To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Don't worry. You don't come across as detached or clinical.

Some people are assuming I hate or dislike my sister, feelings for family members are so complex. I hate the affect it has on my aging parents but my sister and I chat most weeks and if she did have a major problem, I'd be there for her but that doesn't blind me to the difficulties she creates.

Of course I'm not blaming her that my niece was fractious, I was pointing out the stresses on my parents. I've been a mother of fractious babies too. You do seem to ne nit picking here.

This
Also, you seem to be judgemental of the fact your sister is single.
As it's only for afew days and would man alot to your parents and sister, I think you should leave it.
May I ask why you or your brother can't host XMAS?
Xmas can be an incredibly difficult time for many people, best to try and minimise the loneliness erc as much as possible

I think YABU. It's their call and also, my mum is 70 and "hosts" my family with young DC for Christmas, but I do all of the cooking and prep for Christmas dinner, present wrapping and arranging etc, and I do things like walk her dog.

Just because your sister and her DC are coming to your parents, doesn't mean she's going to be expecting to be waited on and properly hosted.

I don't know why, if she's single, you'd begrudge her wanting to spend time with her parents at Christmas. It's also a bit weird how you say "invited herself". I have tense relations with some of my siblings, but IMO that's what Christmas is about. About making amends and valuing family.

A visit in your parents own home might well be less tiring than a 5 day visit in someone else's house.

Not at all I understood your snide comment immediately.

What's the solution OP. Seriously what do you want? I can appreciate that no solution is ideal but the scenario that you like best is what?

That your sister spends Christmas alone with her small children? While you have a lovely family Christmas? That cannot be right can it?

Whatever your issues with your sister, it's a horrible, mean attitude. She's your sister and they are your nieces.

I think PP are just puzzled about the fractious baby issue, when, presumably, you used to go and stay with your mother with your own fractious babies. Of course she was younger then, but that can't be helped - it's just a function of you being the older sister.

if she did have a major problem, I'd be there for her

But when she wants to spend Christmas with family, she can bog off? You'll actively seek to get her excluded?

If what you say is true, she has already had numerous major problems; work, end of the relationship with her children's father/s etc. But rather than being there for her, you just blame her for them (I still want to know what "single by choice" means and why it matters). Hell, it was apparently her failing that her 5 month old was fractious...

I think you're weaponising your parents for whatever vendetta you have against her. Maybe she has done you some terrible wrong and doesn't deserve a relationship with you, but leave your parents out of it and just let them decide for themselves what they want to do. You probably wouldn't appreciate them trying to control your relationship with her for your own good.

Hi OP,
I don't think your initial posts came across great but with your updates I also get it because I have a very difficult sibling too who has made my mum's life hell and who we've all had to walk on eggshells about their whole life. So I understand how it strains all relationships, and how their 'happiness' is often at the expense of others. And also how impossible it would be to explain the effect they have on our family in a post!

If you have quite an open relationship with your parents ask them what they'd honestly prefer to do. Maybe bring it up one day then let them think on it and bring it up again a few days later. Understandably they might want to see their daughter and grandchildren, but perhaps for a shorter length of time? Then work out some way to facilitate what they want.

Hey, it was my comment. Credit where it's due, please.

And if you understood it, perhaps you can think about it.

Are you sure your parents are not in fact happy she’s visiting? I know mine get tired when I stay over with my kids because it involves a lot more activity than normal for them. But they love spending time with their grandchildren and wouldn’t have it any other way. Perhaps your parents are the same.

Unless your parents complained to you about your sister visiting, don’t get involved.

My parents died some time ago OP and the my younger brother last year.
I invite everyone even though I'm disabled and it's a struggle. I don't get on with my sister but the thought of her and her miserable husband and critical MIL eating on their own made me.
I believe in the saying guests are like fish, the go off after two days!
At least your sister can afford to bring some Marks food. Buy it all in I say. Write a list and tell what she is bringing.
Successful business people are usually difficult. It's probably her armour.
You don't have to be besties but I can tell you if you cause a hoohah you'll regret it when your parents are no longer here.
Joy to the world and all man (sister) kind.

You just want to exclude your sister and her to be on her own with 2 young children awful behaviour you invite your parents but extend it to your parents and sister not leave her out. Awful behaviour.

needs a fuckin good slap.

This person is one of your champions, OP.

I'm from an Indian background. I took over hosting Christmas for my family over the last 3 years since we arrived back to the UK, because we also have a single parent in the family and it was easier for me to host vs my parents.

But as neither you nor your brother are offering to host her and your parents this Christmas I do wonder about your motivations. This will probably be the first Christmas where her eldest child would truly understand the 'magic' of it. Your sister is probably excited by that and wants to share it with her parents (as I presume you have done so already with your kids). All of her suggestions - eating out, eating ready meals / easy meals - are fair.

To be fair the OP is not the daughter who’s been unreasonably and given the parents considerable stress over the past 25 years or so.

Has anyone asked the parents? 😉

Who told us that?

I think it's mainly though that I've been trying to sort out the conundrum of my sister for 25 years.

It's not your job to 'sort out' anything, she's an adult!! What would you be sorting out?

The OP has already said she doesn’t live in a big house and her sister’s place is smaller because she lives in a much more expensive area. She’s also said her sister is a sole parent but surely that is a factual description not a moralistic judgement. You’re reading and interpreting more than is there. Her sister won’t compromise, insists 5 days is reasonable and doesn’t help at all with the shopping or taking responsibility for a meal. Surely if part of the reason for visiting is to give grandparents time with the children, the daughter could cook one meal. It is a genuinely difficult situation being fair to the daughter means being unto the parents (grandparents) but given the selfish and difficult behaviour of the daughter/sister I can see where the OP is coming from. The sister will get her way because the parents are kind and caring,

You don't sound dreadful to me OP. I have (I think perhaps most of us do have) issues with a sibling so I can feel your frustration in your post but also your desire to do the right thing by your parents and your sister and wider family. I would say ultimately that your parents should make their own choice. Perhaps you could visit them at some point whilst your sister is there to help support your parents with the demands of hosting. And if you go out for a lunch together, you manage the bill to make sure everyone pays their own whack.

Christmas brings so much bloody stress when it's supposed to be a beautiful time for families and friends and the season of goodwill and all that stuff!
I sincerely hope you come to a happy compromise and you all enjoy a lovely and peaceful Christmas.

I'm trying to understand stand what her unmarried status has to do with the price of fish?