To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

There seems to be a lot of ancient history being used to condemn the sister. See also:

'Contact is minimum between ex partner and other grandparents because she's argued with them (this surprised none of us, she has a history of problems with employers too).'

But then

'None of us have any issues with this and although a single parent she is the extremely well qualified and earns a good salary.'

So apparently this vague history of problems with employers is not a current one...

@Birminghamx

I'm going to take your update at face value, that your sister is difficult and her visits are exhausting for your parents.

Be that as it may, they know how she is and it is your parent's choice to have her. For you and DB to try and 'intervene' will only make things worse for them. Speak to them about it and you'll stress them out and make them defensive. Speak to your sister and from what you say, all hell will break loose.

So keep your opinions to yourselves. Offer what emotional support you can to your parents, even if it's only "Oh that sounds hard" through gritted teeth. And perhaps you or your brother could offer for your parents to come to yours or his for a few days after your sister leaves. They may appreciate a change of scene and hopefully a few days of being able to put their feet up and be 'waited on'.

As far as the future goes, if your parents haven't made 'provisions' for their later years, you may want to suggest they do so soon. POA (financial and medical), estate planning, etc when there may be 'issues' between the children is always wise.

5 days is a long visit. I can understand your sister not wanting to be on her own, and your parents wanting to see her over xmas. Could they not do a shorter visit?

If for example you hosted your whole family, surely your parents would be tired when they went home? Spending time with young children and a busy family Christmas is tiring if it’s not what you are used to in day to day life.

I’m still confused. Do your parents ever host your sister and her kids ? Hosting you and your brother’s families on top of this would be super hard work but if they routinely host sister and her kids (say for a Sunday roast) then I’m guessing that it’s not a big deal.

Not RTFT but I feel very sorry for your sister, who it appears you are deliberately trying to exclude from Christmas. You also appear really controlling.

It's up to your parents how they want to spend Christmas. If you're willing to host them and your brother but not your other sister, then why can't you all go to your parents and you and your brother do the hosting there, letting your parents take a backseat, spend time with children and grandchildren and not have to worry about cooking etc?

Sorry but I think you're being VERY unreasonable to try to wangle a Christmas that includes your whole family except your sister and her children. Alternatively, why can't your brother host your parents and you host your sister and her children, or the other way round?

Your poor sister must feel such an inconvenience. You make it clear you see her and her children as such and that you judge her life choices and feel that she's made her bed and must lie in it - alone, at Christmas, with two toddlers. Wow.

Your sister being “single by choice” , “inviting herself “ and mentioning the fractious baby seems unnecessarily mean. It’s not unusual to prefer to see family over friends and judging her for not being with her ex partner and the baby being grumpy seems insanely judgy.

I completely understand that you can’t host every year because you will want to see ILs at least every other year but unless you and your brother see your ILs on different years so you can host your parents and sister, then it’s not going to happen.

Rightly or wrongly your parents have decided to have a permissive relationship with your sister because of fear and you’re not going to be able to change that.

The current plan that sister and parents celebrate together and you and brothers see ILs is the only solution left and keeps the majority happy

I think the core issue of 70+ parents hosting is probably quite common.
and its not surprising as
most havent downsized
many still have both alive into 70s unlike my grandparents where we only had one get to 70s.
they are relatively well off
have the bedrooms to host
and relatively well still to cope
but the gc are still very young as everyone has delayed having kids.
many of the kids dont live close by and often dont have houses large enough to host

We still go to parents (late 70s and early 80) and pil (early 70s)
Because our house isn t large enough to host, table, kitchen to cook for loads. But also because sil will go to pil and nephew and grandpil etc too. So just too many for a small house. For my parents its just them, but we have no spare rooms so they could only stay a few hours.
its great the gp are still alive etc. But i think its common for the next generation down ro not have taken over hosting.

in terms of your sister like a pp could she have some sen? My sister was very awkward as a child and then teen and my dc both autistic.
But anyway you would have had your parents help when yours were young (and pil) and youve probably forgotten what your dc were like. If not perhaps hers are more difficult -- so be grateful.

