Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

She knows what she is doing.

I wonder if he does too.

Now that your husband knows you'll want to check Teams, how does he plan to talk to her to ask her not to message him like that?

It'll be via WhatsApp behind your back most likely. Then she'll bitch about you or try to make it out like you're crazy.

Be wary, he's going to be protecting her too in this.

The only thing that will help is him moving employer.

I don’t know how you are going to stop it either.

I wonder what her husband knows…

Yeah I’ve wondered that too- either he’s clueless or he knows but doesn’t care! Not sure which is worse.

I just can’t believe they have the time to engage in this- don’t they have work to do!! I also wonder what others at their workplace think!

Me and my husband once made a deal not to do something that would upset the other.

If he was to do this with a colleague it would upset me. I'd say to your husband that it's bothering you, and can he please stop and make their relationship more "professional". If he is reluctant, that's a bad sign.

Wow, those thinking of you and missing you messages are all you need to know OP. They're having an affair, I'm so sorry. What are you going to do?

I think you need to get your ducks in a row.

I certainly would hope for the best but be prepared for the worst as there clearly is an emotional entanglement if not more - I certainly would let it be known that if he cares about you , it's made you unhappy and isn't ok- after that it's down to him

Hmm. That does sound dodgy.

I have a feeling there's more to this. I can't believe those messages are in any way innocent.

These things are like a runaway train. They are so so hard to stop. The addiction of getting emotional fulfilment from someone will have kicked in and he’s likely to just get more and more secretive about it.

I don’t mean to be blunt but it’s best to be prepared.

… she messaged him the other day (on her day off) saying “thinking of you” so this is an ongoing thing.

He said “missing you on your day off” and then they were chatting about Christmas shopping etc…

They are absolutely having an EA, and he has created distance between you to make room for her. This is a romantic relationship featuring attraction, emotional intimacy, and over-familiarity. He will be thinking of her while he is with you.

His response to your reading him the riot act was a ruse to throw you off the scent. ‘I wouldn’t want to do anything to threaten you or our marriage’?? Spare me. He has been plugged into building this affair for the better part of a year, employing deception by omission the whole time.

@Lovetoread2024, looking back at your boundary setting conversation, I’m realizing that you left room for him to continue seeing her if he is transparent about it and sees her in a group. Frankly, I would reassess that. Even in a group they can pair off and engage only with each other.

His cutting her off should be a requirement, but his inappropriate behavior heretofore shows that he feels entitled to dupe you, so you’ll never know if they take it underground.

This is infidelity, @Lovetoread2024. In your shoes, I wouldn’t even consider staying unless he finds a new job.

You've had this conversation with him, and they're still messaging about missing each other?

In fairness OP said the "missing you" messages were before their "conversation", but time will tell what he does now as a result of it

Ah right ok, I didn't catch the order of events there, thank you!

I think you are handling this situation very well OP. Their behaviour would seriously give me the creeps, what utter disrespect to you and her husband. Good luck.

@TennerTuesday I agree and initially it's about attraction but after a while I think it's more about the ego buzz than the person- the fact someone thinks you are special and sending you little messages and missing you etc - let's face it these things tend to die off in most marriages after a few years and it becomes more about domestic trivia or kids trivia- less about constantly keeping a romantic buzz- and sadly some people get drawn into thinking it's more than it is - it brightens a dull day etc and end up ruining their perfectly good primary relationship- the idea that only marriages with issues are prone to this isn't true- it's very addictive , even if it's only emotional and not physical . - and men don't seem to think it's an affair if any kind if it's emotional- when it can be just as if not more hurtful than a one night drunken shag

I agree but don't know how you could put a stop to it once a head has been turned.

All of this. It feeds you little bits of dopamine all day long, and most marriages can't compete with that feeling.

It's incredibly, incredibly hard to put a stop to. Trust me.

Whooooooa. Highly inappropriate. They should be ashamed of themselves. They clearly aren't.

@MillyMichaelson indeed- and it's why some people simply can't cope long term with monogamous relationships- they only really like the honeymoon stage- not the slog or domestic stuff

Or @Crikeyalmighty everything's going along fine and then some kind of life event happens and it turns everything on its head.

That's how it was with me - had a trauma in my family and he was someone separate to that who just listened and supported me. He was just there when I needed someone to hold me up more than I've ever needed anything.

@MillyMichaelson yes and reverse is true- my H acted like a disloyal dick when his mum was dying and we also had business issues - apparently it was a 'distraction' from all the shit things going on in the real world - the other person was young though ( 21) and not married

I think this is it for both of them- they are both bored and perhaps just started as a bit of fun and escapism from the boredom and it’s grown into something else. I’ve never met her but seen photos and she is slim and pretty which I’m sure has kept him interested. As others have said if she was mid 60s and not so pretty I doubt he would have bothered investing much time or thought in her. It sucks- I just feel angry when he comes in from work and struggle to do the “how was your day” type chat. I’ve been looking into local therapists for us and/or me.

I'd be checking through his deleted messages.