OP seems to be damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.

Your parents are capable of handling the situation themselves.

While it might 'take it out of them', it's still often lovely to have family staying at Christmas and they will be more comfortable to be doing it their own way.

I know my own parents, also mid 70s, much prefer to host than be hosted by us grown up kids, though they'd never give a hint of that to my sister and brother who do most of the hosting. They like being in control of the telly, the quieter nature of their house (carpets not floors which make kids noises so much louder), being able to just be comfy in your own home.

I'm your sis in this situation - both my brother & sister have bigger houses and families where they can host, and I prefer to go to my parents for Christmas. My parents are happy when I come and stay, but also tell me if they have plans and that's fine. Being single, I find Christmas without my parents hard. But they are able to tell me when it's not convenient - a couple of years they've had friends over, or gone away, etc. Just like my parents, your parents can tell your sis if they want to do something different. And yes I probably am also 'difficult' but they still manage it!

I suppose the family do have a “black sheep attitude “ towards her and you’re blaming the family for that?

If you don't know what it means to make someone a black sheep, just say so.

I expect there’s lots we haven’t heard.

I think we all agree there.

Single by choice?

I should have presented this post differently I realise, in how to cope with a sister who may well have a personality disorder.

Personality disorders often have their root in childhood trauma. Maybe there is something your parents know that you don't which is why they cut her so much slack. In any case if your parents are happy to have her and her children at christmas then keep your opinions to yourself.