You do seem quite low on empathy because imagining your dsis would be cooking meals at your parents with a 5mo and a toddler - in probably a non safety set up house and different kitchen. With a non sleeping baby..
It was hard enough looking after my toddler dd1 at parents house. My dad dropped washing powder on the floor. No safety locks on anthing so bleech etc. Access to the hobs. i was doing something tidying after a meal perhaps and asked mum to keep an eye on dd and she was off squeezing shampoo bottle out in the bath (had previously tried eating some though). Another time she let go of toddler dd reins by a river /roads etc too. So even at 67 she wasnt capable of babysitting toddler even though it seened like she would be.

Maybe this year, the single sister and her two daughters could stay with your parents for Christmas, and you and your brother stay home?

I don't expect my parents who are in their early 60s to host myself and my two siblings for Christmas, we are all now 25-35. For the last 3 of the last 4 years my sister and I hosted everyone at our homes. Our mum has mobility issues and can't manage stairs so last year and this year we are doing Christmas dinner at their house but we are doing all the cooking.

This trend of grown adults having their elderly parents catering to their whims is extremely tiresome.

We don't have a big house. If we had a big house we could invite parents, sister and nieces. Problem solved. We have a small three bedroomed semi, larger than my sisters but also worth less because of location, location, location. As some people seem to want to think the worst of me whatever I want to make clear there is no jealousy here (of my sister's higher property value). we live where we want and she does. Given my loving parents experience with their youngest's teenage years and way beyond I don't conclude that a loving family = a trouble free adolescence. I think people who know me, including my own mother believe I can cope with that in a more stable way than my sister. Concerning your last sentence, I've had too much of this sort of thing from my sister to let it bother me.

As some people seem to want to think the worst of me whatever

Not nice, is it?

Thank you and I agree about the relationship between some adult children and their elderly parents. You must be setting such a great example to your children. Enjoy your Christmas

Bloody hell, your getting a hard time on here op.
I don't think your being horrible about your ds, at all.
Personalities like hers are bloody hard work! I understand your worries for your parents come from a place of love, not nastiness towards your ds.
But ultimately, because your parents are so nice they are prepared to put up with dd to keep family close.
That's what decent parents/gp do.
Keep being a good daughter op

If we had a big house we could invite parents, sister and nieces. Problem solved.

Is your parents’ house big enough to host you, your husband and kids and your sister and her kids? With a bit of airbed help?

Agree and my father mentioned this but got a robust dismissive response. This is one of the areas where my brother and I wonder whether we should discuss with sister. Lots of people think our expressing concern is us being interfering old..... A shorter visit would help.

So your family and your brothers family will be spending Christmas with your parents, but your sister will be on her own with her children. That doesn't sound nice or fair.

If you are really worried about your parents' stamina (a problem which will only get worse over time) then stop expecting them to schlep cross-country at xmas. Go back to celebrating at their house (or a rental local to them if necessary) but you and your sibling(s) do the work so your parents can put their feet up.

There is no other alternative. Your parents are not going to accept your 'solution', where your sister stays home alone whilst your parents alternately visit with their two 'good children'.

Early 60s isn't elderly! Mobility issues at that age are surely a disability rather than aged infirmity!

My mum was travelling around Asia, Central America and doing giant walks at that age! And older.

They downsized quite substantially a few years ago to give their three children a deposit a house. Only two bedroomed, otherwise yes, that could be helpful but two families in one bedroom or even all the children and adults in the lounge. There's just not the floor space.

Just trying to imagine the reaction if I told my parents in their 60s, or indeed PILs in their 70s, that they were too old and infirm to host, and that it would be all too exhausting for them... It would be amusing. In a way.

Many thanks, it's hard to be seen as the villain of the piece when my parents, brother and myself have had to work so hard to keep the family together. Yes I might sound dismissive of my sister sometimes, I'm only human.

It's neither nice nor reasonable.

Indeed it's not.

And now there's "it's hard to be seen as the villain of the piece" too.

Maybe ask your sister for some tips on dealing with it. She can be a secure person with a strong support network at Christmas for this purpose, I'm sure.

So she's wrong for staying home alone and wrong for staying with your parents? So she can't win no matter what she does. What is it you actually expect from her?
And shopping and cooking with a baby and toddler is hard at the best of times. Or maybe your parents actually said to her not to worry about it and actually wanted her to have a break.